To tell my sister who her dad is?

[westing]

My sister is 13, I'm in my 20's.

She doesn't know who her dad is, I know that hes one one of our Mum's friends. Because he lives abroad and has MH issues, they decided he couldn't be a full time parent and she would be less hurt if she didnt know.
He contributes financially and has a good relationship with my sister and younger siblings but only as mums friend not as her dad and tries not to show extra interest in his daughter.

Recently shes been really upset about not knowing who her dad is and says she wants to try and find him. She knows a pretend first name and where they were supposed to have met. I've spoken both my mum and her dad and said I think she should be told the truth and than I dont feel comfortable lying to her and they both have said they should told her when she was younger but won't tell her because she will be upset that she was lied to and they think it will ruin the good relationship she has with him now.

WIBU to tell her? and if not when? Now? When shes 16? 18?

That's a tough one. She definitely needs to know and has every right to know who her father is. Whether it's up to you to tell her is debatable. She'll find out eventually with the market for DNA testing growing all the time. One spit in a tube and if any of his relatives have done a test she'll be matched with them. I'd be telling your mother it's best it comes from her, rather than sister possibly finding out via DNA later on.

I would tell her but only after having the ‘if you don’t tell her, I will’ conversation with your parents.

Sorry, I mean with your mum.

This is such a massive thing that I would strongly suggest seeking out professional advice about how best to tell her. She definitely should know who her father is. It's wrong and cruel to keep that from her.

She may need counselling to come to terms with it - particularly with the lying.

There are specialist counsellors and social workers who can advise and facilitate this.

What a fucking mess, and shame on your mum for making this into a massive drama when it never had to be.

I think I would tell your mum she has one week to tell your sister the truth, and if she doesn't, you will. Your mum is making you an accomplice to her lies, and I don't think I could live with that. Not when your sister is 13 and wants to know who her father is.

I could imagine keeping up the campaign that her parents (the people raising her) should tell her, she deserves to know, but don't interfere by telling a 13yr old. You won't make things better.

Tell her now OP she will be gutted that you know and didn't tell her.

I agree you should tell your mum to tell her or you will. It’s outrageous that they intend to lie to her for her entire life! She’s bound to find out at some point and the longer it goes on the more hurt she’ll be. Also completely unfair on you to be forced to lie along.

What the fuck were they thinking? Creating this huge, shitty mess for what? What was even the point?

The truth needs to come out at some point, but as the mother of a young teenager I wouldn’t tell her right now. I might be biased based on my gut feeling about how my own teenager would react at this age.

Mum hasn't ruled out telling her once shes an adult but is adamant she won't tell her while shes an emotional teenager as she doesnt want to cause her more upset and she doesnt want to ruin their relationship.

I agree that its very likely she will be very upset and it will cause damage at least to start with but think she's already upset as it is and that I would want to know if it were me.

Like someone else said, with dna testing, the time is ticking on these types of arrangements. She’ll know soon enough and be angry anyway. The stage was set for anger when she wasn’t told the truth from the beginning. Any more time spent avoiding the truth adds to the weight of that deception IMO.

That said if you tell her you risk upsetting your mum. I’d press on her how important this is that your sister knows her own truth, and encourage her to tell her.

Tell her - absolutely awful she doesn’t know. It’s imperative for her identity! So so damaging this whole situation! Don’t know what on earth the adults here are thinking.

No wonder she's an emotional teenager! Your mum is way out of line as is her dad for conspiring to trick her. Awful behaviour from the adults.

Tell her yourself. Now. Otherwise you are colluding in the lie as well. If your Mum tells her, and she finds out you knew all along (which she will), she will feel that you betrayed her, too.

It's a tough situation. I feel it's her parents place to tell her, but I wouldn't want to be part of the lie. I'd be really angry if my sibling kept this information from me. And the longer this goes on the more damage the lie will do to her relationship with her family. I think setting a deadline after which you will tell her if they don't seems the least bad of the options. Because of her parents behaviour there aren't any good options, because either way she is going to be hurt by this. It should have just been matter of fact from when she was little that DF was her father. Do her siblings all know their father, if so that could feel even more isolating to her, that she's the only one who doesn't have a father she knows. Things like that can really est at you.

I agree, what a mess. This is why I disagree with anonymous sperm or egg donation - the child should have the right to know when they reach 18, if their parents haven't told them before that (which they should).

By not telling your sister they have turned a relatively non-event into something major, and they have put you in a difficult position.

It should not be up to you to right that wrong. I think you should talk to your mother, in front of your sister, and tell her she needs to tell her the truth.

But if you do that bear in mind that your mother may be upset with you. And your sister may be upset that you knew and she was the only one who didn't.

If you're not honest with her it's not not her relationship with her parents that'll be damaged. I think you know in your heart you need to tell her, but do get professional advice.

Not *just

I agree with tell your mum that either she tells her or you will because she's already upset.

There's another thread today on this same topic. Every child has the right to know their birth story. I daresay your mum and former partner meant well, but your sister should know the truth. Waiting for the right time to tell usually backfires, as the right time never comes

When does she feel your DSis will be adult enough to tell her? Telling her in late teens or early twenties will be much worse IMHO. At that age and with the ongoing hurt this is causing she could decide to deal with it by cutting off or going low contact with those that have hurt her, including you OP. 13 isn't a great age to find out something this important has been hidden from you and lied about, but the only good age to find this out is as a little kid and is long past. As a middle aged adult I can't understand her parents reasoning for hiding it and lying to her. She's not going to suddenly think it's ok they lied to her when she turns 20. That's 7 more years of lies, 7 more years of hurt over this.

Tell your mum to book a counsellor to advise how best to tell her and what back lash to expect and how to handle it. You see a counsellor too re how to help and support and get a counsellor lined up for your DS when she finds out. It may be possible for all of you to initially see the same person but I think a conflict of interest may come in at some point. She has to know but how and the expected fall out and coming to terms with it needs lining up as damage limitation BEFORE anyone goes in and tells her. It must be handled correctly or you’ll end up blown apart and DS feeling worse than she does now

@westing

Mum hasn't ruled out telling her once shes an adult but is adamant she won't tell her while shes an emotional teenager as she doesnt want to cause her more upset and she doesnt want to ruin their relationship.

I agree that its very likely she will be very upset and it will cause damage at least to start with but think she's already upset as it is and that I would want to know if it were me.

The longer she lies, the higher the likelihood that the relationship will be ruined for all time. Your sister has asked. She has been lied to. That doesn't get any better. But whilst it may be difficult to understand the reasons for that lie now, and she may be upset or angry, she will hopefully grow into understanding the reason for the lie. Every year that passes that lie grows bigger and the reasons less explainable.

I think you have to have a conversation with your mum that is "you tell her or I must". In the end, do remember that by keeping the secret you are part of the lie. And when your sister is an adult, all she may see is how many people she loves lied to her.

If your DM won’t see a counsellor you start it rolling by going then sharing that with her to try and get her to go.

I think PPs suggestion to seek professional advice is a good one - so I’d do that, and then have the if you don’t tell her I will conversation with your mum/her Dad.

What are they playing at?!

I think she has the right to know and should be told, but not by you.
Her mother and/or father should tell her the truth.

In your shoes I might deliver an ultimatum to your mother ( tell her, or I will) and hope that pushes DM to take responsibility.