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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH to have a vasectomy

49 replies

GunthersCouch · 23/05/2021 13:34

I know I can't stop him, I know it's his choice and so on...

But from an emotional POV, AIBU for being sad at the thought of DH getting the snip?

We've agreed no more DC, although I secretly would if he wanted to (he definitely doesn't).

He's now talking about getting the snip so that I don't have to continue taking contraception. I feel so sad about it though, it seems so final.

OP posts:

TheWitchersWife · 23/05/2021 13:44

I found it better.
I have 2, its all DH wanted as long as he can remember. I'm the eldest of 8 though a variety of those are half siblings and had to do a portion of childcare, so for years I said no.
He had his vasectomy 6 days after I gave birth to our second.
I think its better as there's no discussion, no fantasy or dreaming. We have 2 boys and I do think it would have been nice to have a girl, but its not possible so I very rarely think about it.
Closing one chapter is okay, you just start the next.

redtshirt50 · 23/05/2021 13:44

I don’t think yabu for feeling sad about this, I take great comfort in being able to change my mind about things.

Although I think most vasectomies are reversible so it’s not completely completely final! (I don’t know how successful the reversal are though)

OhToBeASeahorse · 23/05/2021 13:47

I know the feeling on finality. We have 2 and we said we are done but a little part of me would love a 3rd.

However - it is his body and having more kids needs to be his choice too. At least he isnt leaving it all up to you?

roarfeckingroarr · 23/05/2021 13:50

I would hate it but then I want more children.

Shoxfordian · 23/05/2021 13:52

It sounds like you do want more children though

Topseyt · 23/05/2021 13:53

It is natural to feel sad, I think. I did when DH did it after the birth of our third child even though we definitely didn’t want any more children.

A chapter of my life was closing was what it was for me. I can see that looking back now and it was definitely the right decision. Also, I was relieved in the end to no longer have to take contraception.

Ginger1982 · 23/05/2021 14:00

I think he's being a great supportive husband by undergoing a medical procedure so you don't have to keep pumping yourself full of artificial stuff. Be grateful for what you have.

iolaus · 23/05/2021 14:02

The night before mine had it done I had major second thoughts and didn't want him to have it done

He still did - and I am grateful that he didn't listen to my last minute nerves because I don't want more children

osbertthesyrianhamster · 23/05/2021 14:03

@Ginger1982

I think he's being a great supportive husband by undergoing a medical procedure so you don't have to keep pumping yourself full of artificial stuff. Be grateful for what you have.

This.

Elnetthairnet · 23/05/2021 14:07

I felt the same, but it didn’t last and now I am very very glad he had it done. I don’t think I’d ever have been ‘done’ with having kids but it was the right time. No more stressing if my period is a bit late, no more faffing about with contraceptives. Honestly, it’s so much better.

Tk5787338 · 23/05/2021 14:08

I don’t want any more DC but I’d still feel a bit sad at the finality of it

PeanuttyButter · 23/05/2021 14:08

I think it's his body, his choice. If you are not happy or accepting of that you need to re-evaluate if you want to stay in the relationship or seek one where you may have another chance of a child. Although I know this is hard.
I personally think that he's doing a good thing taking the contraceptive burden and I will be happy for my husband when he chooses to do that. If it was the other way round and the woman wanted to prevent further pregnancies but the man didn't want that there would be outrage.

AlternativePerspective · 23/05/2021 14:08

I have lost count of the amount of times that a poster has posted here that her DH doesn’t want more children, and the answer is always “If he doesn’t want more children then he should have a vasectomy.”

That is exactly what your DH is doing.

The reality is that there is always going to be a final child, even if he didn’t have the vasectomy. At some point one of the children will be the last one.

And people really need to stop telling posters that “they can have it reversed.” The success rate is very low on reversals. Vasectomy needs to be seen as permanent, not as a temporary solution until the man can be talked into having it reversed.

Tk5787338 · 23/05/2021 14:09

@Ginger1982 but the OP would actually like more DC so why should she be grateful that something she’d like is “off the table” completely after this

MyDcAreMarvel · 23/05/2021 14:11

@AlternativePerspective And people really need to stop telling posters that “they can have it reversed.” The success rate is very low on reversals.
The success rate is very high, especially if not so many years have past.

AlternativePerspective · 23/05/2021 14:15

but the OP would actually like more DC so why should she be grateful that something she’d like is “off the table” completely after this She should be grateful for the children she has.

If she wants more children she is free to leave, give 50/50 residency of the children to her h, become a single parent, on the off chance she might meet someone who wants children with her. He doesn’t want children, and is taking steps to make that final.

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 23/05/2021 14:20

I've had two partners who've had vasectomies before I met them. I have one DD so not a deal breaker for me. Both could ejaculate and were good in bed BUT they could both go for ages!! 🙈 good some of the time but after two orgasms from me (very good and happy) another 15/20 minutes after of 'good' sex was a bit sore and off putting. Sometimes I just want a quicky

Sorry if tmi, anyone else the same?
Sorry to derail the thread

Cheesecakeandwine · 23/05/2021 14:22

Both my husband and I were sterilised after our 4th child (we were that sure). We then went onto adopt!!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/05/2021 14:25

He doesn’t want any more children so it’s the right choice for him. He can control things then rather than have to put his trust in another.

OwlTwitterings · 23/05/2021 14:25

YANBU for feeling sad about this but good for him to be taking responsibility of what you have decided as a couple is completion of your family.

Original poster

GunthersCouch · 23/05/2021 14:30

I think as others have said, it's just the closing of the chapter.

Just to clarify, I'm not suggesting telling him he can't or anything like that. I'm well aware his body his choice and all that. I'm just surprised that I feel so sad about it. I have not said this to him.

If it matters, we only have 1 DC.

I don't even feel a huge urge to have more, I've been quite happy with the decision we made not to, until it came to us having the ability of changing our minds taken away if that makes sense.

OP posts:

rwalker · 23/05/2021 14:31

I had a vasectomy the worst decision of my life . All you here endlessly is it's straightforward 10 min op and few day later all fine.
Nothing could be further from the truth for me 2 ops pain that bad it would stop me in my tracks till the second op.
Side effects and long term pain for life are more common than you think but it's totally dissmised it's something like 1 in 10 have problem .

takemetothelakes · 23/05/2021 14:32

@GunthersCouch

I know I can't stop him, I know it's his choice and so on...

But from an emotional POV, AIBU for being sad at the thought of DH getting the snip?

We've agreed no more DC, although I secretly would if he wanted to (he definitely doesn't).

He's now talking about getting the snip so that I don't have to continue taking contraception. I feel so sad about it though, it seems so final.

You say secretly you'd like another child. Does your husband know this? How secret is this?

If you haven't explicitly told him this then you need to have that conversation. It probably won't change his view but better to have talked about it than having a wobble in 6 months and telling him you want another baby.

lockdownalli · 23/05/2021 14:34

Why is your wish to have a second child a secret from your husband?

I think you need to have a serious talk with him before he takes this step. Otherwise he is not making a fully informed decision and that's not fair on him either.

Original poster

GunthersCouch · 23/05/2021 14:34

You say secretly you'd like another child. Does your husband know this? How secret is this?

It's not a straightforward situation, I won't go into the whole thing here, but we struggled having DC. I think he knows if it were 'easy' that I'd have more, but the likelihood is that it would be difficult again and so I've reluctantly accepted that we don't want to go through that again.

OP posts:

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