Struggling with 2 year old

[mag2305]

My son is 2 and a half and is the most loved, incredible little boy but he is testing us, especially at the moment. He's always been very switched on, like one step ahead but has never been easy and has always got very frustrated over things. He is very destructive around the house, for instance, he will throw over plant pots on purpose or take off drawer handles! He can be very hyperactive and apart from when he's asleep or maybe poorly, he just can't ever stay still. He's a runner (I wouldn't trust him walking near roads at all), he's a climber (climbs up kitchen units, cupboards, radiators) and still puts things he shouldn't in his mouth. If we play in the garden, he'll instanting go to the shrubs with berries on and try to put them in his mouth whilst looking at us.

We tell him no, a lot it feels like, but also praise him lots too. I don't believe in time out at this age so we don't do that but we do ignore which can work sometimes. He has tantrums a lot and fortunately they are short lived but are quite frequent. I'm finding him to be physically harder. He's tall for his age and when he kicks out, it's not fun!

Myself and my partner are both anxious, highly strung people and I wonder if my son is the way he is because of his genetics. It wouldn't surprise me if one day, someone suggests possible adhd. I'm a teacher and have taught a lot of children with challenging behaviour but have never thought anything of it. Now it's my own child, I feel out of my depth.

One thing I'm finding hard is taking my ds out with friends and their children. He is the wild, defiant one and the other seem so much more compliant. If I went to the beach with friends, I can guarantee that my ds will be the one to go straight into the sea fully clothed. He wouldn't be content with playing in the sand or paddling. It's almost like he's a toddler adrenaline junkie!! He always wants to take things to the next level.

I feel unfair saying all this as I do also love my ds's spirit, humour and individualality. He's a character! But it is exhausting and draining. Sometimes I feel like other toddlers are so much easier, then it's the whole, what am I doing wrong thing?!! Quite often I'll see parents and toddlers walking along by a road with the toddler free to walk without holding hands. Or just sitting on a chair with out being strapped in.

Does anyone else have a naturally wild, hazardous toddler? It feels like it's just us sometimes. Please share any experiences and stories. xx

P.s. I do also think that a year of on/off lockdown, and we had to sheild for a while, has made a difference to his behaviour too. Especially the destructive behaviour around our small house.

You might get told this isn’t the right forum but I just thought I’d answer anyway. Can you build in a really active activity once or twice a day. Are you working or with him all the time? Maybe try and increase sift play park swimming type activities and schedule them in religiously. Do you have friends with older kids that like rough and tumble play? Messy activities if he is is sensory seeking? I don’t think being inside and lockdowns has helped any children but really active ones even less so.

My 3yo still eats plants in the garden. I've taught him which ones are safe to eat (explained what can happen if he eats the wrong ones) and that he must ask before eating a plant/flower anywhere else. This was much easier than a blanket ban.

Similarly I find in situations like the beach that removing the thing that I find problematic is much easier. So I'd mostly undress him (and have spare vest and undies with me) - then it isn't a problem if he runs into the sea.

It does sound as though your ds might need more exercise/outdoor time to reduce his energy indoors. I appreciate that can be challenging (I have 3 Ds), try to find time to "train" him in how to behave around whatever hazards are common where you live) visit frequently. That might mean lots of time there without your friends.

Myself and my partner are both anxious, highly strung people

He probably finds it incredibly easy to get a near-hysterical reaction from you both and thinks that’s fun. Any attention, negative or otherwise is rewarding for kids.

I read your post with joy, as I could have well written it myself. We have a 2.5 year old son who is exactly the same. A couple of things we have found to help.

1. at least one long walk a day at a min.
2. limiting tv to a couple of short half hour periods spread across the day.
3. make sure he naps if possible, if he is tired he is 100% worse.
4. avoid sugary snacks We also keep telling ourself that it’s the 2s they will get better! X

Mine is a little like this - I do think some toddlers are like dogs and absolutely need a long walk every day to burn off all that energy.

I find ‘no’ as a word is actually an incentive to do the thing more - I say things like ‘we don’t climb on the table / you’re not allowed climb on the table, are you? Where are you allowed to climb? (Outside) will we go and do some climbing outside?’ Etc etc - distract, change his attention to something else. So he knows where the boundary is and that it exists but you’re not turning it into a hill to die on.

Mine if tired can be defiant and oppositional, so I absolutely do not turn it into a battle of wills. Re the berries, if the plant is toxic get rid, if it’s something like a rose bush with rose hips which are safe to eat but not very palatable leave it and say something like ‘ugh, those aren’t very nice, are they. We don’t eat those because they’re yucky, aren’t they? Bleh! What do we eat?’ (Ask them a question they know the answer to so you can then praise them)

Also, he sounds bright - mine is too and always has been, so testing boundaries happens early! In this mood, as mine is very independent and I feel often gets frustrated being little and dependent, I ask him to do jobs for me ‘can you open the microwave for me? Can you help me do x y z Do you want me to show you how to do it yourself?’ It really changes the whole tone of the conversation.

