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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not allow 14year DS to have sleepover at his girlfriends?

51 replies

midhyp66 · 23/05/2021 08:31

So DS is third child so not my first rodeo. He thinks it very unreasonable I have said no to the above request. I have 2 older daughters and I wouldn't have allowed them either. To put into context they see each other every day at school and then after school most days until 10pm. I'm a single parent working full time so I have rules, wipe tops after you make food, wipe your pus off bathroom mirror, walk dog etc. Obviously as a 14 Yr old and mother do, we clash but this a whole new other level... He hates me and wants to move out in gf house. I said no to sleepover, I feel the relationship is intense enough as it is, I know if they are gonna have sex they will find a way, I'm just not comfortable in helping them find that way! E have had safe sex respectful sex conversations etc. They have been together 3 months. The girls mum and I have butted heads over this, she thinks it's fine to have DS over to stay the night, trusts they won't do anything, feels I should just do whatever makes them both happy as life is short and happiness is all that counts. So here comes the kicker... The girls mother has told my 14yr old child I am like her abusive ex husband... I'm narcissistic, I have ocd, I'm controlling, I use power as a weapon etc etc! I have met her once for 10 minutes. I'm livid at her!
So am I being unreasonable? How do I get this woman to stop bad mouthing me to my son? I tried telling DS to not to go to their house, he went anyway. Girlfriend is welcome here anytime, just not overnight!! What does an overnight stay add to this romance when they see each other every day?
Am I mad in a sane world or sane in a mad world?

OP posts:

TheSandgroper · 23/05/2021 08:46

You are very much in the right. No other advice, though. Sorry.

TSBelliot · 23/05/2021 08:51

You are right. There is a good chance that the mother will try and invite your child to start to ‘escape’ you. It’s something seen surprisingly regularly. Emotionally unregulated drama queens fucking up everything. Anyway watch for that, you may have to have some compromise strategies and I would concentrate on a bit of love bombing at home while undermining her position whenever possible.

TSBelliot · 23/05/2021 08:52

Sorry - invite him to stay.

StopSayingDueDiligence · 23/05/2021 08:53

I have a 14 year old DS and it would be a firm no from me.

I'm pretty sure the mum wouldn't allow it on the girlfriends end, surely?

StopSayingDueDiligence · 23/05/2021 08:53

Sorry only skimmed the OP, she sounds like a nightmare.

SofiaMichelle · 23/05/2021 08:55

YANBU and I would stop him going to her house, full stop.

You are dangerously close to the disastrous situation that another MNer with a teen son has found herself in due to batshit parenting by the GF's mother.

In what world is at appropriate for the parent of another child to tell yours that you are abusive and narcissistic?!

What a vile fucker your son's GF's mother is. Keep him well away from her.

TwoAndAnOnion · 23/05/2021 08:57

The girls mother has told my 14yr old child I am like her abusive ex husband... I'm narcissistic, I have ocd, I'm controlling, I use power as a weapon etc etc! I have met her once for 10 minutes. I'm livid at her!

Use the best weapon you have - school safeguarding I'd ask for a meeting with pastoral care and carefully worded the she is a poor parenting model, inviting youths over to sleep with her daughter . And you are uncomfortable with it.

Pottedpalm · 23/05/2021 09:01

mDefinitely no! They are probably too much together already. These teen romances become very intense and then it is difficult for one party y to extricate themselves. Or there is s pregnancy.
At 14 I only allowed one evening s week contact after school, for a few hours. Plus weekends but not all day as there were sports commitments etc. They saw each other at school and would chat on the phone after homework.
Have you been reading the thread about the boy who has moved to live with his manipulative girlfriend?

cookiecreampie · 23/05/2021 09:01

My eldest is 12 and no way would I be letting him sleep over at a girlfriend's house in just 2 years time. I'm sure if they really want to have sex they'll find a way, but allowing sleepovers is just giving them a free pass to do it and making it easier for them. Also, it's not up to the other mum to decide what you allow your child to do.

2gorgeousboys · 23/05/2021 09:09

@SofiaMichelle I agree it reminded me of how the situation in the other thread probably started!

