To ask how to deal with my daughters out of character behaviour? What consequences should I give her?

[hardtimescomeagainnomore]

I'm a single mum to a 12 year old boy and 16 year old girl, however, there dad is very much in the picture and involved, I'm glad to have him.

My son had a competition on Saturday in Scotland (we are in England) so I left my daughter in the house overnight for the first time. This was her chance to prove that she could be responsible alone in the house and I truly trusted her. She is a good girl, she does well in school, has a nice small group of friends, we have a very open and honest (so I thought) relationship. I think I'm a pretty relaxed parent to be honest, and it's always worked for us.

So we set off early Saturday morning, I had told her she could have maximum 3 of her friends over for some food (and I'm not naive, I knew there would probably be a bit of drinking happening). We kept in touch via text all day and everything was fine.

2 am I get a call from the police that they are at the house. I call her dad who immediately goes over to the house. He calls me and basically she had a party with 30+ teenagers in my house and making a racket outside in the garden smoking and drinking which caused the neighbours to call the police. Additionally 3 of my neighbours wing mirrors were kicked off by one of the boys at the party.

I came home Sunday and the state of my house made me cry, there was alcohol all over my bed sheet, every bed in the house was unmade like people had been in it including her little brothers. Cigarette burns in the sofa and carpet, drink spilt everywhere, it's stinking and I'm just so so upset

Daughter is very sheepish and apologetic and says it was a party that got out of hand but the trust is now gone. I have told her she will have to go to the neighbours doors individually tomorrow and apologise as well as money will be taken from her savings to pay to fix the wing mirrors. Both of which she has agreed to.

However, other than that I'm not sure how else to deal with it. Her dad thinks I should go easy on her as she is such a good girl and really, this is the only shit she's ever given us. On top of that her dad says the fact she is so remorseful shows she's learned her lesson.

I just don't agree, I don't know what to do but I am so disappointed in her, the trust is gone. How will I ever know when to trust her in the house alone again? I really don't know what the correct consequences for these types of things are, take her phone off her? Ground her? I just don't know.

Can anyone help?

Tell Daddy dearest if he's so in favor of letting her off easy then he can pony up the money for replacing all the bed linens,carpeting and sofa. I'd take her to the carpeting and furniture stores and let her get an idea of the prices on them and she had to use her $ to cover it. Take her to purchase bed linens also. All this is going to cost a very pretty penny-I would be furious. You have her an inch and she took a mile.

@Ginger1982 I like that mantra, thank you.

I'm going to go to her room shortly and tell her that the consequences stand but that we will now draw a line under it and move forward now. Thank you for everyone's input. It's been more than helpful.

id be furious too, i would make her clean everything, replace all your damaged stuff out of her money, same with the cars.

going easy is not an option at 16, she will just do it again and think you gave her an easy ride.

little madam!

[quote hardtimescomeagainnomore]@CoalCraft I can see how it might come across like that, but I'm honestly not trying to be vindictive. I am still speaking to her and telling her that I love her but do feel let down but that I'll get past it. I don't want to make her suffer anymore than she needs to but I came her for advice as I also didn't want to be letting her off with too little consequences causing other problems. I've never had to deal with anything like this before so want to handle it correctly. [/quote]
Honestly, I think you've done all the right things in making her take responsibility.

She probably just needs a hug from her mum now to reassure her.

You say shes generally a good kid. She made a mistake and a situation got out of hand and it was more than she could deal with. I doubt she personally burned sofas or kicked in wing mirrors. It was probably a very scary experience for her. You say she is remorseful and is willing to do what she needs to to make amends. She also knows she needs to rebuild your trust. She can't do more than that. Forgive her. Holding a grudge will only ruin your relationship. She needs to know she can make mistakes - even big ones - and you will forgive her and move on.

I've been there. My stepson lived with us and we debated long and hard about leaving him at home one year when we went away for a week. So sure enough big party, lots of damage, broke my son's cot, stole my husband's rail pass, ripped a painting, broke a window and smashed our neighbour's windscreen.
I came home first and he said it had got out of control and all these kids showed up. Which I certainly believe. He was so upset he told his teacher on the Monday.
To be honest I can't remember what punishment he had. But he never ever did anything like that again.
Teenage brains aren't fully developed. They really cannot always see the consequences of what they do. They think things will be fine, and are almost stupidly shocked and amazed when things take a turn.
You've told her to apologise, clean up and pay for the damage. She knows she did wrong, she knows you are disappointed. She knows you will not trust her on her own for some time.
Now you be the adult and forgive her, tell her you love her, and let go of your anger.

She has the natural consequences of her actions, the broken trust, the paying money back for damages, etc. I think this is enough.

I’d be livid but I wouldn’t make her pay for damage she didn’t cause. Wing mirrors? If you know she didn’t break them, why is she paying for them? Very odd! Make her clean up and pay for the other damage but there’s no need to go over the top and be so punitive.

Honestly it sounds like it was gatecrashed and it got out of control. I’d make her clean up and pay for anything that’s damaged but then I’d drop it. If she is a good girl usually then you don’t want to do anything to affect that.

I think it's great that's she's remorseful. I wouldn't take her phone. I'd just let her rectify it- cleaning up/paying for damage. You've done well so far but don't over-play it. If someone is sorry you need to let it go.

@Lettuceforlunch

I’d be livid but I wouldn’t make her pay for damage she didn’t cause. Wing mirrors? If you know she didn’t break them, why is she paying for them? Very odd! Make her clean up and pay for the other damage but there’s no need to go over the top and be so punitive.

