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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I over reacting?

36 replies

namechangechangechange · 23/05/2021 21:55

So I have always been saved in my husband's phone as 'myname :))))'. That's how he had me saved.

Tonight, I saw on his phone (we were looking at it together) as 'myname :((('. I asked why there are sad faces after my name and he says it is because since our second child was born 4 months ago I have been sending him messages etc and they have all been miserable. I have really
been struggling as have been completely on my own at home with a newborn and a toddler, no support or help, in a country that is not my own, struggling to breastfeed and severely sleep deprived. He said he changed it when I messaged him at work and the messages were more negative than positive. So my name has been different in his phone for the last few months I guess.

When he told me this I got teary as I don't know why someone who is supposed to care about you would go to the trouble of editing your name? He thinks I am being dramatic and trying to create a fight by having a problem with this. He said that I have no idea how I made him feel when I was messaging like that, how bad it made life for him. He has stormed off now. I am sitting here feeling so genuinely hurt.

I just feel that when I was most vulnerable, after having a terrible 4 day stay in the hospital and then being on my own with the two kids straight away, he labelled me.

Also, I wasn't messaging him non-stop negative things, if I asked how my day/morning was I was honest. The first day I was on my own with the two kids and my newborn (5 days old), wouldn't stop crying, I sent him a video of me holding him and him crying. I guess I just wanted to share how hard it was, maybe to not feel so alone? To get some words of support, I don't know? But certainly not all my messages have been negative..

Am I the unreasonable one for reacting the way that I did tonight?

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangechangechange · 23/05/2021 22:02

I just went back and read through the messages I sent and they were really mostly positive, so I asked him? And he said it wasn't the messages, it was when I would call him and sometimes I would cry because I was feeling so overwhelmed with everything. So he changed my name in his phone.

He said that I am reacting like this because I want to create a fight. He said it was as simple as his wife is sad so he put sad faces next to my name. When he had a happy wife he had smiley faces next to my name.

OP posts:
Purpleweeks · 23/05/2021 22:26

It is quite an unusual thing to do and it doesn't sound like he is giving you much support.

Lovefodder · 23/05/2021 22:26

It seems (at least from your perspective) He put more effort into changing your name on his phone than he did being a supportive husband and father - his wife was sad and instead of doing/ saying something to support he changed his phone status? can he not see the problem with that? Change is name to end in a suitable emoji on your phone...

StopSayingDueDiligence · 23/05/2021 22:29

Is he 12?

Mumof1andacat · 23/05/2021 22:30

Sending a video of the baby crying was to prove what? I imagine he was working? What was he to do if he was? He needs to work.Did he take paternity leave?

mainsfed · 23/05/2021 22:31

YANBU, what a dick!

Change his name to ‘hisname ✊⚓️((‘

Nbahen · 23/05/2021 22:33

This would really upset me too OP

Original poster
namechangechangechange · 23/05/2021 22:34

He took no paternity leave as in his line of work he couldn't. It's just not a thing. He works really long hours, was working 6 days a week, often from 6am to 7pm. I would also never have a definite time that he would be home, it could change everyday and I wouldn't know when to expect him exactly.

I guess I sent him that video (just a short clip), to show how crazy thing were at home. I wanted to share it with someone and he is my person. The same way people share photos of poonamis etc? Also, I was only 5 days pp, and looking back I think I had a touch of post partum depression....I really wasn't coping well at all.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 23/05/2021 22:35

He's passive aggressive and childish. He did that for you to see, otherwise why bother? That's manipulative and it worries me.

It also worries me that when you are clearly struggling, he criticises you for talking about it rather than trying to help.

Totallyrandomname · 23/05/2021 22:37

I find it really odd that he has an emoji next to your name that he went to the effort to change to reflect a change in how you are.

Given he noticed you were down and struggling did he do anything? Anything other than change an emoji? That’s the really issue!

Original poster
namechangechangechange · 23/05/2021 22:39

He said that I should change my name to 'myname bitchy' as that is what I'm being...

I just don't know if this is the last straw? He is acting like changing the name was no big deal and I am crazy to be hurt like I am, but if it is no big deal then why do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangechangechange · 23/05/2021 22:42

He said that he did everything he could to help, he would rush home from work to help me, and I believe that. But that doesn't help when he is at work for 14 hours a day. And that's not his fault, it's just our reality. When I would call him upset I would always apologise but say I had to talk to someone on hard days or I would go crazy...

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangechangechange · 23/05/2021 22:46

He has also said that it is hard for him to come home to such a miserable wife all the time, especially when I used to be so happy.

By the way, I'm not miserable, I have a very active 2 year old and a difficult baby...when he gets home from work I'm exhausted. Also, he gets home when it is their witching hour...so that is the time of day when I am most exasperated...

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 23/05/2021 22:53

He has also said that it is hard for him to come home to such a miserable wife all the time, especially when I used to be so happy.

Where did you find your dh, the 1930s??

YANBU

GroovyPeanut · 23/05/2021 22:57

It's not very mature of him, that's for sure.

