AIBU to want to run away?

[kravestix]

Sometimes, I just fucking hate my life and want to run away.

I have a narcissistic parent who makes me life a misery sometimes. I recently put my foot down and said enough is enough but the fall out of this is causing me so much stress and aggravation.

I have one DC who is nearly three and I'm struggling at the moment. I'm sick of being climbed over and hurt. I'm sick of being ignored and not listened too.

Also have a DH who is wonderful but sometimes I feel so frustrated because he always seems to get the final say on important decisions and yet claims, he never gets a say and I always get what I want.

I mean, sure, it's me who gets the deciding vote on trivial things like home decor, flooring, curtains, day to day stuff, iyswim but he's the one that gets the say on the big things.

I've wanted to move away since before we even met. He doesn't want too. Even now almost seven years later he won't entertain the idea. We live in the area we both come from. He has family here and I get that. I can't force him. But I hate it here. It's an expensive part of the country and we struggle to make ends meet. I think we'd have a better quality of life selling up and buying somewhere cheaper in another part of the country. But no. Not up for discussion.

I want a dog. Nope. Not allowed. I want a wnd DC. Nope. To be fair to DH, he's probably right about having a second DC. It's not a good idea. But I can't help wanting it regardless.

Sometimes, I just want to run away from it all. My house is a shit hole. My diet is poor. I can't keep my life together. It's chaotic and overwhelming.

Sorry, that should have said 'I want a 2nd DC'.

Everything just feels so messy.

If you have a narc parent it is very easy to end up with a partner with similar traits, not saying your DH is just it's a possibility. Might be worth investing in some counselling (if you can afford it) to work out what you want out of life. You sound frustrated with your life in general.

@redastherose

If you have a narc parent it is very easy to end up with a partner with similar traits, not saying your DH is just it's a possibility. Might be worth investing in some counselling (if you can afford it) to work out what you want out of life. You sound frustrated with your life in general.

Thanks but DH is the complete opposite of my parent.

Your DH sounds controlling, self-centred and gaslighty to me too OP

I'm not sure about that. I mean, it's fine for him to not want to move, to have another DC or get a dog. I can't override that and force him to do things he doesn't want. But it does annoy me regardless!

But you don't feel like you have any really meaningful control, do you?

And it doesn't feel like he wants to delegate any control / discussion on 'the big things'?

Surely being part of a couple is about compromise? Therefore, if he doesn't want to move away, he has to give in on either the child or the dog, you shouldn't let him have everything his own way. Have you told him that you're unhappy with things as they are? If so, has he listened, or has he just carried on as if your opinion doesn't matter? If he hasn't listened, then make him listen, do whatever you have to do to make him listen. Communication is what is needed in any relationship, and if it's one that you want to continue with, then you have to either communicate your needs, or give in. You decide!

See, he thinks its me that's in control and calling the shots and he always says he just goes with whatever I want and he never gets a say, etc. And as I said in my OP, this is kind of true because I make all of the minor decisions and seem to take the lead on day to day things. But the big decisions, I have no say in. I'm still annoyed about my DCs name. I wanted to call him Alexander on the birth certificate, nickname Alex. But DH got the deciding vote and the nickname got placed on the birth certificate because he didn't like the full version. (Not actually that name but just an example.) And 3 years on and I'm still kind of annoyed about it! Another example is, marriage, I want the same surname as my DC (who has taken DHs name) but I also don't want to lose my own name and hate the principal of the woman having to take the mans name. I don't think it's fair so I came up with some compromises including hypenating both our names. I like the idea of it being two families merging together rather than me joining his family, iyswim. But no. It's DHs surname or nothing. So, it either means I have to keep my name and not share a name with DC. Or change my name. No compromise from DH.

Obviously, he's not actually my DH yet but the whole name thing with the marriage is making me want reconsider whether I want too, anyway.

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

Surely being part of a couple is about compromise? Therefore, if he doesn't want to move away, he has to give in on either the child or the dog, you shouldn't let him have everything his own way. Have you told him that you're unhappy with things as they are? If so, has he listened, or has he just carried on as if your opinion doesn't matter? If he hasn't listened, then make him listen, do whatever you have to do to make him listen. Communication is what is needed in any relationship, and if it's one that you want to continue with, then you have to either communicate your needs, or give in. You decide!

He won't budge on either of the three issues. Moving, a 2nd DC or a dog. The compromise from him was 'I'd consider another cat.' I don't want and didn't ask for another cat! And then he moans and asks why I can't just be happy with what we have and why do I always want more. And genuinely, he doesn't think he has any say. He thinks I get all the say in everything because I chose what sofas to buy or what floor we install. Things he isn't really bothered about!

Fucking hell. I can't believe your husband has already been accused of being narcissistic and a gaslighter. Based on your post OP he is nothing of the sort. MN can be a really dangerous place at times. As for saying he should have a child he doesn't want and you're not in a good place to have just because he doesn't want to uproot to a place with no connections. Like I said, fucking hell

If I'm being totally honest moving, having another child and getting a dog are very big commitments that I wouldn't think it's controlling for a couple to disagree on.

If you don't think he's controlling could you be projecting. Like you feel you have no control else where in your life that it magnifies with you partner.

I really do empathise feeling powerless though, it's horrible. Are you working? No judgement if not, just that I think it would make you feel empowered to be valued at something your good at, and maybe give you a break from being a human trampoline to your three year of (again no judgement as I know the feeling!).