True

Oh, I feel for your daughter because if what others are saying is the case, I have every sympathy. I was a really good kid. Mum and stepdad trusted me snd my friends completely and went out for a meal, leaving us to celebrate my 16th. They even made food for us.
This was years before SM but within a couple of hours, dozens of much older people I didn’t know began turning up snd it got seriously out of hand and the police were called.
Thankfully, my parents understood.
My birthday presents were all stolen 🥺

Honestly, I think you've done all the right things in making her take responsibility.

She probably just needs a hug from her mum now to reassure her.

Completely agree.
Her conscious and embarrassment is probably more of a punishment then anything you can do.

[quote hardtimescomeagainnomore]@Mischance that is exactly what she is saying happened. And I believe that, she said it was her and her three friends initially then she invited her boyfriend and a couple of his friends then they invited more people and it got out of hand. Even so in that instance I wish she would have called her dad or went to our neighbour across the road who we are friends with who is a big burly man and would have absolutely no issue with getting them all out. [/quote]
I know you’re mad and upset and disappointed and all of the emotions but I would try to focus on this - she invited her boyfriend and his mates (breaking the rule of 3) who then invited more and it got out of hand. Why didn’t she ask for help? Why didn’t she get her boyfriend and friends to stick up for her if she thought it was getting out of hand? Is her boyfriend a good one - or does she feel pressured to please him/look cool etc?

The damage is done, she’s going to have to live with the consequences but what has she learned from this? Will she stand up for herself in saying No if she’s put in a position like this again?

I think it’s unfair to say she was “taking the piss” but you’re right that it was the initial breaking of the rule of 3 to include her boyfriend that led to the rest.

Do you think she’d do it again? If not then I think the natural consequences of losing money and having to be embarrassed in front of the neighbours is probably enough.

Personally, though, I’d want an apology from her boyfriend too. If it was his mates that escalated it, and he didn’t stand up for your DD, I’d be seriously unimpressed with him as much as her.

She’s learnt her lesson, she’s sorry and she won’t do it again. What would further punishment actually achieve?

This was me at 16, still my most shameful memory! I was so good normally and the party just got out of hand, it was so awful! Still feel guilty 24 years later!

I think you should have a planned conversation about it to reflect on the learning and then leave it at that...

So, say look, I know there's an atmosphere, now that thinness have died down we need to talk about what happened so we can both make sure nothing like that ever happens again

So, talk about learning points and how these will be useful in life eg

Things get out of hand
others cab act in ways you can't control
Things can get physically damaged
You can damage relationships with friends/neighbors/family etc.
Police have better things to do
She must feel guilty/angry with herself to an extent

But also good things...

You're pleased she's reflected
It's taken guts to go to the neighbors to apologise
She's got stuck in with clearing up
She's probably had an early lesson in not taking belongings and your home for granted
She's tested you but you'll work with her to get over it
She knows now to seek help at an early stage if anything's getting out of hand

maybe admit it's been difficult for you to know how to deal with it
Say you will probably laugh about it in future but not yet... Probably in years
Say to her that this is what adulthood is like sometimes... Reflect with her that with the freedom of adulthood comes choices and things not going to plan sometimes and you always have to balance living in the moment vs possible consequences

Then give her a big hug and allow her to carry on as normal and rebuild the trust.

Maybe check in in a fortnight to see how she feeling then say at that point how you feel about her efforts.

Maybe include her dad in this whole conversation if you can manage it... Tough love and it would be good for her to see your mutual support.

Teenage brains aren't fully developed. They really cannot always see the consequences of what they do. They think things will be fine, and are almost stupidly shocked and amazed when things take a turn.

As a veteran of a few parties that got out of hand. This. In spades. As an adult it seemed blindingly obvious what would happen. To teens, honestly we’d have been less shocked if a spaceship landed on the lawn.

@RockPainting very helpful, thank you.

Probably not useful now but before you go away again invest in a ring doorbell or some cheap cctv
All my kids friends parents have them so that shit like this can be jumped on
straight away

Thank you, good luck. Youre a good mum I'm sure!

Give her a break. She obviously feels bad enough and I think what you've already suggested is punishment enough. There really is no gain in dragging it out and making her (and you) feel worse. Forgive her. Tomorrow isn't promised!

I'd probably talk through with her what some of the solutions might have been if she felt it was getting out of hand (ie phone her dad, get the neighbour) and reiterate that if she ever feels in an out of control situation again she should immediately try to seek help.

I'd chat through with her how she feels about what her boyfriend did and whether he/his friends feel remorseful about their role in it. To be honest if he was responsible for all the strangers coming I'd be struggling to let him back in the house without some serious sucking up.

I'd also cut right back on trusting her for a bit, so pick her up from a friend's rather than let her stay over, not let her go into town for a bit etc.

This is really a worst nightmare as your home is absolutely private and sacred but I do remember this type of party from when I was a teen and you just don't think that way.

Probably not useful now but before you go away again invest in a ring doorbell or some cheap cctv
All my kids friends parents have them so that shit like this can be jumped on
straight away

Any half-savvy teenager would figure out a way round a ring doorbell!

I remember two parties as a teen that I had to miss for various reasons. Was gutted at the time but by god the day after I was relieved to be no where near them. Both times someone advertised them on Facebook and loads of random people turned up. One had their banister removed! Carpets needed to be replaced, windows broken. I don't know how I would handle it op but I know I wouldn't be 'taking it easy'.