Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I the ugly friend?

36 replies

Happylife123x · 23/05/2021 12:34

I was out with my two friends I saw men staring over at us. 2 of the men come over and try talk to me and my friends and the best looking one talks to me.

He says he has a girlfriend but his friends are single. Then he chats to me and we get on well. I said I got a free drink before and he said it must be because they fancied me.

In my opinion they saw me as the ugliest one so got the guy with the gf to chat to me whilst they tried to get with my friends? Is this a thing? I feel quite low on self esteem.

OP posts:

Original poster

Happylife123x · 23/05/2021 13:54

Yes I am getting help. I don’t expect everyone to fancy me the situation has just taken a hit to my self esteem and I already felt unattractive.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2021 13:56

Ok, well if it helps op. Everyone has a type. His mate fancied your friend. This is no reflection on you at all. He went wing man to help his friend. He had a girlfriend. There is nothing unusual here.

katy1213 · 23/05/2021 14:00

You seem determined to wring the worst possible interpretation from this. Maybe he thought you were friendly and good company and was drawn to chat to you, even though he wasn't available. Maybe the girlfriend's on the way out and he was attracted to you.
Maybe none of them were looking for more from the evening than a laugh and a bit of flirtation.
But you really shouldn't be letting the opinions - good or bad - of random blokes in a pub pull you down like this.

PeriMisabastard · 23/05/2021 14:09

I was the DUFF growing up. It did bother me for a while when I released a teenager but I stopped caring in my 20s because I got a sense of self worth from myself and not from the validation of others.

I do understand when you’re feeling vulnerable and self conscious that your mind takes you immediately to what’s wrong with me but the answer is nothing is wrong with you. Did you fancy the other two guys? Did you wanted chatted up? Or did you appreciate the company of a more handsome man albeit taken and the potential to make a new friend from the experience?

Yokey · 23/05/2021 14:12

I'm considered quite conventionally attractive (apols for the outright brag but context). I have been the one the men stare at and I really hope it didn't bother my friends. I have also had my confidence knocked when I was in my early twenties and out with a beautiful skinny blonde a few times whom all the men stared at, ignoring me. I regret that I gave a shit now. It's all so hollow and meaningless and these men were nothing to me.

By the time I was in my late 20s, I had no desire for male attention when I was out with friends and couldn't care less who they were looking at. I really don't care who finds me attractive (unless it was when I was single and was someone I found attractive) and I'm so much happier for it.

angstridden2 · 23/05/2021 21:37

OMG are we still doing this in 2021.....women validating hemselves by their appearance? Thank God I’m old and past it anyway.

apalledandshocked · 23/05/2021 21:45

@Happylife123x

I am 23, the drink was from the bar. Thankyou for all your replies. I do struggle with depression/anxiety and low self esteem.

@katy1213 because he had a girlfriend and it seems he was being used to chat to me whilst his friends pursued mine like a wingman rather than being interested in me.

If the barman gave you a free drink then it would have been because he fancied you (unless you mean there was a promotion). It is completely random, and not particular empowered really that that is a thing but it definately is!

But also - it really shouldnt matter whether some randomers found you the most attractive (though I can understand why it can feel like it does). The time it would really hurt is if someone you know and really like isnt attracted to you but, to be honest, that happens to almost everyone at some point in their life. And anyway, it isnt connected to a random judging panel of 3 men in a club.

toconclude · 23/05/2021 21:46

@FunMcCool

Impossible to say but I’m sure you’re not ugly. No one is.

Some people are. They can still be lovely people but honestly, pretending that the evidence of our eyes isn't what it is helps no-one.

toconclude · 23/05/2021 21:54

Example - a teacher I had at school - good teacher, nice person, objectively ugly. And I'm no oil painting myself

Tooshytoshine · 23/05/2021 22:01

You aren't the "ugly" one. I think it is more seeming unobtainable or not what they were after that night.

I remember somebody once chatting up my mate then later drunkenly admitted they hadn't tried it on with me as I didn't look like I would laugh at their jokes. I wouldn't they were a prick, who bragged and asked no questions apart from to repeatedly ask our names - oh, and I'm gay😂. Maybe you look more discerning or challenging.

The good looking one also told you that you were fanciable and validated you, when he said why he thought you got the free drink.

But, girl, validate yourself - you don't need men in bars to tell you that you are desirable and worthy of love. You are amazing and the best person at being you.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 23/05/2021 22:06

If you think about game theory (as explained in A Beautiful Mind - I don't claim to understand it better than that!) it sounds as if you are the pretty one. The idea is that if everyone fights over the pretty one, the others are offended and no one gets lucky, whereas if you take the pretty one out of the equation, everyone else couples up.

Flip

1 2