AIBU to want to run away?

[kravestix]

Sometimes, I just fucking hate my life and want to run away.

I have a narcissistic parent who makes me life a misery sometimes. I recently put my foot down and said enough is enough but the fall out of this is causing me so much stress and aggravation.

I have one DC who is nearly three and I'm struggling at the moment. I'm sick of being climbed over and hurt. I'm sick of being ignored and not listened too.

Also have a DH who is wonderful but sometimes I feel so frustrated because he always seems to get the final say on important decisions and yet claims, he never gets a say and I always get what I want.

I mean, sure, it's me who gets the deciding vote on trivial things like home decor, flooring, curtains, day to day stuff, iyswim but he's the one that gets the say on the big things.

I've wanted to move away since before we even met. He doesn't want too. Even now almost seven years later he won't entertain the idea. We live in the area we both come from. He has family here and I get that. I can't force him. But I hate it here. It's an expensive part of the country and we struggle to make ends meet. I think we'd have a better quality of life selling up and buying somewhere cheaper in another part of the country. But no. Not up for discussion.

I want a dog. Nope. Not allowed. I want a wnd DC. Nope. To be fair to DH, he's probably right about having a second DC. It's not a good idea. But I can't help wanting it regardless.

Sometimes, I just want to run away from it all. My house is a shit hole. My diet is poor. I can't keep my life together. It's chaotic and overwhelming.

To be honest, it sounds like you are not compatible and it's OK to admit that. Life is too short to stay in a situation that is so so miserable. I get it, I'd feel the need to run away in your situation too. You're not crazy / ungrateful / whatever you tell yourself to convince yourself to stay.

The only thing he's unreasonable about is the name thing- not sure I could have gotten over that either.

@BoomBoomsCousin

He'd never experienced a miscarriage before either and that shook him. I do feel a little resentful actually that he now has 5 DC, I have 1 DC but now I'm not allowed anymore but it was fine for him to have 5.

You are allowed more. Just not with him.

I know. But I don't want to have them with anyone else. It's him I've chosen and want to be with.

Is it really though?

You're giving up a lot to be with him... is he really want you want (more than all the other stuff) or are you feeling trapped like you can't leave?

Him not wanting to move makes more sense if he has 4 other children to care for (does he care for them...?)

YOU are the star of your own life, you get to call the shots. If you want to move away, meet someone more compatible and have another baby that's totally ok

@ThreeLittleDots

Your DH sounds controlling, self-centred and gaslighty to me too OP

There's something actually wrong with your head. He sounds nothing like that at all.

@Auntycorruption

Is it really though?

You're giving up a lot to be with him... is he really want you want (more than all the other stuff) or are you feeling trapped like you can't leave?

Him not wanting to move makes more sense if he has 4 other children to care for (does he care for them...?)

YOU are the star of your own life, you get to call the shots. If you want to move away, meet someone more compatible and have another baby that's totally ok

Yes, we have the DSC often and they're fantastic. We have a close relationship so I understand that he wouldn't want to move away from them. But, knowing what he's like, he still wouldn't want to move away even once they're all grown up and have themselves moved on. Whereas, I've wanted to move away for as long as I can remember. Actually, I remember vividly when we were planning our first holiday. It's the only one we've ever been on but at the time, it was a special big thing, we had a big budget for it. Everywhere I suggested going, DH said no. He didn't want to go further than Europe. I did. He didnt want anywhere too hot. We ended up in the South of France. That's as far and as hot as he wanted. But honestly, he's such a caring and wonderful partner. An absolute rock. If I move and have another baby, it's him I want to do those things with.

No, he isn't like that, at all.

Op I think you need to take some responsibility here. You basically just rolled over and went along with every decision. Things like moving. If that's what you really wanted to do initially, then why did you allow his desire to stay outweigh yours? You made a choice there. And it very clearly sounds that he said he would have a baby to make you happy. Very clearly. So I'm not sure where you got the idea that he would want to have more than one?
He has 5 kids, and rightly so that's alot. That's also something you knew as a fact before hand so why are you now comparing his 5 to 1? You must have known that he would always have 4 more kids, and any additional would really add to that.
I don't think he is controlling or gaslighting at all. His reasons are extremely valid for saying no. The only one would be the dog issue. What's his objection to that? How many pets do you currently have?

@Mandsy100

Op I think you need to take some responsibility here. You basically just rolled over and went along with every decision. Things like moving. If that's what you really wanted to do initially, then why did you allow his desire to stay outweigh yours? You made a choice there. And it very clearly sounds that he said he would have a baby to make you happy. Very clearly. So I'm not sure where you got the idea that he would want to have more than one? He has 5 kids, and rightly so that's alot. That's also something you knew as a fact before hand so why are you now comparing his 5 to 1? You must have known that he would always have 4 more kids, and any additional would really add to that. I don't think he is controlling or gaslighting at all. His reasons are extremely valid for saying no. The only one would be the dog issue. What's his objection to that? How many pets do you currently have?

