Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To tell my sister who her dad is?

38 replies

westing · 24/05/2021 20:19

My sister is 13, I'm in my 20's.

She doesn't know who her dad is, I know that hes one one of our Mum's friends. Because he lives abroad and has MH issues, they decided he couldn't be a full time parent and she would be less hurt if she didnt know.
He contributes financially and has a good relationship with my sister and younger siblings but only as mums friend not as her dad and tries not to show extra interest in his daughter.

Recently shes been really upset about not knowing who her dad is and says she wants to try and find him. She knows a pretend first name and where they were supposed to have met. I've spoken both my mum and her dad and said I think she should be told the truth and than I dont feel comfortable lying to her and they both have said they should told her when she was younger but won't tell her because she will be upset that she was lied to and they think it will ruin the good relationship she has with him now.

WIBU to tell her? and if not when? Now? When shes 16? 18?

OP posts:

tarheelbaby · 24/05/2021 21:17

I agree that if she's asking questions at age 13 someone should tell her. Young people that age can be much more ready in some areas than in others.

Ideally your mum would tell her story with a kindly explanation about how Uncle X is such a good uncle but that's all there is.

Can you leave an untraceable letter or note - print out something so it's not your handwriting - and leave it for her to find? Then, later, if she's angry, you can explain that it wasn't your secret to share directly but that you were on her side.

If she confronts the friend will he confess? Maybe let him know that she is asking questions and that it's only a matter of time until she knows he's her dad.

ResIpsaLoquiturInterAlia · 24/05/2021 21:23

Challenging dilemma but if the child is mature enough to be inquisitive and understand some of the significance (in an age adjusted way) - then the child should be informed and given the reassurance of knowing about the background to their being. The unknowing for an inquisitive older child can I guess leave a very deep worrisome sense of loss and emptiness. The pluses of transparency outweighs any negative feelings, mistrust or sense of not belonging or missing incompleteness.

diamondpony80 · 24/05/2021 21:24

Oh gosh I think it would be SO much worse if your mum waited until she was an adult. Would she ever even forgive her for lying all those years, when she actually knew her dad but didn't know it? She might fall out with you too - you know the truth, so you're lying by omission. It's not your fault, but this could affect your relationship with her. I would absolutely put the ultimatum to your mum - either she tells your sister or you do. I know you shouldn't have to, but I think your mum is VERY wrong here.

DreamingNow · 24/05/2021 21:32

The time to tell her is when she is asking for it.

FortniteBoysMum · 24/05/2021 21:41

Don't do it. My cousin told me my dad was not my dad and it was horrible. I was 9 when I found out. Talk to your mum again and tell her the longer she leaves it the harder it will be. It needs to come from her. I didn't know about about my biological father. I only found out in the past week he was 18 almost 19 when I was born and my mum was 24. Kind of explains some of the things that went on really. It's no excuse for being an absent parent as I had my son at just turned 19 but it does explain his stupid behaviour at the time he was barely an adult.

CutieBear · 24/05/2021 21:49

@westing

Mum hasn't ruled out telling her once shes an adult but is adamant she won't tell her while shes an emotional teenager as she doesnt want to cause her more upset and she doesnt want to ruin their relationship.

I agree that its very likely she will be very upset and it will cause damage at least to start with but think she's already upset as it is and that I would want to know if it were me.

If you wait any longer then she will resent you and your mum. She will feel deceived. If I were you, I would tell her. 13 is old enough.

Gothichouse40 · 24/05/2021 21:50

I haven't read all the threads, but sometimes there is a reason that mums don't tell their children who their biological father is. Im afraid I wouldn't be saying anything, it's down to her mum to tell her and explain the actions she took. Not everything in families/ parenthood is straightforward. I'd be very wary of putting myself forward in this situation.Once the information is given to this youngster, it will be difficult to put the genie back in the bottle if it all goes horribly wrong.

toocold54 · 24/05/2021 21:53

Are you close with her? I think my sister told me more than my mum did and I was more comfortable talking to my sister about things. I just worry about her age as being 13 is difficult as it is but I worry the longer you leave it the harder it will be for her.

SisterAgatha · 25/05/2021 07:32

the genie back in the bottle if it all goes horribly wrong

I just don’t agree with this. Her father isn’t a genie, he’s a real life human with dna that he has passed on to his daughter. There are no circumstances that lying about where a child came from are right. A child has to know who they are, even if that isn’t the truth the mother would like it to be. You cannot put dna back in a bottle, the truth is the truth. If the truth goes horribly wrong, then that was still the right and correct way to behave

Lennon80 · 25/05/2021 12:35

Agree with SisterAgatha

There is never a benefit to not knowing - it’s going to cause all manner of identity issues - I’ve seen it before - this doesn’t play out well.

FortniteBoysMum · 25/05/2021 12:38

As a child who's lived this it's not your place to tell her. It needs to come from one of the parents. The longer it gets left the more chance she will hate them and go off the rails.

Pinkyxx · 25/05/2021 12:47

This is such a sad situation, all of which could have been avoided with honesty. There are so many threads like this at the moment...

Your sister is asking for this information, at her age it's not surprising at all. She's lucky to have a sister like you who is thinking of HER.

In your shoes, I might be tempted to issue an ultimatum however I am not sure I'd go through with it as it really wouldn't be my place to divulge this information. It needs to be very carefully managed, by your Mum. My advice is continue to advocate on behalf of your sister and encourage your parents to seek specialist input on how to manage this with your sister. Evidently her Father needs to be involved as well.

It will likely be very hard for her to learn she's been lied to for so long, but the truth sets us free and you can be there for her as an objective loving support to help her take a balanced view - understanding why her parents made this choice. 13 is a tough time, emotional enough and she's likely to have very intense feelings and this coming out will impact the entire family - but she has an absolute right to know.

Gothichouse40 · 31/05/2021 12:24

SisAgatha, I perhaps could have put that better. I really meant that once it's out there, it is very difficult to retrieve the situation if it does go very wrong. Yes, the girl should be told, but not by her sister. The girl's mother should tell her and at a time that the mother feels is appropriate. Ive known situations where well-meaning siblings/relatives have opened their mouths and it's caused family rifts that have lasted years and some have never been resolved. The girl's mother obviously has her reasons. We don't know the whole story and neither does the OP, even if she thinks she does.

Flip

1 2