Is the move to a country that's not your own a recent thing?
It's tough being on your own all day for many hours with two children at the best of times, particularly the ages of yours. Being on your own all day for hours on end in a country where you have little or no support is even harder.
Have you managed to make any friends?
I think his behaviour towards you is making a bad situation worse. He's not particularly sympathetic or even caring in his attitude to you being upset.

The video thing might have upset him, as if he's not able to get home and help, and has got to focus on work, but you did it to highlight how things were tough for you, and that seems valid given your circumstances.

Are other aspects of your relationship Ok? Does he help with the kids and with the home when he is at home?

Original poster
namechangechangechange · 23/05/2021 23:05

He does help with the kids and the house when he is at home. He does loads round the house. We both never stop to be honest.

I guess I just feel betrayed - I feel like I have been labelled as miserable by my own husband in such a stupid way. I have been trying so so hard to keep on top of everything. I know he has too...but the difference is I wouldn't do something so petty about him. I think that's disrespectful, especially when I know he is working so hard for us. Why can he not feel like this about me?

OP posts:
MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 23/05/2021 23:10

Because he’s a thoughtless selfish self absorbed unfeeling uncaring twat.

Sorry. Flowers

billy1966 · 23/05/2021 23:14

Honestly OP, a husband working those hours, with no support, foreign country, two very young children, sounds like absolute hell.

I can understand your hurt.

He sounds like an immature passive aggressive twit.

I feel very sorry for you.

Is there anyway you can buy some help in?
You need supporting from somewhere.

You sound like you are doing a great job in very difficult circumstances.

Flowers
DinaofCloud9 · 23/05/2021 23:18

It sounds like a little thing but I'd be really hurt by that too.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2021 23:23

Your husband has the emotional maturity of a fly, and his intelligence level doesn't sound much better.

Original poster
namechangechangechange · 23/05/2021 23:26

I have made friends here but with lockdown we weren't able to see each other. I haven't been able to see my family in a year, my parents haven't met their grandchild. My mum was supposed to come to help me but couldn't because of corona.

And yeah, it is a small thing but for some reason it has really hurt me. If I did something like that and I saw that it upset him, even if it was something silly I did with no malice, I would apologise. Clearly he can see that it has hurt me, even if he can't understand why, even if that isn't his intention...but why not say he is sorry for hurting me, he never meant to do that? Instead he shouts at me, says I want to start a fight over nothing, and am being unreasonable....but I guess you can't make someone react the way you want them to...maybe we are just too different

OP posts:
Crimsonripple · 23/05/2021 23:34

What a dick...he sounds about 12 changing your name in his phone! If they are negative then so what? He should be talking to you to find out why you feel that way! Tell him to grow up and stop being pathetic!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/05/2021 23:39

I wouldnt be happy about this. Not the actual name change itself but what it represents.

It's like...his wife is having a hard time, because she has a newborn and a toddler in a country away from her support network and there is a pandemic complicating everything. That's a set of circumstances that would make anyone frustrated. And most people, when they are having a shit day, will tell the people who they are closest do I.e. the other parent. To me, messaging your partner when your kids are difficult is completely normal. Me and my husband do it all the time, its venting and letting off steam which is better than letting the kids see our frustrations.

But instead of thinking 'poor name change, it sounds like she is having a shit day, it must be hard when the baby doesn't stop crying, I wish I could be around more'...he is accusing you of being 'miserable'. To me, you don't sound miserable, you sound like someone expressing your normal level of frustrations to someone who is supposed to support you. His thought process seems to be all about how you having a shit time is affecting him. About how you telling him you're having a bad day is making him feel, and how he doesnt 'want to go home' to a 'miserable wife' especially when you 'used to be happy', presumably pre difficult newborn and toddler!

It's just a bit unsupportive and making it all about him. It sounds as though if you're having a shit time, you're supposed to just deal with it yourself instead of talking to him about it, because hey, don't you know it's annoying to have to hear about someone elses shit day and it's better for you to be 'miserable' on your own rather than cause any of your bad mood to rub off on him, right!?

That's how it comes across to me anyway. That instead of feeling bad for you and wanting to help, he feels bad for himself that your mood is negatively affecting him.

I think he may have a point if this had been going on for years and you're just a negative moaning person but again that doesnt sound the case, it sounds like you're reacting like most people would with the chaos of a newborn and toddler in a pandemic away from home

Maggiesfarm · 23/05/2021 23:46

It was a weird thing for him to do, frankly, but I suppose he has his reasons. Maybe he likes everything 'catalogued'.

Stop texting him while he is at work unless it is important. It achieves nothing except intrusion and you'll see him in the evening.

billy1966 · 23/05/2021 23:55

He sounds like a bully for shouting at you because you are hurt by something he did.

Not a normal healthy reaction.

It's the reaction of an abusive unpleasant person.

Is this who he is?

Is he normally so dismissive of you.

6 days a week, 14 hours a day is a lot.

Can you go and visit your parents for a break.

I would hate to think of my daughter in such a vulnerable situation.

Talk to your mum.

Flowers
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