To add some context for what other parents allow, DS2 is just 17 and he's only allowed to see his girlfriend after school 3 times during the week and then until 9pm and once or twice at weekends. I think it's good for them to have some balance i.e family time, do homework and hobbies, see other friends.

We have however let DS2's girlfriend stay over although they were in separate rooms on separate floors so no allowing or enabling of sexual activity!

Good luck!

tiredanddangerous · 23/05/2021 09:15

The girls mother thinks two 14 year old who are dating won't "do anything" on a sleepover??? Fucking batshit.

SavoyCabbage · 23/05/2021 09:26

I can't imagine having a boy sleep over with my fourteen year old and imagining nothing happening.

I agree that this is probably how the situation in the other thread started and I'd start treading carefully right from the very beginning.

Start subtlety enabling the other parts of his life. His friends and extra curricular stuff. Start booking things in now that he's interested in so he has other things to look forward to in his life and it's not all about one girl.

It's a good idea to contact one of the safeguarding leads at their school for advice.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/05/2021 09:31

It's a good idea to contact one of the safeguarding leads at their school for advice.

I actually agree with this, even though it is an outside-school issue. The girl's DM is behaving very oddly in regard to her underage daughter, and having some independent eyes on her might make her reevaluate her position.

Octopus37 · 23/05/2021 09:33

It would be a firm no from me as well. My DS1 turns 14 next week and has recently got a girlfriend. I give my DS quite a lot of freedom in comparison with some of his peers, but even so. One question, are you sure the girlfriend's Mum has said all those awful things about you, or is your DS just telling you that, or has his girlfriend told you that his Mum said all those things, when it might not be true. As others have said, think the best thing to do is to go into school and talk to someone about it being a safe guarding issue

BluebellsGreenbells · 23/05/2021 09:37

The issue is that aren’t old enough to deal with the emotional issues around the next level relationships.

You have a duty of care towards your son, so of coarse you control his environment, and will do til he’s 18 and an adult.

I find these parents have difficult daughters (or sons) so your child’s being there makes their life easier - child entertained, child happy etc

Except, when the boy says no to something or does something the girl isn’t happy with, then it’s a roller coaster.

BeaLesshasty · 23/05/2021 09:38

Are you sure the mum has actually said those things to your DS about you? Could they be what the cheeky little shit your DS thinks of you?

And no! to sleepover.

Redwinestillfine · 23/05/2021 09:39

I would call her out on it. Phone her up ' just so you're aware ds has told me this is what you said, I'm sure you didn't but let's work together so he can't play us off against each other. I am parenting him in line with the way I parented his older sisters and he is clearly not emotionally mature enough for this sleepover if he's going to such lengths to try and secure it. Your dd is lovely and welcome here anytime.

Redwinestillfine · 23/05/2021 09:41

And yes- school safeguarding!

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 23/05/2021 09:42

Oh I’m dreading this!

You’re definitely not unreasonable and you’re doing the right thing. 14 is way too young to be almost encouraging sex, my Mum wouldn’t have allowed this either fwiw and I wouldn’t let my DC.

Sillawithans · 23/05/2021 09:44

I have a 14 year old boy and it would be a no from me.
I also have a daughter who will be 14 in June and it would be a no from me too, far too young.

Candleabra · 23/05/2021 09:46

Wow, what a response from the girl's mum. I can see why you're so worried.
You're absolutely right to say no, but it sounds like a difficult situation.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 23/05/2021 09:47

If any boy tried to stay over with my 14 year old dd, he’d be straight out on his ear.

Blueskytoday06 · 23/05/2021 09:49

It's a no from me.

MissMogwai · 23/05/2021 09:52

YANBU. What is the other mother thinking?!

I have older teen daughters and I've had more than my fair share of dilemmas, but
there is no way I'd be allowing sleepovers at 14 with a boyfriend.

I agree with the PP who suggests speaking to safeguarding at school.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 23/05/2021 09:58

The girlfriends dm is weird.Its not normal to actively want your 14yr old to have a sex life imo.I know it isn't a given but with hormones and natural urges its very likely to happen.

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