To feel like becoming obese has ruined my life.

[Heart201020]

I know it sounds dramatic but my quality of life is so bad now. I’m really ashamed of what I have done to myself I don’t like socialising or meeting people anymore because I feel so self conscious, hardly any of my clothes fit, and I feel so unhealthy. I can’t even walk long distances without getting completely tired and out of breath.

I gained a huge amount of weight last year, I had a serious (life threatening) health problem which required an operation, and had a horrible episode of depression. I comfort ate and binge ate.

I really want to turn things around but I’m struggling. I’m in therapy for the depression and trying to do all the ‘right’ things, but I have such a large amount of weight to lose, it feels impossible. I also went through a break up during the first lockdown, I would love to meet someone new but my weight is holding me back from this too.

Can anyone advise how I get started, and stop the self defeating attitude?

There are many here who have done it. The only thing I would say is that the problem for you is probably your relationship with food - for example using food for comfort. If you can sort that out then the weight may follow. Can your therapy/therapist help you with this?

Buy some clothes that fit you now; don’t wait to lose weight to have some clothes you feel comfortable in

See your friends; they love you for who you are not what you weigh

You need to set yourself some realistic targets. You need to not panic if you dont meet those targets - if youve made progress then great.
You need to some research about what plan will best suit your needs.
Research what help there is available in your local area.
As a pp said youll need some help untangling issues around food.
Perhaps find a buddy or someone to be accountable to.

Talk to your doctor and therapist about whether Intermittent fasting would be a good option for you

I have seen it have an incredible effect on people, both in terms of their physical and mental health, but needs medical consultation before you try!

My advice is this

1. Stop beating yourself up about this immediately! It's done now and it's time to move on

1. Take one day at a time. Forget long term goals. Forget targets. Except for achieving a healthy eating pattern each day. Lay in bed tonight and feel proud that you did it and do that every day.

1. Calorie count. Forget all the diet bullshit. The simplest way (and it took me years to realise this) is to use this calculator www.jamessmithacademy.com/macro-calculator/ and make sure you eat your allowance and make sure its food you love... trust me it will feel like a lot of food.

1. You can do this!

There is a weight loss chat where you can find great supportive threads and many different ways to lose. I recommend you move there rather than AIBU. Lots of lovely posters and continuous threads going on there

First of all, I think you’re being incredibly hard on yourself. You’ve had an absolutely rotten time of it and you’ve got through it the best you could. You’re alive and, things might not be ideal, but you’re doing something about it. Stop concentrating on all the stuff that you feel is wrong with you and recognise just how much you’ve achieved to be where you are now.

I also think that if you take it half a stone at a time, you’ll find it’s a far more achievable target. Don’t think beyond those 7lb until you get there. You might feel like you’ve got a mountain to climb, but you’re not going to do it by running full pelt at it. Slow, steady and sensible is the way to go 💐

Oh, and very much agree with SourLemons about the calorie counting.

Buy some clothes that fit you now for a start. Nice ones too. Keep working on the therapy, counseling, treatment etc. First off you need to accept losing weight will not fix the problems in your life. If you are miserable fat you will be miserable thin.

I felt like you, completely overwhelmed by how much I needed to lose and what I needed to do to lose it. I started doing a VLCD total food replacement. It sounds drastic, but for me it is actually easier than stuff like SW and WW. I don't need to think about food or rules or points or syns. Taking all food away has forced me to address my issues with food, why I am reaching for food to cheer me up etc. I also actually lose weight at a decent rate instead of a farty little pound a week. Which is a huge mental boost. I felt physically and mentally better after losing a stone which was 4 weeks in.

I also wanted to say, I am focusing on one thing at a time. So for now I am on the VLCD to lose weight. Then I will focus on re feeding and healthy eating. Then I will focus on exercise. Trying to do everything all at once was absolutely mentally exhausting for me.

I hear you OP. Got myself into a similar place over last year . Walking has changed my mental and physical health. I started going for a little walk in my lunch break every day. Started with 15 mins and then 20. Getting outside, doing something for myself, and being in control Of something I can manage has made a huge difference. On the days I walk I eat less, drink more water, just look after myself better overall.
Make a small change for yourself OP. Try to get out of doors. Small steps to get you started. Good luck!

First off start by moving - don't worry about gyms and lifting - get up and walk. Add loops and do as much as you can - walking will help lift your mood and keep you moving and it is easiest to incorporate into daily life.
Don't beat yourself up about not being active enough - better to do than to think and not do.

Set mini targets, and not one massive one. Now that I'm back at work and in a routine I'm restarting, I probably have about 7 stones to lose.

My first target is that I have a wedding to go to mid October so I'm aiming to lose about 2 stones by then. After that, I'd like another stone by the end of the year. Then I have another wedding in April so I'd like 2 stones by then.

I also give myself little treats for every half stone I lose which are going to make me feel good - a facial, a nice bag etc. Not clothes or food related.

