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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not allow 14year DS to have sleepover at his girlfriends?

51 replies

midhyp66 · 23/05/2021 08:31

So DS is third child so not my first rodeo. He thinks it very unreasonable I have said no to the above request. I have 2 older daughters and I wouldn't have allowed them either. To put into context they see each other every day at school and then after school most days until 10pm. I'm a single parent working full time so I have rules, wipe tops after you make food, wipe your pus off bathroom mirror, walk dog etc. Obviously as a 14 Yr old and mother do, we clash but this a whole new other level... He hates me and wants to move out in gf house. I said no to sleepover, I feel the relationship is intense enough as it is, I know if they are gonna have sex they will find a way, I'm just not comfortable in helping them find that way! E have had safe sex respectful sex conversations etc. They have been together 3 months. The girls mum and I have butted heads over this, she thinks it's fine to have DS over to stay the night, trusts they won't do anything, feels I should just do whatever makes them both happy as life is short and happiness is all that counts. So here comes the kicker... The girls mother has told my 14yr old child I am like her abusive ex husband... I'm narcissistic, I have ocd, I'm controlling, I use power as a weapon etc etc! I have met her once for 10 minutes. I'm livid at her!
So am I being unreasonable? How do I get this woman to stop bad mouthing me to my son? I tried telling DS to not to go to their house, he went anyway. Girlfriend is welcome here anytime, just not overnight!! What does an overnight stay add to this romance when they see each other every day?
Am I mad in a sane world or sane in a mad world?

OP posts:

anxietyanonymous · 23/05/2021 10:04

I agree with PP. You have no evidence that the mother has said those things. If she said anything it will have been twisted and dramatised by the two teenagers to suit their agenda. So i would leave that to one side. There will be some truth in it sure but you just don't know.

I would not allow it either. You are being reasonable. I would blame it on gcses and i would blame it on the law. Perhaps frame it as social services would get involved if you were facilitating an under age sexual relationship and how devastating for all that would be. It might depersonalise some of the heat.

I agree with love bombing him. And possible even including her in some nice things.

Hes going to come up against parents with different rules all the way up to being 18. And sometimes that will be frustrating. But he needs to learn to handle that better. You support their relationship fully but you cannot support that small part. That needs to be gently suggested until he believes it.

I think you need to be clear with yourself that if they are together so often and until 10pm you will not be able to prevent sex. They will not wait for a sleep over to do that. But i think there are a lot of other reasons to not allow a sleep over not just sex.

Summercocktailsinthesnow · 23/05/2021 10:04

Too young to bring a baby into the world.

CrotchetyQuaver · 23/05/2021 10:09

Are you absolutely sure the girls mother actually said this? My DD used to do everything she could to stop me talking direct to her friends parents and I'm convinced most of that was based around manipulating the situation to her best advantage. I would wonder if that's the case here.

Only one way to find out and that's speak to the mother one to one.

Original poster

midhyp66 · 23/05/2021 10:16

Safeguarding with CP was first on my list on Monday. We both work in healthcare and have good knowledge of child protection which makes this even worse!!! My son barely grunts at me but lovebombing is a good way to try to go. Unfortunately since lockdown has lifted his gf is his only interest and sees his friends less and less. Unfortunately what had been said about me is true, it was said directly through text to me. My DS confirmed she had spoken this to him too, so she is the holy grail of mothers in his eyes and I'm just this unreasonable witch at home determined to steal all his happiness

OP posts:

Yokey · 23/05/2021 10:21

@TwoAndAnOnion

The girls mother has told my 14yr old child I am like her abusive ex husband... I'm narcissistic, I have ocd, I'm controlling, I use power as a weapon etc etc! I have met her once for 10 minutes. I'm livid at her!

Use the best weapon you have - school safeguarding I'd ask for a meeting with pastoral care and carefully worded the she is a poor parenting model, inviting youths over to sleep with her daughter . And you are uncomfortable with it.

I mean, this is the nuclear option, but definitely worth considering. If you haven't spoken directly to the mother, that might be worth trying first. "My son has said some concerning things and I'm sure it can't be true but it would be irresponsible of me not to ask you about it given it's potentially a safeguarding issue. Obviously if someone is grooming my son, I'd need to report it to the school"

ihavethehighground · 23/05/2021 10:21

Definitely ring school. Huge safeguarding issue. Protect your son and the girl !

newnortherner111 · 23/05/2021 10:25

You are 100% right in your decision OP.