Generally with toddlers like this, redirect, engage and try to avoid the word ‘no’ - save it for emergency use.

Can you send him to nursery? Just a couple of days a week ? Let him burn it off and give yourself a break.

Two year olds are hard work. I’m on to my second and I’m shock I must have blocked out how difficult toddlers can be. Everything needs to be game and sometimes you just want them to put their coat and shoes on and go with you there being a million issues to solve first.

The NHS says children need at least 3 hours of exercise a day but remember this is the bare minimum. Imagine they are an active dog.

When you go out tackle it like your doing a school trip. Have a quick mental risk assessment before you and think of the tricky things and how to deal with them - he will want to go into the sea, bring a wetsuit towel and large clothes which are easily to get back on for afterwards, it will be a battle to get him into the car seat so bring a snack and drink to tempt him in which he can have while you are fastening him in but before you start driving and so on. Tell him what is expected behaviour before you get there, so if you need to nip into the supermarket tell him as you put him in the car seat where you are going and when you are there he will sit in the seat in the trolley, being a drink and book for him and reins for backup incase he refuses the trolley.

You've described my 2yo son. He has always been like this. I plan activities for him or outings and I just regret stepping out the door or doing it. Like you said, I see toddlers on the beach happily playing along but my one will run to the sea fully clothed trying to jump in. I will pull him out and have to carry him back to the car where he is kicking and screaming and everyone looking at us. Putting him into his high chair, car seat and pushchair is a daily battle and it's bloody exhausting.

My family and friends always mentions they've never seen a child like him before, always on the go and never sits still for even a brief moment.

I use reigns and now he kicks off and pulls the reigns off my hands if I'm holding him as he wants to be free and run on the road. I take him out his car seat and I have to hold him otherwise he will run off. I see toddlers who happily just wait for mummy or daddy take the pushchair out the car standing next to the car. He is literally like a dog, sniffing, touching, pulling, climbing and running off. When does it get better? 🤷‍♀️

Two year olds are hard work and he does sound really active. You could try things like table toys to fiddle with whilst sat at the table to help him sit for a little while longer, sensory plants (chives, strawberries, mint etc) for him to eat whilst outside. Let him run into the sea with wet clothes - he's probably just experimenting.. once he has experienced soggy Sandy clothes is there a change he finds out he doesn't like it and won't do it again? How is his language? Does he grasp concepts like the oven is hot so don't touch etc? (not sure how far into the 2years bracket we're looking at)

My son used to be like this - an absolute liability. If we were on a play date and I left him with a friend to say, go to the loo, I felt like I had to tell them five times ‘you HAVE to keep your eye on him’
He’s now just turned four and is SO much better. Still tonnes of energy but more aware of dangers and boundaries. Hopefully yours will go the same way, I know it’s really exhausting.

I totally get this, my 2 year old literally never stays still either, even in his sleep he is the wriggliest person I've ever seen! I certainly couldn't walk along a road with him without holding his hand or have him sit in a chair without being strapped in (we've tried this and he fell out of it because he was wriggling).
I've found that for walks with friends etc, if I bring something that I know will definitely keep him engaged for a little while (in his case, his favourite digger) it gives me just enough respite! I do love his enthusiasm but I wish I could borrow a bit of his energy 😴

My Nan used to say that some toddlers are like sheepdogs in that you need to give them a long run every morning otherwise they just wreck your house and garden!
I don’t mean you have to make your kid do a mini marathon each day but just go somewhere ‘safe’ like an open park and let them burn off energy.
If you’re stuck indoors maybe think about a mini trampoline, play tunnel or a mini paddling pool filled with play balls.

I had one of these! He was also a biter so you had to have your eyes on him ALL THE TIME. It was relentless. I also felt like I was being judged for his behaviour. But the reality was he was still tiny and didn't understand cause and effect. By the time he started school he'd calmed down a lot and he's now the kind of kid, teachers love to have in their class. He's enthusiastic, bright and his behaviour is excellent.

You just have to accept your child for who they are, and parent the child you have, not the child you would like to have.

Practical tips:

1. Think ahead, what are the likely issues going to be and how can you mitigate them. Bring books, toys, spare clothes, etc.
2. Reins! I used to use reins and make him hold my hand. Removes some of the anxiety. People who judge reins probably haven't experienced a bolter!
3. Accept you have to watch them like a hawk. Then watch then like a hawk.
4. Keep them engaged. Talk to them, play with them.
5. Get them outside every day, park or a good run around. My DS still needed this until he was about 6.

Finally, remember this is a phase which will pass.