I do SW (no comments please, it works for me) and plan things out. For example, if I'm going for a meal then I'll check the menu online beforehand so I know what I'm going to order BUT as I'm only (non covid) out for a meal every few months I'll happily have a dessert and not care.

The hardest thing is getting started. Try doing a few changes in one day - smaller portion sizes, go on a walk, etc. Get healthy food in your house. There's nothing like just doing it!

I recently got a fitbit and that's quite helpful to see what burns calories ie being on your feet, walking... it doesn't need to be planks and pushups.

I agree about mini targets.

You could aim for 5 or 10 percent of the weight then go on maintenance calories for a few weeks or months. You'll still be in a better place health wise and it's far less daunting. You can take a similar approach with exercise - don't kill yourself over it, just take it in gradual stages and figure out what you like/don't like on the way. My motivation to walk is nature, seeing all the changes over the seasons, and now I have got out of the obese category I'm not tiring as fast and my feet don't hurt as much so I can go a bit further. I've also noticed that my mood is usually better on a walking day.

Just a tip, when you do well, treat yourself.
But NOT with food. Find some little things. Like "when I lose 5 kg, I will get myself nice candle/small plant/fun earrings". Rewards are great way to keep positive, but they must not be food.

Stop beating yourself up, OP
Set targets that are realistic for you. I'm a runner and do intermittent fasting with calorie counting. It works for me as I get to enjoy good food, the exercise makes me feel good and I'm slowly working my way down to my goal weight.
You will hear all sorts of things that are meant to be the perfect solution but the reality is that these things take time. If you break it down to a goal of losing 5lbs, then a bit more and a bit more, this is very realistic and will have you feeling good that you are achieving them.
And I echo PP-go get yourself some nice clothes now! Be kind to yourself and let the changes you make come from a place of love rather than hate xx

I was overweight/obese all my 30s with a serious health condition. Had life changing surgery 5 years ago. I could then walk and got about a stone off - walking great as you can build up distance and pace and great for mood. I then got to a healthy bmi in 8 months lost 5 stone on SlimmingWorld. I know it gets knocked but for me it worked. I enjoy group and have made friends. Plan is what you make it I don’t eat stuff like mug shots and muller lights. I focus on healthy food so choosing whole grain options, lots of lean protein and veg. I felt better immediately for eating this way and it spurs you on. I enjoy cooking and like the pinch of nom books and like the new slimming foodie recipe book. Have maintained a healthy bmi for almost 2 years. My Instagram keeps me motivated and I get lots of ideas on there.

Yes I have none food treats - nails done, facial etc. Food treats too love fresh raspberries and smoked salmon but didn’t buy much before as they were expensive.

You need to be nicer to yourself!
You deserve to feel good. And you can.
Focus on what you CAN DO. I’ve put on lots of weight. I’m having a lovely salad for lunch. What can you enjoy? Focus on what you do eat. Move a little more.
Treat yourself. Not food. But other ways.
Good luck OP.

Well first of all you don't need to be ashamed! You haven't killed anyone!
So many of us can relate to your post- but you've only put on weight, you haven't turned to crime, had an affair, neglected a puppy! Stop feeling guilty and ashamed. Like others have said, buy yourself clothes that fit first of all, then you'll feel more normal, hold your head up high, then you can start moving forward in small steps. Good luck

I’m obese. I don’t like it. But I’m not letting it stop me from living.

I buy nice clothes, expensive skincare and makeup, see my friends and act like a person worthy of love and attention because I am, fat or otherwise.

You haven’t ruined your life. Get healthier, lose the weight, but don’t put everything on pause until you do.

I have recently done 800 calories for 12 weeks and it was so so hard, I am still very over weight however have gone down 2 dress sizes and it has definitely helped with my relationship with food. It has helped reset and I can now acknowledge when I am eating for comfort and I now have tools to deal with it much better. I also swim, I am slow but I go 3 times a week and it has been so good. You need to make a decision to confront your eating, then do it slowly and take heart in the small triumphs. I put on a bra recently that had never fit and it did up and I was delighted! I now eat very few carbs and I really do not miss them. Take it slowly and you can make changes, the first place to start is your mental health and then food.

Can you afford to see a dietician? If you find one you get on well with it could make all the difference- someone who can help you develop a healthy relationship with food in the long term. Qualified dieticians have a lot more training than nutritionists.

Firstly, take the pressure off. You've been ill.

Secondly, learn to love yourself a little bit, if your weight is your overriding issue that you obsess about, every bit of food you eat is going to trigger an emotional reaction and then you're in a tough cycle of your emotions being managed by food.

Secondly, find the beauty in yourself! It sounds cheesy as fuck, but style your hair, if you have any spare cash, go shopping and try something you feel good in (search online for how to shop for your new shape). You cannot hate yourself just because you're fat. You just can't. Your body will not change overnight, do you want to hate yourself that whole time? It won't help anything.

Lastly, gentle exercise if you can along with some calorie counting. Don't beat yourself up on the days you won't stick to it. But each day, aim for lower calories and you'll see it slowly come off.

You're more than your weight.