I would check that the other mum does approve, as @Yokey suggests, and in the positive manner concerned. Remember your DS has a lot of role models for boys/men lying to get what they are looking for with a girl/woman, and not all of them are footballers or singers.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 23/05/2021 10:31

I'd be straight into family counselling. Someone impartial to help you talk to each other, and hopefully open his eyes. And I would sit down with him now to set up some boundaries. Have a talk about how wonderful relationships are but one if the pit falls is losing yourself. We've all done it. Got too into a relationship and let everything else slide, and we all regret it later. Just try to have a heart ti heart about that sort of thing, and talk about how he is doing nothing else but seeing her. Talk about how isolating that is, how unhealthy it is. Ask him what you can do about it; a sports clubs, a game night with his friends coming over, whatever. Just get a few nights a week where he does not go to see her.
How old are his sisters? Are they old enough to have a chat with him about this?

Notcontent · 23/05/2021 10:31

Yes, actually it is a safeguarding issue. Ultimately there is a reason why we as s society don’t think it’s a good idea for under 16s to have sex. Sometimes we can’t stop them but a parent should not actively be trying to facilitate sex between 14 year olds. They are still children.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 23/05/2021 10:33

And yes to the school safeguarding team.

Isnt there any sort of crime here? An adult grooming a child to turn against his parents and stay at their home to have sex with their (also child) daughter?

Mumoftwo1990 · 23/05/2021 10:34

@midhyp66

So DS is third child so not my first rodeo. He thinks it very unreasonable I have said no to the above request. I have 2 older daughters and I wouldn't have allowed them either. To put into context they see each other every day at school and then after school most days until 10pm. I'm a single parent working full time so I have rules, wipe tops after you make food, wipe your pus off bathroom mirror, walk dog etc. Obviously as a 14 Yr old and mother do, we clash but this a whole new other level... He hates me and wants to move out in gf house. I said no to sleepover, I feel the relationship is intense enough as it is, I know if they are gonna have sex they will find a way, I'm just not comfortable in helping them find that way! E have had safe sex respectful sex conversations etc. They have been together 3 months. The girls mum and I have butted heads over this, she thinks it's fine to have DS over to stay the night, trusts they won't do anything, feels I should just do whatever makes them both happy as life is short and happiness is all that counts. So here comes the kicker... The girls mother has told my 14yr old child I am like her abusive ex husband... I'm narcissistic, I have ocd, I'm controlling, I use power as a weapon etc etc! I have met her once for 10 minutes. I'm livid at her! So am I being unreasonable? How do I get this woman to stop bad mouthing me to my son? I tried telling DS to not to go to their house, he went anyway. Girlfriend is welcome here anytime, just not overnight!! What does an overnight stay add to this romance when they see each other every day? Am I mad in a sane world or sane in a mad world?

I'd maybe try to speak to your son and be real about the legalities because while yes they're most likely having sex and all teenagers do it (I did). If her mum wanted she could report him and that would be horrendous, she doesn't sound like someone he should be trusting but teenagers can be naive and don't think ahead.

bubblebath62636 · 23/05/2021 10:36

I think your son's full of shit op, he's simply making out the mother is cool with it.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 23/05/2021 10:43

@bubblebath62636

The mother text the OP directly saying that stuff. The thread is only 2 pages long and the OP has only posted a few times. It really isnt difficult to read what she has said.

Original poster

midhyp66 · 23/05/2021 10:44

God I wish this was true bubblebath62636 but I have it direct from the horses mouth!

OP posts:

Rathmobhaile · 23/05/2021 10:50

Yanbu. I've an 18 year old ds and a 23 year old dd. Neither would have been allowed a romantic partner to stay at that age.

I think the suggestion of family therapy is a good one. It puts a neutral person in the mix.

I'd also ask him how he would feel if one of your friends said those things about him and you didn't defend him. How would he feel?

Are his sisters an option to talk to him? Kind of "mom's a pain some times with her rules but they are there to look after you and it gets better as you get older" type of talk.

