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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH to have a vasectomy

49 replies

GunthersCouch · 23/05/2021 13:34

I know I can't stop him, I know it's his choice and so on...

But from an emotional POV, AIBU for being sad at the thought of DH getting the snip?

We've agreed no more DC, although I secretly would if he wanted to (he definitely doesn't).

He's now talking about getting the snip so that I don't have to continue taking contraception. I feel so sad about it though, it seems so final.

OP posts:

Original poster

GunthersCouch · 23/05/2021 14:36

I guess because I don't really see it as a secret wish for a second child. I'm finding it hard to explain but it's not that I definitely want another DC or I'm fantasising about more DC, but if DH said he would be up for it, then I would definitely do it. Does that even make sense? I don't know!

OP posts:

Original poster

GunthersCouch · 23/05/2021 14:37

And the fact we are quite young too (late 20s). It just seems like a big decision when we have so many years left of us possibly being able to have DC.

OP posts:

CaraherEIL · 23/05/2021 14:40

I would tell him to wait until he is older, it seems very young to decide something so final.

OwlTwitterings · 23/05/2021 14:43

@GunthersCouch

And the fact we are quite young too (late 20s). It just seems like a big decision when we have so many years left of us possibly being able to have DC.

Has it actually been agreed? He might struggle to get it on the NHS.

Elieza · 23/05/2021 14:58

I’d suggest he’s young to take such a big step. But very considerate of your health and responsible. What a refreshing change on here.

Lots of mums get that longing for another baby from when they wean the last one, no matter how many they have. I’m presuming it’s hormonal!

I felt like that when I started my menopause journey. It’s just the finality if it all. But I don’t want a baby so I don’t know why I feel that way. Guess it’s just the removal of free choice!

Ducksurprise · 23/05/2021 15:03

How old is your dc?

CounsellorTroi · 23/05/2021 15:07

@redtshirt50

I don’t think yabu for feeling sad about this, I take great comfort in being able to change my mind about things.

Although I think most vasectomies are reversible so it’s not completely completely final! (I don’t know how successful the reversal are though)

It really shouldn't be gone into with the view that "it can always be reversed". The NHS won't pay for a reversal and it might not work.

sunflowertulip · 23/05/2021 15:08

Neither my husband or I want more children (and are very sure about this) and I still don't want him to have a vasectomy. You never know what the future may hold so don't want to make any permanent decisions.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 23/05/2021 15:08

Dear god, so because it's the woman who wants more kids and he's 'young' she should be trying to talk him out of making a decision about his body?!! Fucking hell! Talk about double standards! Half these responses wouldn't be here if it was the woman who wanted her tubes tied and she posted about her partner telling her she was too young, it's so final, blah blah blah.

And maybe he's going private. The agreement is between him and his doctor about his body.

If his partner doesn't like what he wants to do to HIS body, then she needs to leave.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 23/05/2021 15:18

It really shouldn't be gone into with the view that "it can always be reversed". The NHS won't pay for a reversal and it might not work.

This. My h had a vasectomy via the NHS (he was in his 30s and we had 3 kids) but they made it clear it was to be considered permanent contraception.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 23/05/2021 15:22

No advice but i am in the same position. I am not 100% i would want more but would probably be up for it if DH did. i know that he will never change his mind on that though and i am.not sure enough to try and persuade him to.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/05/2021 15:25

YANBU to feel sad. If you had a struggle to have your DC a big part of your lives might have been spent ttc and it’s weird when that stage is over.

Has he said why he wants to do it now? Mentioning you no longer needing contraception makes it sound like he thinks he’s doing you a favour while you don’t see it that way. If it’s the right decision for him he needs to own that and you’re entitled to up or understandable feelings about it

Drunkenmonkey · 23/05/2021 15:29

I think thats very young to be making that kind of decision and I'd be trying to talk him out of it.

Daphnise · 23/05/2021 15:31

Your husband having a vasectomy is not the end of you having another child, so there's no need to be upset.