I was always under the impression he would be okay with having two. This has only recently changed. And he's decided he's done. I was also under the impression that he would consider a move once his DC had grown up. And now, tbh, I don't think this has ever been the case and I wonder if he said about it originally to keep me happy thinking nothing would ever come of it, not realising how much I really did want to move away. But I agree, he isn't controlling or anything like that and his choices are perfectly valid. It's just unfortunate that we both want opposing things in this sense. Currently, we have two cats. His objection is just that he doesn't really like dogs. Which again, I suppose is fair enough.

I think he's right on not having another baby or dog as you've said yourself that you're struggling and want to run away. I think both the dog and the baby are to try to fill a hole in you - I don't think they will do it though, they will just be another huge stress that has the opposite effect. I think maybe you're looking to the dog/baby to make you feel better about yourself.

It's also understandable that he doesn't want to move away from his children. Is the wanting to move away due to wanting to escape the narc parent? Maybe it's time to cut them off completely and not allow them to cause you any more stress and aggravation?

I think you're not very happy with yourself/feel a bit out of control in your life and that is why you think you want all these things - in the hope that they will fix you. IMO the best things to work on would be your diet, getting your OH to help you sort the house out, calm and consistent boundaries and consequences for lo's behaviour and doing some fun things just for yourself. Could you go on a holiday by yourself while DH looks after lo for a few days or a week if he doesn't want to go to the sort of places you want to (this is what I did when my lo was young) - for example a weekend in Florence or Venice in September would give you something to look forward to, to plan for and give you a break to remember who you are.

I don't think you need to dump your DH, I just think you need to have something for yourself that you can look forward to - but that won't end up causing you more stress in the long run.

So you want him to move away from 4 of his children to a completely unknown area, for no specific reason?

Is there a compromise area nearby you'd prefer to live in? I've moved 15 miles, which is nothing in terms of visiting people, but it's a completely different place and lifestyle.

OP I get that you are fed up and frustrated and your urge is to run - it sounds as though life is very stressful for you right now. But none if the things (another child/dog/moving) will make life less stressful, quite the opposite.

When you chose to have a child with a man w 5 children you knew surely that this might limit the number of children he might want with you? And that moving to another part of the country would be impossible. You are not being reasonable in complaining about those things.

You can of course leave and open yourself up to meeting someone else to have another child with, or live alone and get a dog. Those are valid choices. But fgs try and approach them as an adult, not a child whining "it's not fair!!!"

Have you sat down and had a reasoned discussion on the pros and cons of each decision? One where one person speaks and the other listens?

Realistically if you moved would that make contact with his other 4 dc difficult? What are the current arrangements? It sounds as if he has his plate extremely full and can’t add to this. Which is sad for you but pretty understandable from his perspective ( and probably better for his children too).

Unfortunately there’s no solution to this. If you want to make this relationship a success then try to improve communication and look for possible compromises. Maybe he’ll consider a dog later, or move when the DC are older?

How old is he and how old are you?

From what you are describing it sounds like this relationship and life is wearing you down, which I get because it sounds unsatisfying. I think it’s about more than the dog, kid and location though.

But at the same time, he already has 5 kids, omg no wonder he’s done. I’m actually a bit surprised he agreed to have one with you as he’s been there, some that and I can’t think of anyone who would want to do it again when they’re coming out the other side. But you have only 1, it’s not surprising you want another.

The dog? Well if you are looking after it I can’t see why he gets to have the final say.

Moving? I think you’re being unrealistic to expect him to agree. He has 4 other kids nearby. Even when the youngest turns 18 that won’t magically mean they don’t need him and he can move away. I don’t know how old they are but I’m guessing the youngest has to be not older than about 14 if they are still coming over heaps.

But I can see why you don’t want your life stuck forever where you were born.

I think you have to work out what makes you happy now, what would make you happy that you don’t have, and whether the idea of the above three things of kid, dog, moving or anything else is just masking the general unhappiness you are experiencing either with life in general or in the relationship you are in, or both.

@BeGreen

How old is he and how old are you?

From what you are describing it sounds like this relationship and life is wearing you down, which I get because it sounds unsatisfying. I think it’s about more than the dog, kid and location though.

But at the same time, he already has 5 kids, omg no wonder he’s done. I’m actually a bit surprised he agreed to have one with you as he’s been there, some that and I can’t think of anyone who would want to do it again when they’re coming out the other side. But you have only 1, it’s not surprising you want another.

The dog? Well if you are looking after it I can’t see why he gets to have the final say.

Moving? I think you’re being unrealistic to expect him to agree. He has 4 other kids nearby. Even when the youngest turns 18 that won’t magically mean they don’t need him and he can move away. I don’t know how old they are but I’m guessing the youngest has to be not older than about 14 if they are still coming over heaps.

