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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the ugly friend?

36 replies

Happylife123x · 23/05/2021 12:34

I was out with my two friends I saw men staring over at us. 2 of the men come over and try talk to me and my friends and the best looking one talks to me.

He says he has a girlfriend but his friends are single. Then he chats to me and we get on well. I said I got a free drink before and he said it must be because they fancied me.

In my opinion they saw me as the ugliest one so got the guy with the gf to chat to me whilst they tried to get with my friends? Is this a thing? I feel quite low on self esteem.

OP posts:
Cheeseandlobster · 23/05/2021 12:39

We all have a type. Perhaps your friends were more the other guys types. It doesnt mean you are ugly. Some really good looking guys to others like Brad Pitt just leave me cold. Yet objectively he is far from ugly. I am probably not making much sense but this snapshot does not scream ugly friend to me. How do you feel about yourself? Is your self esteem not great at the moment?

mainsfed · 23/05/2021 12:40

Your low self esteem shows.

No one knows what their motivation was, but even if the two single men were attracted to your two friends, that’s no reflection only you. The two men wanting to talk to your friends doesn’t mean you are ugly!

Why is your self-esteem low?

Cheeseandlobster · 23/05/2021 12:40
  • sorry that should have read why is your self esteem not great at the moment?
mainsfed · 23/05/2021 12:40

@Cheeseandlobster

We all have a type. Perhaps your friends were more the other guys types. It doesnt mean you are ugly. Some really good looking guys to others like Brad Pitt just leave me cold. Yet objectively he is far from ugly. I am probably not making much sense but this snapshot does not scream ugly friend to me. How do you feel about yourself? Is your self esteem not great at the moment?
I agree re Brad Pitt - I just don’t get it. 😂
thisplaceisweird · 23/05/2021 12:42

My honest thought is why the fuck do you care? Why is the assumed opinion of random men of importance? Don't let it linger for a second.

The only thing that matters is your opinion of yourself. You obviously need to do some work on this.

FunMcCool · 23/05/2021 12:44

Impossible to say but I’m sure you’re not ugly. No one is.

thisplaceisweird · 23/05/2021 12:44

Being the most attractive person in a group is overrated. What about being the funniest, most intelligent, kindest etc etc

Your looks are the least interesting thing about you

ludothedog · 23/05/2021 12:47

Have you watched the film The DUFF? It stands for the designated ugly fat friend, Really cruel but unfortunately true. I'm normally the DUFF, or was in my youth. I know that you are really low in self confidence and feeling hurt so probably not what you need to hear.

What I would say though is that there is someone for everyone and not all men are vapid and shallow. Pubs are pick up joins and not really the best place to meet someone, in my opinion.

FlowersFlowersFlowers

TellySavalashairbrush · 23/05/2021 12:47

I’ve always been the ugly friend and was regularly approached in my youth by very good looking men who would then ask me about my equally good looking friend. Learn to love yourself op and don’t assume you are the ugly friend. I’m 50 now and can finally say I’m happy with myself wish I had not wasted 30 year’s thinking otherwise.

LeafBeetle · 23/05/2021 12:49

Ah I feel your pain OP! When I was younger my best friend was absolutely gorgeous, men always came over to talk to us but it was obvious they really wanted to talk to her! Luckily I have healthy self esteem so it didn't bother me. I may be less beautiful than her, but that doesn't mean I'm ugly, and there's a lot to value in people other than their looks. In fact she ended up in some relationships with awful guys who were really unkind to her - I think they thought of her more as a 'prize' than an actual woman. This was all years ago - these days we're both happily married to lovely men.

UnFringed · 23/05/2021 12:50

Technically I’ve always been the ugly friend but I’m actually not that ugly I’m quite attractive but in comparison.

But personality wise I’m a catch, not very modest but I’m funny, articulate, challenging and flirty.

Therefore I don’t care as a man after hotness is also often after a shag.

Rainbunny · 23/05/2021 12:59

Cheeseandlobster "Some really good looking guys to others like Brad Pitt just leave me cold."

A little off topic but I laughed when I read this! I was literally the "ugly girl" once in the 90's at the nightclub "Browns," with my model type best friend and Brad Pitt was there! I believe he'd just finished filming Interview with a Vampire.