I'd inform him of the law around sexual relationships - I'm guessing you have but maybe talk about what could happen if the girl made an accusation against him. That would be one of my concerns that when they split up he would be accused of something.

Book some stuff to do with family. Let him be reminded its not all rules, it can be fun as well.

Get him to have his friends over and just dilute her so he's spending less time with her. I'm wondering if he had some freedom to do some stuff like this (freedom from her not from you) would she start to put pressure on him to be with her all the time? Would he start to find it restrictive and annoying?

You sound like a great mom having a hard time.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 23/05/2021 10:51

OP has updated to confirm the other mother 100% said those things.

YANBU and I’m livid on your behalf. What is it with some parents? She’s clearly a shitty permissive parent. I’m always at parents who claim that they only thing that matters is that their child is happy, so there are barely any rules. They can cope when their ‘spirited’ kids are small but it backfires when they are out of control teens not used to having any boundaries.

The other mum can’t handle her DD and needs your son to distract/placate her to make her own life easier. Don’t allow your son to be caught up with these people, because next thing she’ll be pregnant which I’m sure the other mum will think is great.

Speak to the safeguarding team on Monday. Maybe speak to his older sisters who are closer in age to him to see how they think they may be able to help untangle their brother from this crazy family.

dottiedodah · 23/05/2021 11:18

I honestly cant understand how the other Mum feels happy about her (presumably) same age daughter having a BF stay the night! She is deluded if she thinks they wont have Sex! What happens if her daughter gets pregnant? Also your DS will be guilty of under age sex! Maybe speak to the School if you can .I would take her words about you with a pinch of salt anyway.

Mandsy100 · 23/05/2021 12:30

Your ds is a child. A child, he is too big for his boots and needs to be brought down to earth. This woman is harassing you and needs to be told this.

Candleabra · 23/05/2021 13:00

Has all the mum correspondence come by text message?
There's no way the teenagers could have got a spare phone/mobile number and be communicating as though they were the mum?

52andblue · 23/05/2021 13:12

@TwoAndAnOnion

Great idea - but you do need a School who is remotely interested. Most will pass the buck back as it is 'happening outside school'.

I'd be wanting to keep him away from girl and Mother too.
How you achieve that is more difficult.
If it turns into an 'independence from controlling Mum' scenario (which other mother is pushing hard) then you will lost, at least temporarily. Then he might 'move out' / they get Pg / SS involvement.

workworkworkugh · 23/05/2021 13:19

I have a thread going at the moment about my 16yo DS, we were in your shoes in October regarding the sleep overs, a PP was right, it's nearly exactly how it started for us.
I know my DS is older than yours and we're still navigating through it and I honestly don't think anything we've done is the right thing, I second guess myself constantly, But I can say, step in now while you can. Do whatever it takes to get him away from the GF and her mum.
Our DS has recently moved in with his GF and her enabling parents and we're struggling to get him back and out of this toxic situation.

LaBellina · 23/05/2021 13:23

Sorry OP but if they want to have sex they definitely will - don’t need to wait for a sleepover for that. Make sure you have a talk with him about safe sex and let him know where he can find condoms.

That said, I wouldn’t allow the sleepover either, wouldn’t do it in normal circumstances but esspecially not with the mother of the girl being a nasty shit stirring person.

Maray1967 · 23/05/2021 14:37

As PP has said, you need to know for certain that these words are the mother’s not the daughters. I’d phone her and ask her - you then know what you’re dealing with. If it is her, then I would take this to school and ask for support. If so this sounds like he might well be being taken away from you quite deliberately.
There is no way he should be at hers that late so I’d try to end that.

JackieTheFart · 23/05/2021 14:47

@SofiaMichelle

YANBU and I would stop him going to her house, full stop.

You are dangerously close to the disastrous situation that another MNer with a teen son has found herself in due to batshit parenting by the GF's mother.

In what world is at appropriate for the parent of another child to tell yours that you are abusive and narcissistic?!

What a vile fucker your son's GF's mother is. Keep him well away from her.

I agree with this.

Quaggars · 23/05/2021 15:21

I've a 14 year old, not a chance!!
YANBU
ESPECIALLY as the girl's mum sounds an absolute fucking nightmare, I wouldn't want him anywhere near him!
Whole thing sounds like a complete mess.
Tell her (politely to go do one and ignore her, stick to your gut.

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