To think this is why my son can never leave home?

[RainRainGoAwayItsMayFFS]

It fills me with absolute terror that something like this could happen to him, and I have read many similar stories in the past.

www.ipswichstar.co.uk/news/crime/three-jailed-for-life-for-murdering-joe-pooley-7997638

He is almost 20 and has ASD and learning difficulties, is desperate for friends but very socially awkward and shy and would be very easy to take advantage of. He has already been and I dread to think what could have happened if he wasn’t with us.

We were hoping he’d move into some sort of supported accommodation in the next few years and would love to think he could live semi independently with good support and protection from scumbags like the ones in the article but from experience of the support he’s had up til now, I know realistically it’s unlikely to happen especially under the austerity of the Tories.

DH and I are likely to have him at home until we’re on our last legs and then god knows what’ll happen to him. He has siblings but they can’t be expected to care for him in their later years.

AIBU to think this or just realistic?

I am very sorry, but you cannot protect him for ever. This case is exceptional and rare. And whilst I understand your fears for him, every single person in the world must grow up and face the world. You do him no favours by not letting him have that. And you cannot be there for him forever.

I know that services are not what any of us would wish for those more vulnerable in the community. But you are currently here and strong enough to fight for the best for him. That needs to be your role - to give him that legacy after you can no longer protect or advocate for him.

It must be so worrying oP, i am sorry.

I think it’s vital to try and find a sheltered accommodation situation for him. It’s going to be better for him anyway, but it also means his siblings can keep and eye on him without being FT carers and you don’t need to worry what will happen after you and DH are gone. I know places are few but there are some places I think - have you started to look?

I worry about the sane thing OP. Both my boys are autistic and the future terrifies me.

I read this and thought the same. My 12 year old is autistic and vulnerable and ha learning difficulties and we have been so worried about his future for years. couple with the fact we are older parents.

You need to keep trying for supported living. That will be the best thing for him but it can take a lot of effort.

I am in exactly the same situation with DS20+. So vulnerable. I am going to start the process of getting him into shared accommodation soon so I can help him settle in before I’m no longer capable. I have been planning to do this for the last 5 years but it’s so hard to let go of him that I keep delaying. It’s such a worry. I get you OP.

I understand. I have one dc with learning difficulties and 3 with ASD. I think the likelihood of them being murdered is extremely rare but I do worry a lot about their futures when they are adults. The 3 with ASD are high functioning and I doubt any of them will be entitled to much, if any, support so I worry that dh and I will be looking after them until we die and then hopefully they will be old enough and able enough to live in sheltered accommodation for elderly people.

I worry about my dearfosterson. He has learning disabilities and autistic tendencies and gets confused about communication. He will live with me and DH as long as he wishes but I worry so much about what he will do for employment. He gets DLA but who knows of he will get PIP? I am trying to teach him to cook a few basic meals but he has to supervised even to use the microwave.

That's so awful. My biggest worry/concern for DS who's autistic and has a developmental delay isn't really about him, it's about how other people will treat him. It's terrifying.

Sorry to hear others with similar fears.

That poor lad was moved 36 times in 4 years according to the article! It is unbelievable. Then ultimately put in homeless accommodation with drug addicts and criminals. There is no mention of any action against his local authority. Made me cry reading about what happened to him. Poor, poor, Joe. DS looks so like him.

I know I’m going to have to continue fighting for DS. It’s so bloody exhausting. Took years just to get him an EHCP by which time he had to be taken out of formal education. Currently trying to get him a social worker which seems to be the gateway for much of the support he could get. It’s so shit trying to manage him and his behaviour while trying to get support for him at the same time. He struggles so much just going to college let alone ever being able to hold down a job.

There’s obviously no guarantee even if he got supported living that he wouldn’t be moved around if services are cut etc. So, so worrying.

One of my biggest fears is something like this happening to my lovely, beautiful boy who has ASD, ADHD and learning difficulties. He’s still only a child now but I do think he’s going to be vulnerable to this type of thing- as many adults with these challenges are. There is nowhere near enough support for those with disabilities and their families as it is. I can’t see that getting better, even if the tories get fucked on in the next GE. They’ve done some irreparable damage in how the disabled are viewed in this country: often with suspicion, people grassing on others for claiming benefits that they (the grasser) doesn’t think they should or would be entitled to, challenging people and asking nosy and intrusive questions about their conditions they’ve no right to ask. That’s without the soul destroying mess they’ve made of the benefits system and all the cuts to services.

