To not get them present/ card?

[Capricorn8990]

I'm always one for getting friends cards/ birthday present. Last year I got my friends vouchers sent via email.

This year, 2 of them didn't get me a present which I am not fussed about, but they never even sent a card.

My partner says not to bother getting them a present let alone a card now.. I said I don't give to receive (presents) but cards don't cost much and the sentiment is meaningful.

AIBU to not get them a present and/ or card?

For context my mum gives, gives, gives and rarely gets acknowledged by "family" and I always harp on to her not to bother.. maybe I should listen to my own advice

Definitely don't.

My birthday is the first in the year of my my friends (well its the first day of the year anyway!). I won't get cards or presents for anyone who doesn't get something for me.

I bought tickets for a postponed gig for my friend for her birthday last year. She didn't get me anything this year as I hadn't got her anything . Luckily I have the tickets so I'm going to rebook something nice for my mum instead.

Definitely stop sending them cards and presents. Concentrate on those who reciprocate.

I've learned my lesson this year too.
Bought a gift bag full of nice things for a 'friend' this year and sent WhatsApp messages wishing her a Happy Birthday and generally made a fuss.
My Birthday was 4 weeks later and I didn't even get wished a Happy Birthday.
( She definitely knew it was my Birthday and couldn't fail to see my Birthday cards in my window when she called at my front door for an unrelated reason).
I will never acknowledge her Birthday again.

They might not be able to afford it and feel awkward when you give them gifts so I'd definitely stop.

@ThatIsMyPotato they can afford a card, they both have full time jobs and go out regularly

@Spied I'm so sorry! That sounds horrible. Seems like they may be quite toxic

@HunterHearstHelmsley I'm like you! January is my birthday and usually I have to plan things way in advance so people have money after Christmas to come out for a couple of drinks.

Glad that you didn't give them to her!

@mainsfed I will just send a card I think 🤔

You can get a set of really cheap cards in Card factory. Just keep a load in the boot with a pen.
That way you can go and write one if needs be.

Well, last year was groundhog day. It was pretty hard to know what day of the week it was let alone the date. As cards are important to you, you could send cards only this year and give them another chance.

Or, maybe they would rather just stop doing cards and presents. Personally I hate it when people start giving me presents, and then I'm obliged to give them things too. Cards seem a pointless faff and waste too. It's not that I don't like my friends, I just don't think it's important whether they remember my birthday or not.

@Whythesadface yep that's what I do - handy as you've always got something there

@HunterHearstHelmsley

Definitely don't.

My birthday is the first in the year of my my friends (well its the first day of the year anyway!). I won't get cards or presents for anyone who doesn't get something for me.

I bought tickets for a postponed gig for my friend for her birthday last year. She didn't get me anything this year as I hadn't got her anything . Luckily I have the tickets so I'm going to rebook something nice for my mum instead.

Erm, if she doesn't have the tickets then arguably you didn't give them to her!

@Singalongasong maybe I should ask them.

One of them said sorry for not getting me a card as her pet had died.

I don't do cards or presents for any adults who are not family, except for milestone birthdays if they are celebrating it as such. I text or call on the day, that's enough.

Don't send anything. Maybe it's their way of trying to stop exchanging gifts. I don't send friends cards or gifts and don't get any. It's enough to keep up with family birthdays.

I always try to be quite casual and not care too much about cards/gifts. My friends are at liberty to get me something, or not, or send a card, or not- I'm delighted and pleased each time, but would not actively expect anything unless I invited them explicitly to a "birthday meal" or something. I also hope they are equally relaxed. I might send a card one year, forget the next if it's a busy time, send an Xmas present, then bring a birthday one, then forget the next, etc etc. As long as it broadly evens out in the long run.

I had one friend who would send me pas ag birthday cards referring in the message to the fact I'd 'forgotten' her birthday. From my point of view I didn't see her as a person in that sort of inner circle of people you buy gifts for - but she obviously wanted to be and I'm afraid to say it made me feel like never getting her anything. I hate the idea that gifts are a reciprocal constraint. But I love getting people random gifts.

I'm terrible with this. Some years I will buy gifts other years I don't, usually depending on if I will see them. All my friends are the same.

I will also see something a friend might like and buy it for them no matter when their birthday is.

I rarely send cards for anything. I've never seen the point in cards.

If I buy a gift for a friend it's because I want to buy a gift for a friend. I couldn't care less if they return one.

Buy them stuff and send a card if you want to. Stop doing it if you don't want to. But if you are doing so in order to put an obligation on them, it's the wrong thing to do.

I love giving gifts. But I don’t expect everyone to be the same - I have friends who always reciprocate, some who don’t, and some who do so at random! It’s never bothered me as they’re friends for lots of non present related reasons. A small gift is just my way of showing I’m thinking of them and appreciate them. If you don’t feel your friends appreciate or have time for you in other respects then it might be time to rethink more than the gift buying.

Don't feel obliged to send a card or gift but if you remember someone's birthday, do send a card. It's quite normal for people to forget birthdays unless they are on a notable date, eg Christmas Eve, it's nothing personal. Some people are very good at remembering dates or even writing them in their diaries, you are obviously one of those and in years to come, your friends will remember how thoughtful you always were on their birthdays (& wish they had been more so).

I'm pretty good at birthdays but I have been known to forget occasionally. It just happens.

Don't buy a gift though, unless it is a milestone birthday. It won't be expected.

Texts and calls are fine. Maybe they're wanting the cards and gift-giving. They should just tell you though.

I don’t see the point in cards. Seems so old-fashioned.

There's some very bitter people on here!!! Giving isn't about receiving back in return. If you don't want to send them something don't.

I'd let their behaviour guide yours, unless you really want to send them a card for your own sake, because you like doing it. It could be that they don't want to exchange cards or gifts, or those things aren't as meaningful or important to them as they are to you. Unless you enjoy doing it for yourself, there's no need to buy gifts or cards for them.

Personally, I'm happy to have fewer people to shop for, because I feel so much pressure to find something they'll like, don't already own, is the "correct" price, etc. and no-one I know sends cards without gifts. We just call or text.

I think people really vary on their feelings about birthdays, so it might be a good idea to consider it from other possible points of view.

Personally, I am at my comfort spot in only celebrating them with my husband and kids.

So it feels almost like an imposition to me when someone else gives me a gift or even a card because I really just don't want to bother with all that. It does not have great meaning to me, it's just one more thing I have to remember to do. And if someone wants me to take on any type of obligation, they should consult me, not just start doing it and assume that's what we need to do. And even if they don't say anything about it being reciprocated, I feel put in an uncomfortable position.

So I'd definitely suggest not giving birthday cards to those who didn't reciprocate. They're communicating in the only polite way possible, that they don't want to do that system. (But that does not mean they don't like you).