Also my husband is the same saying I have the say on most things. Then one day I realised that I usually just backed down when he wanted something I didn't so not to cause an argument or that I knew it meant a lot to etc. So in his pig head he thought I was happy going along with things as i didn't explicitly (basically spell it out for him in simple terms). Like your sons name thing, I'd have done the same and outwardly just let him silence my opinion. Now I clearly state if I was controlling we'd be moved now or I'd have my dog (or whatever the point being made is)and I'm saying I'm not happy about something so why aren't you listening. Sorry it's not much help op.

The decisions you give examples of that he gets a final say on seem to simply be ones that require two "yeses" rather than ones where he's steamrollering over you.

Is it, perhaps, more a matter that the two of you are less compatible than you need to be to both be happy together.

@Babyfg

If I'm being totally honest moving, having another child and getting a dog are very big commitments that I wouldn't think it's controlling for a couple to disagree on.

If you don't think he's controlling could you be projecting. Like you feel you have no control else where in your life that it magnifies with you partner.

I really do empathise feeling powerless though, it's horrible. Are you working? No judgement if not, just that I think it would make you feel empowered to be valued at something your good at, and maybe give you a break from being a human trampoline to your three year of (again no judgement as I know the feeling!).

Also my husband is the same saying I have the say on most things. Then one day I realised that I usually just backed down when he wanted something I didn't so not to cause an argument or that I knew it meant a lot to etc. So in his pig head he thought I was happy going along with things as i didn't explicitly (basically spell it out for him in simple terms). Like your sons name thing, I'd have done the same and outwardly just let him silence my opinion. Now I clearly state if I was controlling we'd be moved now or I'd have my dog (or whatever the point being made is)and I'm saying I'm not happy about something so why aren't you listening. Sorry it's not much help op.

I do work yes, two days a week and I really enjoy it. And I agree, they are all big decisions and big commitments so I can't hold it against him for saying no. I can't force those things on to him like I can a certain type of sofa. I don't know.

@user1471457751

Fucking hell. I can't believe your husband has already been accused of being narcissistic and a gaslighter. Based on your post OP he is nothing of the sort. MN can be a really dangerous place at times. As for saying he should have a child he doesn't want and you're not in a good place to have just because he doesn't want to uproot to a place with no connections. Like I said, fucking hell

Yep I have to agree with this. If it was ‘Aibu my husband wants us to move away from my family, and force me to have a 2nd DC when I don’t want one’ it would be carnage on here…. He just doesn’t want a dog (which is a little life by the way and not a commodity you can ‘compromise on’) another baby, or to move away from his family. He obviously feels very strongly about these things, and If you can’t live with that you need to go your separate ways I think OP (in the kindest possible way)

@BoomBoomsCousin

The decisions you give examples of that he gets a final say on seem to simply be ones that require two "yeses" rather than ones where he's steamrollering over you.

Is it, perhaps, more a matter that the two of you are less compatible than you need to be to both be happy together.

Yes, you're right, which is why it's so frustrating because it's things that need two yeses to happen so if he says no, which he's perfectly entitled to do, then that's that.

I do wonder if we aren't as compatible as I thought but we are very close and get on very well.

It does frustrate me though. I feel like I wont ever be able move away or get a dog. And those are things I want, if not now, but at some point. I don't like the area we are in. DC is due to start school next year and all of the ones in our catchment are pretty crap. Another reason I want to move. I think we'd have a better lifestyle if we did, and more opportunities.

Also I wonder if these are actually things that you aught to have sounded out before you had a DC him. When I think about it I knew my DHs position on all of these before we got married. More DC than we currently haven’t? Nope! A dog? Definitely. Move away from family? As long as we visit regularly. None of these were a surprise to me after marriage which is a good thing because they are big ones!

That should read ‘more DC than we have’

Yep, I completely get this. Which is why the situation is so frustrating. If he doesn't want those things then he doesnt want those things and trying to convince, persuade or bully him into any of them would be totally wrong. They aren't really things that can be compromised on. I get that, completely. I hate the area we are in. But he would hate not being here. Therefore, neither of us would be happy whatever we did. I guess, it's for me fo decide whether I care enough for our relationship to continue living somewhere I don't like, to come to terms with never having another child or a dog.

@Holly60

Also I wonder if these are actually things that you aught to have sounded out before you had a DC him. When I think about it I knew my DHs position on all of these before we got married. More DC than we currently haven’t? Nope! A dog? Definitely. Move away from family? As long as we visit regularly. None of these were a surprise to me after marriage which is a good thing because they are big ones!

DH actually has children from a previous Marriage and he always said he was open to having children with me. He wanted me to be happy and didn't mind either way. He already had them so wouldn't mind if we didn't have any, but equally would be happy to try with me if it's what I wanted. I was always of the impression he'd be okay with us having two. I never wanted more than that. But, now he's decided, he's too old, we don't have enough space, I won't be able to cope with another and neither of us could cope if we have another miscarriage. Which makes me feel a bit shit, tbh. He had four DC with his ex. So clearly believed she could cope with 4. But I can't with more than one. He'd never experienced a miscarriage before either and that shook him. I do feel a little resentful actually that he now has 5 DC, I have 1 DC but now I'm not allowed anymore but it was fine for him to have 5.

His excuse is that he was younger and less mature than. Never thought things through but now he's older he's more inclined to be sensible and follow his head rather than heart.

But I love him and don't want to be without him. So, I guess that's my answer, isn't it.

He'd never experienced a miscarriage before either and that shook him. I do feel a little resentful actually that he now has 5 DC, I have 1 DC but now I'm not allowed anymore but it was fine for him to have 5.

You are allowed more. Just not with him.