To ask how to deal with my daughters out of character behaviour? What consequences should I give her?

[hardtimescomeagainnomore]

I'm a single mum to a 12 year old boy and 16 year old girl, however, there dad is very much in the picture and involved, I'm glad to have him.

My son had a competition on Saturday in Scotland (we are in England) so I left my daughter in the house overnight for the first time. This was her chance to prove that she could be responsible alone in the house and I truly trusted her. She is a good girl, she does well in school, has a nice small group of friends, we have a very open and honest (so I thought) relationship. I think I'm a pretty relaxed parent to be honest, and it's always worked for us.

So we set off early Saturday morning, I had told her she could have maximum 3 of her friends over for some food (and I'm not naive, I knew there would probably be a bit of drinking happening). We kept in touch via text all day and everything was fine.

2 am I get a call from the police that they are at the house. I call her dad who immediately goes over to the house. He calls me and basically she had a party with 30+ teenagers in my house and making a racket outside in the garden smoking and drinking which caused the neighbours to call the police. Additionally 3 of my neighbours wing mirrors were kicked off by one of the boys at the party.

I came home Sunday and the state of my house made me cry, there was alcohol all over my bed sheet, every bed in the house was unmade like people had been in it including her little brothers. Cigarette burns in the sofa and carpet, drink spilt everywhere, it's stinking and I'm just so so upset

Daughter is very sheepish and apologetic and says it was a party that got out of hand but the trust is now gone. I have told her she will have to go to the neighbours doors individually tomorrow and apologise as well as money will be taken from her savings to pay to fix the wing mirrors. Both of which she has agreed to.

However, other than that I'm not sure how else to deal with it. Her dad thinks I should go easy on her as she is such a good girl and really, this is the only shit she's ever given us. On top of that her dad says the fact she is so remorseful shows she's learned her lesson.

I just don't agree, I don't know what to do but I am so disappointed in her, the trust is gone. How will I ever know when to trust her in the house alone again? I really don't know what the correct consequences for these types of things are, take her phone off her? Ground her? I just don't know.

Can anyone help?

*their dad, sorry

If it was my daughter, I’d firstly make her clean it all up. Secondly as soon as she starts earning tell her she has to pay towards the damage, it’s completely unacceptable in my eyes and disrespectful.
If she wants to behave like and adult then I’d treat her like one and she has to face the consequences like an adult xx
I believe lessons are learnt at home if she doesn’t respect her parents and home then she will not respect anything outside of that xx
Sorry she has disappointed you, I’m sure it’s the first of many lessons we have to teach them

I hope you have told her just how disappointed you are in her, and that your trust in her judgment has been trampled. She needs to know exactly how upset you are. She should be the one cleaning everything, top to bottom, and she should have to pay for any damages. I wouldn't stop with just that either. I would be absolutely fucking furious.

I remember at that age having a party with my parents' blessing - they went away for the night. The party was gatecrashed by a load of others I did not know whose behaviour was appalling. It was totally out of my control and I just did not know what to do. There may be an element of this with your DD.

She must do the clearing up, pay for repairs make her apologies to everyone involved. She will have ;earned her lesson.

If she is remorseful then forgive her.

I'm sure she will have learned so much from this. You set clear boundaries and when overstepped she has witnessed first hand that you were right.

My parents used to sweat the small stuff, my friends were all scared of my strict mum. If I lost the scissors (again) then I would get absolutely into trouble, but when bigger things happened, like this scenario, my mum was actually super calm and kind. I couldn't understand it at the time but it made me realise that they loved me unconditionally. Particularly when I made big mistakes.

Oh she knows. I am so so angry. Shes stayed well out of my way and she's very teary and hardly eating. I'm not used to this atmosphere in our house, on one hand I want to comfort her but on the other hand I want to throttle her. Just such a blatant disrespect for our home which is meant to be our safe place and something I have worked hard for and for all the things in it. I thought at 16 - a bloody adult in the eyes of the law - surely she could manage one night alone. It wasn't as if I was saying she must sit home alone without company, I was fair, said 3 friends could come over but she had to take the piss didn't she. So disappointing.

Well
If I’d left my 12 yr old dc home alone ,that’s exactly what I’d expect to come back to .
Once word gets out there is no parents at home ,they just all turn up.
She probably couldn’t get rid of them
You were being very naive to not expect this

@Mischance that is exactly what she is saying happened. And I believe that, she said it was her and her three friends initially then she invited her boyfriend and a couple of his friends then they invited more people and it got out of hand. Even so in that instance I wish she would have called her dad or went to our neighbour across the road who we are friends with who is a big burly man and would have absolutely no issue with getting them all out.

Oh 16 ,not 12-
Hummm
Yeah would still expect the place trashed ,so I still think you should of expected it

@RichmondMumof2 I do want to forgive her as she is very very remorseful and very embarrassed to be honest, especially with the neighbours. I think she feels she has let herself down just as much as me. I'm just angry just now but I suppose she knows she did wrong and that's half the battle.