ViciousJackdaw · 23/05/2021 15:36

Man decides he doesn't want any more children and takes steps to prevent it. What an arsehole, eh?

BTW, it's as patronising as fuck to say 'but you might change your mind...'. Every enquiry I made about sterilisation was met with that shite . Then, when I needed a salpingectomy as a matter of urgency, the docs still ummed and ahhed about it!

Original poster

GunthersCouch · 23/05/2021 15:41

To be clear I absolutely don't think he's an arsehole, or in the wrong or anything at all.

This came about because I've been struggling with the side effects of the hormonal contraception I'm on.

If it's what he wants to do it's absolutely his choice, I do understand that. I'm just sad for myself and it being 'the end' of that part of our lives.

I do worry too what if in 10yrs time for example, we feel differently. I don't mean to be patronising but I do think about it.

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 23/05/2021 16:22

[quote Tk5787338]@Ginger1982 but the OP would actually like more DC so why should she be grateful that something she’d like is “off the table” completely after this[/quote]
Because they have apparently agreed not to have more and the person who doesn't edit a child trumps the person who does.

Ginger1982 · 23/05/2021 16:23

*want not edit 🙄

Pinkdelight3 · 23/05/2021 16:23

I'm very pro-vasectomy if a couple agrees they don't want more DC. It's worked out great for us and I love not needing to take contraception.

However, what worries me most about your posts is that you've apparently agreed you both don't want more DC - but you secretly might and you 'think' he knows your secret wishes, but you haven't explicitly discussed it. FGS have some full and proper conversations about it. Whatever complexities you've been through to have your DC and however little you might be inclined to have more DC for the foreseeable, there's zero reason to not be open and honest with your DH about your feelings, you indecision, confusion, all of it. Please have those conversations and see where it goes. Don't rely on him reading your mind, when even you don't really know how you feel about the matter!

A frank conversation doesn't commit either of you to anything, but a vasectomy really closes the door and could store up a load of problems if you're intent on keeping secrets now. And just fundamentally, why keep secrets on such a matter from a man you've had a child with?

MamaWeasel · 23/05/2021 16:33

Just to echo one pp, my husband had a vasectomy soon after our second child was born. All went well, no regrets. But 20 years later, he developed chronic epididymitis which lasted a year before he was finally able to wean off all the painkillers. The pain was excruciating, at one point he was in hospital on oramorph.

We were told that it's a fairly common occurrence in vasectomised men, but nobody ever talks about it.

lockdownalli · 23/05/2021 16:39

I don't think most posters are saying the DH is an arsehole at all.

The consensus seems to be "does he really truly know how you feel about this?"

It's still not clear to me whether OP has sat down with her DH and said "Actually, despite it all, I think I might want another, could we postpone this for now?"

If he absolutely does not want any more then that is his decision and OP will have to respect that and accept that she will not be able to have any future children with him.

CaraherEIL · 25/05/2021 16:37

I think 20’s is too young for anyone to massively reduce/ eliminate their future fertility.

Unanananana · 25/05/2021 17:02

DP is having his on 7th June and I cannot wait.

We have three tween/teen kids between us (none together) and we definately don't want any more. I can't get sterilised as local HA won't fund it . I am fat and miserable on the pill.

If you aren't done, you need to speak up or it may fester. Good on him for taking responsibility though. A lot of men use the claptrap excuse of 'it taking away their masculinity'.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 25/05/2021 17:13

Would it help if you accepted that you will probably always feel sad about it, even if you didn't have any desire for another DC? I think it's a sad and final thing to close that door for good, for most people, no matter how clear they might be on not wanting another DC. It's also a reminder that our youth is passing and will never come back.

DH actually cancelled his vasectomy the night before the first time because I wasn't ready. We talked it through and he subsequently had it a year later. I still have occasional wistful moments, but actually the finality of it has helped me and I'm glad I didn't let chance or hormones lead me into another DC that I would have probably struggled with. The more time passes the more I can see that it was the right decision.

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