Am I over reacting?

[namechangechangechange]

So I have always been saved in my husband's phone as 'myname :))))'. That's how he had me saved.

Tonight, I saw on his phone (we were looking at it together) as 'myname :((('. I asked why there are sad faces after my name and he says it is because since our second child was born 4 months ago I have been sending him messages etc and they have all been miserable. I have really
been struggling as have been completely on my own at home with a newborn and a toddler, no support or help, in a country that is not my own, struggling to breastfeed and severely sleep deprived. He said he changed it when I messaged him at work and the messages were more negative than positive. So my name has been different in his phone for the last few months I guess.

When he told me this I got teary as I don't know why someone who is supposed to care about you would go to the trouble of editing your name? He thinks I am being dramatic and trying to create a fight by having a problem with this. He said that I have no idea how I made him feel when I was messaging like that, how bad it made life for him. He has stormed off now. I am sitting here feeling so genuinely hurt.

I just feel that when I was most vulnerable, after having a terrible 4 day stay in the hospital and then being on my own with the two kids straight away, he labelled me.

Also, I wasn't messaging him non-stop negative things, if I asked how my day/morning was I was honest. The first day I was on my own with the two kids and my newborn (5 days old), wouldn't stop crying, I sent him a video of me holding him and him crying. I guess I just wanted to share how hard it was, maybe to not feel so alone? To get some words of support, I don't know? But certainly not all my messages have been negative..

Am I the unreasonable one for reacting the way that I did tonight?

He just climbed into bed next to me, hugged me and said I love you my crazy wife. I said I'm not crazy and he says I am...he asks if I've been crying, I said yes, you hurt me, and he said that this is why I am labelled with sad faces...because I am sad. I used to be his happy wife always smiling and I'm not anymore. But he still loves me...

I said that he has hurt me, and I can't understand why he would do this...and he has just stormed off again to go and sleep in the spare room

Also I dont think it's bad to message him when he is working. It's bad if you expect a reply and it's bad if you are off with him if he can't respond etc, but I think if you're just messaging to get it off your chest as it happens then that's ok. No one else understands what you're going through or wants to hear about the detail of your kids lives like their other parent. Most people at work don't mind getting updates on their very young children from nursery etc, as long as they are not expected to respond. I shared paternity leave with my husband and I was fine with him sending me pictures of what they were up to, or moaning about what little shits they'd been or whatever he was going through, sometimes I'd be in meetings and not see them til I was on the train home and other times I'd respond. To me, that's normal. I don't really understand the 'don't contact him at work, wait til he is home'...if he is too busy to look at messages then he doesn't have to. That's the whole point of messaging over say a phone or video call

So he did something that upset you...and now he is saying that's an example of why he calls you sad. It does sound like he was trying to make up with you but that he just doesn't get it at all. Calling someone sad and miserable is completely counter productive, what is he actually trying to achieve

If my husband worked 14 hrs a day, 6 days a week and was unsupportive and even unkind when he was home I would be seriously considering what the point in living with him was.

Do you live in this other country for him? Could you go home and he can travel home every few weekends? You'd have a support network around you then and he wouldn't have to moan that you are not smiling all day and baking cookies.

passive aggressive and unsupportive. I would be really upset by this. Don't text him anymore - he probably won't like that either.

@namechangechangechange

He just climbed into bed next to me, hugged me and said I love you my crazy wife. I said I'm not crazy and he says I am...he asks if I've been crying, I said yes, you hurt me, and he said that this is why I am labelled with sad faces...because I am sad. I used to be his happy wife always smiling and I'm not anymore. But he still loves me...

I said that he has hurt me, and I can't understand why he would do this...and he has just stormed off again to go and sleep in the spare room

He is the one making you sad! Telling you that you’re crazy is part of the gas lighting.

I’d be saving up an escape fund.

Not good.
Not kind.
Not supportive.
Whether he "gets" it or not🙄, his wife is upset at something he has done.
His wife who is solely responsible for two very young children on her own 6 days a week, 14 hours a day.

Gas lighting you? Yes
Deliberately being stubborn? Yes
Unkind? Yes

The storming off at you for not letting it go? Not good at all.

OP, talk to your mum.

Please get out. This is is emotional abuse and gas lighting. You aren't crazy. He is trying to convince you that you are because it suits his narrative.

Even if you were crazy (whatever that means) a decent husband (or even casual acquaintance) would support you through it without labelling you or making you feel bad for saying you are struggling.

Please run as fast as you can.

It seems like a small thing but that’s actually quite mean. Shows what he thinks of you I suppose. Not very nice!

This man sounds absolutely awful. Calling you crazy wife is emotionally abusive. I would be devastated too if my DH did this to me.

He put more effort into changing your name on his phone than he did being a supportive husband and father

This strikes a chord with me. It’s hard for him to listen to you being unhappy so he gets annoyed at you for it instead of empathising and trying to support you. Horrible.