OP. It's like she saved up her not-so-good behaviour, added a shit ton of interest and blew it all on the party. I can't imagine how angry and betrayed you must be feeling. If this was my daughter she'd be cleaning it all herself and paying for the damage. A prime example oh how teenagers think they are adults but haven't got the maturity to anticipate or deal with the consequences of their actions. How the hell did 3 turn into 30? I'm amazed no fines were issued for covid breaches. Hopefully she will learn from this. I'd be at a loss on things like the phone and grounded but perhaps until she's cleaned everything and paid for the damage depending on how reasonable that is for your circumstances.

In 30 years you might look laugh but my god I'd be beyond livid and I'm not sure how I'd resolve the trust issue. That's tricky so I hope someone else has some good advice.

I've been to parties at this age where things got out of hand and the 'host' just wasn't in control. With social media these days then word can easily get out.

I'd certainly make her take responsibility, apologise, clean up and pay for damages but then I think you need to forgive and let it go.

She will have learned from this. IMHO you staying angry, however justified, won't achieve anything positive it will just push her away.

Forgive her. Life is too short. Your punishments are just right as they are. Sorry about your home. It's shit and she knows it. Sounds like you can't punish her more than she is punishing herself.

If she is normally good I wouldnt be too harsh. She must be feeling awful if it just got out of hand. Pay for damages, accept a grounding and then that's done.

I can understand how upset you must be, but hopefully you and she will both learn a lesson from this experience. I would imagine she will be a lot more careful from now on, and I expect that you'll let her ease into adulthood (at 16 she still has two years before she's legally an adult) for example by letting her stay by herself for the first time on the understanding that there will be no friends allowed over.

Oh 16 ,not 12
Hummm
Yeah would still expect the place trashed ,so I still think you should of expected it

Eh? Plenty teenagers at 16 are left alone and trash their home

I'd be inclined to think she was naive here and maybe told a few too many people she was having a sleepover without parents, and wasn't able to fend off all the partygoers, as pp have said there's a tipping point after which as a 16 yr old you can't do much. Who called the police?

I think you've done all you need to. She is having to pay for the damage and having to clean up, and she knows she's upset you. She's apologised sincerely. She knows she's fucked up. What more do you need to feel satisfied?

Honestly to me it sounds that in your justifiable anger, you've become vindictive, and want her to experience more emotional suffering before you're willing to forgive her.

My mum reacted similarly to an offence of similar severity when I was about your daughter's age, and despite my many grovelling apologies she was openly angry with me for three days. In that time, all affection was just gone and she couldn't bear to look at me. It completely ruined my sense of security at home. We're on perfectly good terms now but it's forever tainted how I see her.

@Summersnake

Oh 16 ,not 12- Hummm Yeah would still expect the place trashed ,so I still think you should of expected it

What a ridiculous comment. Perhaps you and your kids have been brought up to behave like that but not everyone else's have.

She's sheepish, apologetic and remorseful.

I'd be raging, like you, but I also think things quickly spiralled beyond her control as more people arrived - not invited by her, by the sound of it, and because she's only 16 she had no idea how to handle it.

I'd agree to clean up/pay up, but she should be forgiven now. I wouldn't be leaving her home alone again for a while, however.

Your punishment is enough. If she wasnt sorry I would say you had a problem. But she is and she has learned a huge lesson. I would move on now to be honest.

My mum was (and to an extent still is) very good at holding a grudge so there would often be a lingering atmosphere in my house long after things were over and done with witch I absolutely hated as it meant walking on eggshells.

I've tried to adopt the mantra that I will completely lose my shit but the minute I've stopped losing my shit, it will be over with. The consequences will remain but there won't be an atmosphere. I think you've probably made your point and as long as she is going to make good the damage then you've done all you need to do.

@CoalCraft I can see how it might come across like that, but I'm honestly not trying to be vindictive. I am still speaking to her and telling her that I love her but do feel let down but that I'll get past it. I don't want to make her suffer anymore than she needs to but I came her for advice as I also didn't want to be letting her off with too little consequences causing other problems. I've never had to deal with anything like this before so want to handle it correctly.

Personally, I think the consequences you’ve laid out are sufficient. From what you’ve said she’s remorseful and accepted her responsibility in it.
I’d move more onto discussing how she feels about it, what she’s learnt from it, what she’d do differently with the knowledge she has now, etc.
Staying angry, IMO, is counterproductive if you want her to understand how to move forward and make better choices in the future.
We all fuck up at times, sometimes monumentally, but we need to learn how we can find resolutions/solutions rather than staying stuck in the ’punishment’.

Oh god I really feel for you. You must be so upset and disappointed. I’d be absolutely livid. I have no idea what my punishment would be but it would be harsh!

@Summersnake - seriously why should you expect it!? My daughter wouldn’t dare do anything like that. She knows how bad the punishment would be.