Thank you for the comments. It's reassuring to see others with similar experiences. What I didn't add before, is that I'm also 34 weeks pregnant. But I didn't want that to overshadow the point of the thread really. The pregnancy has made a big difference for sure to what we're doing at the moment but it's not the whole picture of my ds's behaviour as he was challenging before bless him. Although, my energy levels are obviously not what they were and this probably has effected him. My partner takes ds out for more wearing out type exercise as soon as he's home from work. He will be going yo pre school but not until September. It's been a tough time, especially recently. Lots of mummy guilt but hopefully things will get better.

And totally agree with toddlers being like puppies/dogs. I've often thought that. :)

Swimming!
In addition to the walking/running try to get some swimming into his week - as you will have a newborn soon I would encourage swimming as a lovely with daddy activity.
The whole body feedback from being in water is brilliant for super active kids & mine always slept better after swimming than anything else.

I think changing your mindset will help - right now, you're seeing all this stuff as bad, but honestly, a brave, bright, energetic boy is what you want! Lots of outdoor exercise - proper free play where he can go wild - let him get wet/muddy - and just plan ahead for that, will make dealing with the wildness much easier!! Has he got a balance bike? He sounds like the sort of kid who could be cycling properly before they are three, so it might be worth a bash as that would tire him out!!

I have thought, would I want him any other way. Of course not. He is who he is and of course, we unconditionally love him for all he is. It's just tough when you have a live wire of a child.
This week, he hasn't been particularly well. You'd think that would slow him down but he's actually gone more hyper. The other night, he went to bed at 8 as normal but sat up in his cot story telling, singing and chatting to himself for hours. Not upset at all. He was singing the alphabet at 11.30pm!! This was unusual I have to say and hopefully just a one off but where he gets his energy, I'd love to know.
His language and communication has rapidly picked up recently so I do also wonder if he's also going through a lot of development changes.

The defiance is the hardest thing. We try a little bribery sometimes. Those who mentioned food and snacks. My ds has never been food orientated. I wouldn't say it motivates him. Like I said before, he's one step ahead too. He knows what you're about to say or think before you do! Lol!

Good to hear everyone's ideas and experiences

2 year olds are challenging!! Definitely agree with getting him out to burn energy as much as possible. Also try to tell him what you want him to do rather than what you don’t want or no eg get down from the table, climb over here etc

I could've written this about my 2.5 DS too, plus mine has speech delay. I really don't think all the lockdowns have helped these kids who might have found social development challenging even in normal times. No more tips from me but solidarity!

@PicardsVictorianChild Yes such a good point! lockdown has been very challenging on children. Especially if your two and most of your life has been spend in lock down in your small bubble.

Of course he's pushing boundaries, he wants to know where the line of acceptable behavior lies. He's finding it hard to figure out probably because you don't believe in discipline and you're highly strung (both by your own admission) do him a favour and get time out or something in operation and you'll have a better behaved, content child.

Wow! Bit harsh! I thought the idea of these forums was for a bit of support and solidarity.
"probably because you don't believe in discipline and you're highly strung"

Firstly, I've been a primary school teacher for many years, predominantly working with the youngest year groups too, so believe I'm no stranger to discipline and pretty good at it too in that setting. My partner works in a school for excluded children so equally is pretty good. However, home life obviously brings it's challenges. Our personality types are more anxious than not, that's just how it is. Same with millions of other parents I'm sure.

I do know through my work and my own child that some behaviour strategies work for some children and not others. Time out (or calming down time as I always call it in the classroom) is fine if that works for a particular child or the child is old enough to actually understand it.

Of course he's pushing boundaries, he wants to know where the line of acceptable behavior lies
Exactly this. So many posters appear to be advising tiring your son out, with more exercise etc, perhaps with a view to making him too tired to misbehave.
What is wrong with the word 'no?'
Boundaries need to be put in place at this age. ( I have two children, now both in their mid forties, both successful and we'll adjusted). So I'm speaking from experience, and also from the perspective of a retired teacher.
Your son needs to be told 'no,' very firmly indeed, when he misbehaves. Otherwise how will he know what is acceptable and what isn't?
You appear to have no consequences at all for his bad behaviour, but if you go on pussyfooting around him and 'ignoring the bad behaviour,' you'll be back here in a few years wailing about your out of control teenage.

@Lovelanguedoc I understand that everyone parents differently but with all due respect, you don't know me, you're obviously of a different generation as a parent and as teacher (I say that as a current teacher myself). Not to say that you don't have a point in that saying 'no' is OK, of course it is (which we do with ds by the way) but I was looking for support and parent comoradary, not self righteous, judgemental, military sounding comments like yours. Thank you but no thank you.

Try big little feelings on Instagram. Stay calm but firm and reinforce boundaries. Consistency, both on the same page. Lots of prep and distraction. It works! DS 2.3 responds amazingly to it.