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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this a bit odd and slightly intrusive

61 replies

bagpuss90 · 24/05/2021 17:09

My sister was adopted - I don’t see much of her as she moved miles away from where I live .We are still in touch though. I’ve never mentioned her being adopted to my partner . Not for any reason -it just never came up. Anyway he went delving into my family history online (I’m quite into it myself) and he queried why he couldn’t find her birth record. She was given a different name when my parents adopted her at a few weeks old.
Is it me or is it slightly odd to look this up? I’d not got stuck with anything on there or said I needed help.
Partner and I have been together three years but we don’t live together. Perhaps I’m being a bit paranoid - thoughts please

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 24/05/2021 18:44

Does your sister look very different from you and your parents?
Could he have been curious that you didn’t have the same parents (not necessarily adoption, but an affair?) and didn’t want to ask you something to be like that - so decided to look at her records in case it ruled it out? (adoption rather than affair)

I actually totally understand nosy ☺️ But I don’t understand not asking you - hence my clutching at straws explanation.

Presumably you haven’t already just told him it feels intrusive, and asked him why?

SteveArnottsCodeine · 24/05/2021 18:45

@Aquamarine1029

I think it's very weird you've been with him for 3 years and never mentioned that your sister is adopted.

This.

thelongwayhome · 24/05/2021 18:46

Mentioning your sibling was adopted is about as important as informing your partner that your sibling was conceived via IVF and born vaginally with forceps and your mum had to have stitches etc. etc.
People get so weird over adoption, she's OP's sister it doesn't matter how she became her sister.

Hotcuppatea · 24/05/2021 18:47

@GreyhoundG1rl I can't imagine not mentioning it to a long term partner. It isn't a shameful secret. It's just part of the family story. And mentioning that your sister is adopted is quite different to revealing private details about the backstop and how they came to be adopted.

My point is that if my husband started researching my family tree, I'd be interested in what he found out, not offended. The reason the OP feels differently is probably something to do with why she's never mentioned that her sister is adopted. Hence why I asked if she was always quite private.

Hotcuppatea · 24/05/2021 18:47

Not backstop. Backstory

Autocorrect fail.

AlexCabot · 24/05/2021 18:56

@Hotcuppatea

I'm more intrigued by the fact that you've never mentioned that your sister is adopted. Maybe you find his enquiry intrusive for the same reason you've never mentioned it. Are you always very private?

My brother had been seeing his then girlfriend, now wife for years before my adoption came up. It truly wasn't relevant. I am as much his sister as I would be if we shared DNA.

IEat · 24/05/2021 18:59

He’s doing tour family tree, personally I don’t see it as intrusive if I were him I’d be intrigued

Hotcuppatea · 24/05/2021 19:00

@AlexCabot I'm certainly not implying otherwise.

MyNameIsElizaDay · 24/05/2021 19:11

Surely the fact The Sister was adopted is The Sisters business to tell?
As an adopted person, I feel it is no ones business but my own and my adoptive parents.
As mentioned by a PP people get to asking really intrusive questions once they know!
Hoping for scandal or a misery story.

JustLyra · 24/05/2021 19:16

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t mention it when you knew he was doing the family tree.

Siepie · 24/05/2021 19:22

@SparklyLeprechaun

You knew he was researching your family history, and you were OK with it, right? In that case I wouldn't find it strange that he was asking about your sister's birth certificate, it's just an oddity he's come across and he was curious why.

On the other hand, if he started researching your family history off his own bat, without your knowledge, I would find that creepy.

This is an important distinction.

Was this something you were doing together if you're both interested in it?

Or was he tracing your family history without letting you know?

3scape · 24/05/2021 19:22

Did he tell you or discuss with you he was going to look at your family genealogy first or did he just dive right in?
I had someone I'd dated twice asking me if I knew my aunt was on a genealogy site doing my family tree. I noped right out of dating him. But you've been together longer, if it's something he does and find interesting his curiosity isn't sinister. But I'd expect him to discuss it.

Original poster

bagpuss90 · 24/05/2021 19:30

SparklyLeprechaun - no I didn’t know

OP posts:

Ostara212 · 24/05/2021 19:43

@bagpuss90

SparklyLeprechaun - no I didn’t know

I thought that was clear from your OP That's the worst bit, he just approached you with a casual "I've been doing this" and told you something you might not have known.

donquixotedelamancha · 24/05/2021 19:47

How has it not come up in conversations about your childhood etc?

It's not her information to share- it's her sister's. Personally, given she was adopted as a baby, I can't see how it would come up.

no I didn’t know

Yep, that's weird and intrusive. Some people just don't think but he needs telling.

Original poster

bagpuss90 · 24/05/2021 20:31

3scape Just dived in

OP posts:

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 24/05/2021 20:34

@SparklyLeprechaun

On the other hand, if he started researching your family history off his own bat, without your knowledge, I would find that creepy.

This. The context is all. If you were fine with him researching your family history, there is nothing weird about him looking up your DSis. If you weren't ok with his research, it's super-creepy.

motogogo · 24/05/2021 20:36

Seems odd you haven't mentioned it

Fros · 24/05/2021 20:38

I would probably find it invasive, but to play devil's advocate: a friends partner got into genealogy, after getting a bit stalled with his own family history, he researched her history too and drew up a fabulous family tree for their DC (hp fan, mock family tapestry)

1Morewineplease · 24/05/2021 20:50

Maybe he's suspicious?
I've spent time on a family tracing website... bloody wish I hadn't!

PinkSatinMoon · 24/05/2021 20:52

Why do people believe is it anybody's business that OP's sister was adopted.

It's really NOT.

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/05/2021 20:52

@1Morewineplease

Maybe he's suspicious? I've spent time on a family tracing website... bloody wish I hadn't!

Suspicious of what?

Ostara212 · 24/05/2021 21:09

@1Morewineplease

Maybe he's suspicious? I've spent time on a family tracing website... bloody wish I hadn't!

Suspicious of what?

If my BF thought he saw someone casing the joint, yes, please tell me. If he is "suspicious" that someone described as a family member might not be a blood relative, I'd consider that none of his business.

Dontbeme · 24/05/2021 21:22

@motogogo

Seems odd you haven't mentioned it

Why? It's up to the OP sister who she shares her personal business with. Do you know how many kids are placed for adoption as their biological family were physically or sexually abusive? Should he know why she was placed for adoption? Just how much information should he be given and how would he deal with it? From his actions of researching someone else's family without being asked to or even speaking to the person involved I doubt he could be trusted with sensitive information, he's just a nosy nosy bastard.

partyatthepalace · 24/05/2021 21:27

You said ‘I’m quite into it myself’ so unless there are any other red flags - if he likes doing genealogy, I’d just assume he was trying to be helpful. It’s quite an addictive hobby.

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