But I can see why you don’t want your life stuck forever where you were born.

I think you have to work out what makes you happy now, what would make you happy that you don’t have, and whether the idea of the above three things of kid, dog, moving or anything else is just masking the general unhappiness you are experiencing either with life in general or in the relationship you are in, or both.

He's 38 and I'm 25

So if you’re 25 and you have an almost 3 year old, you were pregnant when you were 20/21 and he was 35. That’s pretty troubling, quite legal but poles apart in life experience and circumstance. So essentially you went from being a kid/teen with a shit parent, to jumping straight into parenthood and step mum to 4 other kids.

And no growing up in between, no learning about yourself as an individual an an adult, no chance to experience travel, no chance to just be responsible for you and no one else, no opportunities for self growth, no chance to fluff around an not know what to do with your life as you should be doing in your early 20s, no opportunities for anything much really.

I’m actually disgusted that a grown man in his 30s with 4 kids would enter into this type of relationship with someone only 20/21, anyone in his 30s who is at least partially self aware would know it was wrong to dump an older adult life on someone who was 20/21. I get the having a baby yourself at 20 but not the rest of it and the step parenting of 4 older kids, gross and wrong.

It just seems like a massive mess. I suppose you have to options, one is to be passive and unhappy and do nothing, so end up with this same life in 10-15 years. Or you work out WHY you really do hate your life and what can be changed, you might end up changing some things in your life and relationship dynamics and staying with him, or you might leave him. Just don’t be passive and unhappy and do nothing, if you are this unhappy now at 25 it won’t get better without change of some sort and the change should be driven by you and not as a reaction to him/your mum etc.

@BeGreen

So if you’re 25 and you have an almost 3 year old, you were pregnant when you were 20/21 and he was 35. That’s pretty troubling, quite legal but poles apart in life experience and circumstance. So essentially you went from being a kid/teen with a shit parent, to jumping straight into parenthood and step mum to 4 other kids.

And no growing up in between, no learning about yourself as an individual an an adult, no chance to experience travel, no chance to just be responsible for you and no one else, no opportunities for self growth, no chance to fluff around an not know what to do with your life as you should be doing in your early 20s, no opportunities for anything much really.

I’m actually disgusted that a grown man in his 30s with 4 kids would enter into this type of relationship with someone only 20/21, anyone in his 30s who is at least partially self aware would know it was wrong to dump an older adult life on someone who was 20/21. I get the having a baby yourself at 20 but not the rest of it and the step parenting of 4 older kids, gross and wrong.

It just seems like a massive mess. I suppose you have to options, one is to be passive and unhappy and do nothing, so end up with this same life in 10-15 years. Or you work out WHY you really do hate your life and what can be changed, you might end up changing some things in your life and relationship dynamics and staying with him, or you might leave him. Just don’t be passive and unhappy and do nothing, if you are this unhappy now at 25 it won’t get better without change of some sort and the change should be driven by you and not as a reaction to him/your mum etc.

We met at work when I was eighteen. It was my first job fresh from school. We've been together ever since.

Anyway, today I'm in a great deal of pain due to a jaw injury. I text him at work explaining how much pain I was in and how I'm struggling to cope with looking after our 3 year old and his answer is to say, he's not being mean, but what do I want him to do, quit his job, etc.. I told him to go right ahead and he's written his resignation on a bit of paper and sent a photo of it to me. 😂

I honestly give up.

OP, I'm not saying he is a bad person, but at 8am you said he was your "rock" and at 10.50am he's giving you a flippant and sarcastic response when you tell him you're in pain and struggling with the toddler.

You met him at 18 and he has been ‘your rock’. Can I ask why you needed a rock? We’re your earlier years difficult?

@PriestessofPing

You met him at 18 and he has been ‘your rock’. Can I ask why you needed a rock? We’re your earlier years difficult?

I grew up with a narcissistic parent. I have mental health problems. And now seemingly struggle day to day.

Sorry to hear that. Must have been such a difficult time for you. No wonder an older man seemed like such a solid option. Do you have outside support for your mental health?

@PriestessofPing

Sorry to hear that. Must have been such a difficult time for you. No wonder an older man seemed like such a solid option. Do you have outside support for your mental health?

I'm on medication and had CBT at the end of last year. I thought things were improving but perhaps not now

the things he is vetoing, imo, are things that should be allowed to be vetoed by one person. If only one of a pair wants a dog or 2nd baby, it is supremely selfish for the other one to push on with it.

You seem to have decided on all the home furnishings, what is day to day stuff? what you eat? that is important stuff. He lives in a house where someone else chose how it looks (i assume he doesn't hate it) how much input does he have in your meal planning? what car you drive? when/where you go on holiday?

TBH it sounds ok to me. You probably need to work on how you view compromise etc.

Why was he attracted to you, OP? I can see why an older man with a solid history was appealing to you. Why were you appealing to him?