Playdate etiquette for siblings

[Newtorunning]

I have searched through and cant find a thread on the etiquette for (not) inviting a sibling to a playdate.
I have two kids age 5 and 7. The 5 year old DD is friends with our neighbours daughter also 5. Said neighbours kid has a brother who is 8. He is really a handful and very 'in your face' and not what I would call pals with either of my kids. When he has been over he is a nightmare I'm afraid to say. Long story short I am totally happy for my 5 year old to have a play date with my neighbours 5 year old but I do not want to invite her older brother. But previously when I have mentioned a play date he openly exclaims things like CAN I COME? Which is really obviously awkward and I dont want to be mean - but I genuinely dont want him round. BUT I know (I just know) the mum will expect me to invite him over as well.

How do I invite just the younger sister without inviting her older brother, but also being to the point and not kind of pussy footing around it. The friendship is definitely there between my dd and her dd but not with our older children.

Or AIBU?

Invite younger when when eldest is at a different friends house. Then when he asks to come over, you can say no as your oldest isn’t there

Oh and as much as I want to be to the point I dont want to offend I really really dont. But equally I dont want to have this each time we try to sort a play date.

If it was the other way round I wouldn't be offended I have to say but somehow I get the impression she will.

When he asks can you just say something like ‘Oh, it’s just the girls today, [7yr old] is busy, maybe next time.’

Hahaha i feel your pain. I have a couple of friends with suchhhhhhhh annoying kids, 1 is cool, other drives me mad

Tell him it's Dress As A Fairy /Princess day... Unless you think he would want to join in!!

I actually think that if the eldest isnt here he would still want to come tbf. It's not unreasonable to not invite him as well in this circumstance tho is it?

Just a breezy ‘not today I’m afraid but let see next time’ I should think is enough?

Ime a good dose of helicopter parenting can make or break the unwanted visitors..
Pull him up on any undesirable behaviour.. He will (ime) quickly see coming over is more bother than it's worth!!
Or he may benefit immensely by some boundaries and become a half decent friend for your ds..
Again ime!
No fall out with ndn so a win win!!

Just ask the mother if the 5 year old can come play. You can labour the point about how well the girls play together etc etc....and how it actually helps you out because it entertains your daughter and allows you to get on with a very important job.....then if he mentions wanting to come to you say "sorry sweetie not today as I have to finish a very important job." Then look pointedly at the mum as she should step in here......lol.

This is great ladies - the problem is the mum doesnt seem to react when he says things like can I come etc. And when he behaved not very well at our house shouting hollering svreamimg and breaking stuff she barely batted an eyelid. So I did find myself doing her job if that makes sense.
I think the breezy reply will be a good plan and also I will arrange it for when the older child isnt there - to solidify the younger ones friendship so that in the future it may not be such a big deal of he isnt invited? I think the mum may feel a little bit put out but we shouldn't fall out at least! So annoying...

Didn't matter if it unreasonable or not. It's your house! If you don't want him there you can just

"Not this time Johnny, maybe another time"

You're not unreasonable btw! ;)

"No is a complete sentence"

If he asks outright, "Can I come" then the answer is "No, this is just for the girls" (or insert their names).

”Not this time Johnny, maybe another time"

Leaves it open for him to ask next time.

No, Johnny. The girls are having a play date just for them.

Yes breezy and clear! If it helps you could arrange for your eldest to have another friend over that day, but that may add more complication than it removes.

'no not today'

'it's just the girls this time'

'I'm afraid it's just for the little ones'

'you can enjoy some time at home without your sister'

'not after last time you little shit' - maybe don't say this 😂.

Do you always ask in front of the boy? Can you message the mum to ask and be clear in the message: "would your DD like to come for a play with my DD?".

I don't understand how the gatecrashing happens but of course it's fine to ask 1 sibling. You just need to be clear. If he asks when you're collecting the girl then just say "no it's for X and y to play together" or similar.

The mum clearly wants him to join in - she gets a nice break!

They are independent friendships (or not!) so it's absolutely fine. I know some people might see you as withholding free childcare by just taking one off their hands though...seen it on here.

So as above, ask via message or not in front of him, say he'll be out so it will be harder work for you with three than four or you have some activities planned for little ones (don't leave the door open for comments like "oh he won't mind" if you say "so just the girls today" etc.

You just extend the invitation to the child you are inviting e.g. 'would X like to come over to play with Y?'. If a parent or sibling asks if the other one can come, the reply can be a simple, 'one at a time', '5 year olds only at the moment', 'I thought it would be nice for the younger sisters to have some time without older ones around' etc.

FWIW, my two have probably been invited to a joint 'come home for tea' once or maybe twice. They are now 16 and 11 - it's an age gap that doesn't really lend itself to invitations to shared playdates but it's never been an issue if one has gone to a friend's and the other hasn't.

• he'll be out referred to your son

Hah totally true which again I am afraid that she will think. But truly I really do feel I need to put these boundaries in.

I will message directly for sure as well.. Good plan. I havent asked in front of him before but for some reason the mum will verbally respond about it in front of him. Prompting him to then ask if he can come and then the mum looks at me almost expectantly.... it's quite odd really.

Just send a message asking specifically if the girl can come. Easy.

It's not odd at all - it sounds like the boy is a PITA, the mum has no boundaries, and doesn't want the bother of looking after him. So she passively tries to get him to get into your house as well as the girl.

Keep strong .

She’s looking to palm both kids off OP, set some boundaries!