He spent some time staring at my friend and finally came over and started chatting but mostly to me. Even as a rather naive 19 year old, I quickly realised he was far more comfortable aiming his conversation at me because he was completely unattracted to me. He eventually got around to flirting with my friend and they went off and danced. Funnything is that I found him nice but not overly attractive in person and my friend absolutely did not find him attractive! He was a bit scruffy back then and she always went for the well dressed/manicured type of man (naturally she went on to date a famous footballer but I won't out her!)

Looubylou · 23/05/2021 13:04

You may well have been considered the least attractive of the 3 women, but that doesn't mean you aren't a stunner yourself, or that 3 different men might have made a different choice. If you are feeling a little low at the moment it might mean your friends were giving out more "approach me" vibes. Forget about it and look at how you can work on your own self esteem/happiness. Also, by your own admission your friends were chatted up by what you considered the less attractive 2 men, so you haven't missed out there then. 💐

Dozer · 23/05/2021 13:14

‘I got a free drink’: it wasn’t ‘free’, it was for spending time with the men. Urgh.

I’ve never enjoyed nights out with friends who want to spend most of the night with men they don’t know, or who’re acquaintances, who approach the group.

When much younger I often went out with a friend who was/is slim and conventionally beautiful, and she got approached lots. Didn’t mean I was unattractive or ugly, just that I was less conventionally attractive than she was to randoms in the bar/club/wherever. Which was fine.

Random men fancying your friends, but not you, is fine.

Dozer · 23/05/2021 13:14

OMG rainbunny, great sleb story!

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2021 13:15

How old are you op?

Mamette · 23/05/2021 13:22

‘I got a free drink’: it wasn’t ‘free’, it was for spending time with the men. Urgh.

I took this to mean the OP was telling him how she got a free drink at the bar.

OwlIceCrem · 23/05/2021 13:28

I have some friends who seem to draw men like magnets. Never happens for me. I’m married anyway but this has always been the case. My friends are lovely but I don’t think they are vastly more attractive than me- I think somehow they give off a more approachable vibe which I have just never managed to master 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m sure it’s the same for you!

VeganCheesePlease · 23/05/2021 13:34

@rainbunny Omg how cool! ! I'm sure your friend has introduced you to some characters over the years!
OP, no you're not at all. If your self esteem is a bit low, maybe you didn't come across as confidently as your friends did and that's why they wanted to speak to them. Even if not and they just preferred them, as PP have said we all have a type. It doesn't mean people who aren't are type aren't good looking, just that they don't do it for us personally.

Giantrooster · 23/05/2021 13:38

I'm so sorry you are feeling low, but thinking like that will be self-reforcing and will bring you nothing good.

With age I've come to realize (when I've watched this happen to others), that it's not usually to do with looks, but with 'accessibility'. People spot the nervousness, the will i be picked look. At the same time when you are self-conscious you are not the funnest most entertaining one.

If you've ever seen a class of pupils being asked a question or doing the pick me dance at pe, it's so easy to see in the body language, the ones who really don't want to be asked or the ones nervous about not being chosen.

I don't know if it helps you at all, but confidence and especially not giving a flying fuck makes you seem more relaxing company.

(and I really don't want to be that poster, but depression tend to make you think the way you do). Thanks

LouLou789 · 23/05/2021 13:41

I’ve had similar experiences. Both in terms of blokes talking to me only as a passport to get to talk to my friend (then absolutely blanking me once she responded) and the awful realisation that the said “friend” enjoyed going out with me precisely because she regarded me as the DUFF. Dropped her, sharpish!

Sounds as if it was all about the moment and different blokes are attracted to different women, that’s all, and not a reflection of your attractiveness. Sorry this has made you feel bad, though.

katy1213 · 23/05/2021 13:42

How does being chatted up by the best looking man translate into you being the ugly friend?

NeedNewKnees · 23/05/2021 13:48

My experience was even worse - people “befriending” me in the hopes I’d put in a good word with my handsome little brother.

Yeah, thanks, ‘pals’.

Original poster
Happylife123x · 23/05/2021 13:48

I am 23, the drink was from the bar. Thankyou for all your replies. I do struggle with depression/anxiety and low self esteem.

@katy1213 because he had a girlfriend and it seems he was being used to chat to me whilst his friends pursued mine like a wingman rather than being interested in me.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 23/05/2021 13:52

Op, are you getting help for your mental health issues? At 23 you should be aware not everyone fancies everyone. So what if his mate fancied your friend and he was going as wing man? Not every bloke can fancy you.

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