That poor mother and her poor darling son. I hope she finds a kind of peace the best she can. Joe was a lovely and clearly very loved young man. He deserved a bright and happy future.

I understand. I sometimes play EuroMillions and have fantasies about a sort of commune with appropriate support for vulnerable adults with autism.

I understand. Its so scary isnt it.

I think in the circumstances you're describing maybe trying to grow that independence while you are here in support might be the best thing? I know its exhausting though.

YANBU to be worried but YwouldBU not to at least explore supported living placements with him in due course. There are some good ones put there and you really, really dont want to be doing this in your 80s.

I really feel for those of you in this position. I've just been googling with the aim of finding a link to one place I know about, unsuccessfully. But it has led me to "care farms" which seems to be one term used for places that offer supported meaningful employment and sometimes accommodation for vulnerable disabled adults. The place I know provides community living for a group with disabilities, near a village (and a beach). This kind of environment won't be suitable for everyone who needs supported living but it seems to me to have huge advantages.

I hope I will one day be able to donate or provide other meaningful support to growing that sort of provision, it is so important as part of society.

Best wishes to those of you facing these challenges in your children's futures.

I hear you. Same situation and it scares me. My son is so vulnerable.

I 100% understand your fears. My dd has ASD and she is far too vulnerable to live independently. She would be an easy target to be manipulated.
I also worry what would happen to her if I died. I hope she goes before me as awful as that sounds.

I think it depends where you live, OP. In my part of the world, two councils commission fantastic supported living schemes, the third one, not so much.

The case you posted is horrifying. That poor man should never have been placed in TA. I hope that there's a serious case review into this, at least. The council need to rethink how they accommodate vulnerable people.

DH and I are likely to have him at home until we’re on our last legs and then god knows what’ll happen to him. He has siblings but they can’t be expected to care for him in their later years

I wouldn't write off the sibling situation. A lot depends on the sibling's attitude but it can work. My step son is 41 and autistic - he still lives with his Mum and they work well together. His brother has said that when the time comes, he'll put an annexe on his property and his brother can live there with the family ( the annexe would be financed by any money left to both of them by their mother ).

It doesn't sound as if your DS needs a lot of care - like my DSS he just needs caring support. Families can and do step up and do the care , so don't write off your other children as this can be a good option for everyone.

In case it helps anyone, and I know not everyone will have the financial means, but there is a charity called Rethink and they can put your estate into trust and administrate it so your vulnerable child can be provided with care after you are gone and their finances overseen so they can’t be exploited (in the financial sense).

I'm in a similar situation. I worry about cuckooing. It's shit.

There are lots of lovely supported living schemes with lots of support. It’s just finding it. My own son is severely autistic with severe learning disabilities and epilepsy. He’s very vulnerable as he’s non verbal and wouldn’t know if someone was abusing him so it’s a major worry. We can’t care for him forever however and I don’t want my other children to physically care for him (he needs 24/7 support). We’ll be looking for a forever place next year once he finishes college.

I haven’t read that article, i don’t want to!

Also to add it’s worth looking at power of attorney once our kids become adults (if he has capacity) or deputyship if he doesn’t so you have more control over things and can make decisions for him. Without it parents wishes are pushed aside a lot of the time.

DS is 13. He has a few diagnosis including ASD. He sounds very similar I cant see him ever living alone and the dream of him working seems vanishingly unlikely. DD(15) and I have had the discussion and dont trust the idea of supported living. She actually feels stronger about it than I do having seen his treatment in schools first hand.

So my job is to keep alive as long as humanly possible so she can travel as much as possible and set up a decent career that hopefully has a degree of flexibility whilst young.

No, not particularly the way I wanted her to plan her life. However it will be significantly better than mine as I had no chance to plan my life to accommodate for the care of a disabled child/adult. I just had to knuckle down and make the best of where I found myself.

On the upside he's mostly sweet, easy and adoring so looking after him isnt hard from that respect.

My brother has lived in supported living for 20 years. We research throughly the houses where he lived (3) he's been at the latest house for the last 12 years. The staff are amazing, the company are obviously doing the right thing as staff turnover is very low. My brother is very happy there and has opportunities that he could never have had were he to live at home,he was really well supported when mum died and sees the house as his home.

Me and dsis had to have many conversations with mum and dad about allowing brother to move to supported living she was very very against it , he has done so much much better than those who were moved to a home in their 50's and 60's. He has a hugely varied and active life now.