To be raging about the breast milk

[theITcrowd]

NC'd for this

I'm seething and genuinely want to know if I'm over reacting.

DS is 4 months and mostly formula fed. We have 1 or 2 bf sessions in a day and I pump approx 4oz per day. I save the breast milk until I have 6oz then I warm it up and give it to him in a bottle.
It takes me an hour to pump 2oz so every drop is precious.

Earlier this evening a can of coke exploded in the fridge so DH took it all apart and cleaned it all.

There was 5oz of breast milk in the fridge.

Earlier I went to add to the harvest but couldn't find the bottle.
It turns out DH threw the breast milk out whilst he was cleaning the fridge.

He said it was beside the sink, amongst 2 other bottles with various amounts of formula milk in them. How could he possibly know that one contained breast milk (I had initially emptied the fridge and placed the bottle near the sink)

I said he should have known it was breast milk bc it was freezing cold and he knows there is always a bottle with breast milk in the fridge... he should have checked.

He said I'm being ridiculous to expect him to know which bottles had bm in them. His hands were cold from clearing out the fridge so didn't know the difference.

I'm just so sad that so much work goes into every drop and he just fucked it down the sink.

Now we aren't talking.

Who is bu?

I once spilt breast milk that I’d pumped and was about to feed my child. A whole bottle gone. I cried. Pumping is hard work.

However, now it’s done try to calm down. Can you put anything in place so it doesn’t happen again? Eg label it, put it on a specific shelf in the fridge, never leave it by the sink ?

I'd be upset too but wouldn't expect dh to see it like i did. I once had ti have a scan and express and throw away everything over 24 hrs. Now that did upset me!
As an aside, i think you're extremely dedicated pumping for an hour! I exclusively bf one but mixed fed another. It used to take me 5mins to fill a bottle. Not a brag or anything, just wondering what pump you're using, are you getting enough water /calories etc, when you pump? I used medela swing. I agree with pp with twins (i had twins) that 5mins pumping after a feed was a good way to build up milk.
Also i mixed fed from boob and bottle and had no issues. Don't know your reasons for bottle but might be worth it.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland What pump do you use?

I think you’re probably annoyed at yourself and subconsciously blaming DH because you’re so frustrated with it.
You took the milk out of the fridge and placed it with several half full dirty bottles of milk. You didn’t label it or tell DH what it was.
He simply washed up all the ‘dirty’ bottles next to the sink. Yes, it would have been handy if he’d noticed that one was colder than the others but I don’t think you could expect it or be annoyed that he didn’t.
Yes it’s upsetting that the milk is lost but it’s no ones fault. It was an accident. You need to let it go (and maybe apologise to him 😬)

Sorry but I think YABU. Stuff beside sink goes down drain and I can see why your husband did it if there was old bottles of formula too.
But I understand why you feel that way

I once spilled a whole bottle of milk because a spider ran across the floor and when I leaned over to get it the bottle tipped and the whole lot spilled out. It had taken me ages (hours) to pump and I had done extra to get ahead.
When it spilled I was like "no, please no!" dH ran Into the room thinking something was wrong with DS who was a couple of weeks old. I was so frustrated I ran into my bedroom and screamed into my pillow so as not to wake DS.
I cried and cried.

I can look back and laugh now, bit god it was demoralising at the time.

@MrsTerryPratchett no you are wrong. OP said SHE put it by the sink not DH.

Id be cross, it's hard earned. However at least he cleaned the fridge. Label your bottle going forward, forgive, tomorrow is another day.

@21Flora

I exclusively pumped until 8 months and still do two pumps a day at 11. Have you been fitted correctly for the shield part of the pump? It makes an enormous difference to how much milk is removed by the pump. I’m fitted to a 17mm nipple shield and they usually come with a standard of 24mm. The volume of milk is very different!

This is so true about the nipple nozzle size. In hospital I had been given a standard size and had used it every 2 hours for the first 24 hours and my nipples were rubbing on the inside plastic. I actually asked the nurse if they had larger sizes and she felt sorry for me that I'd spent the first day being so uncomfortable. Larger size helped so much.

I have a medala pump and it's definitely worth the money

My OH forgot to shut the fridge door over night and we lost about 7 bottles of expressed milk... I cried but we didn’t fall out as it was a genuine mistake

Is he stupid or not involved not to know exactly how much effort goes into pumping.

He sounds like a tit.

I remember reading once 'anyone who says you shouldn't cry over spilled milk clearly hasn't had to express breast milk.' OP

My DH accidentally left the freezer open and wasted 50+ bags of expressed breastmilk that I had been saving for when I went to back to work.

I was devastated and just sat by the freezer quietly weeping, it it was an accident and there was nothing to be gained from being angry.

I think I would be upset but it’s an easy mistake to make and I wouldn’t hold it against him.

Forgive my ignorance - but why exclusively pump? Is this a result of marketing of pumps, bottles and complicated sterilising systems?
I know bf isn't easy but pumping is so much harder

@fiftiesmum I can't answer for everyone but I exclusively pumped for ds1 for almost 3 months as he wouldn't latch at all and it was important to me that he got breastmilk in the early days

@fiftiesmum Thank you for your insightful comment. I have fallen prey to that evil marketing of breast pumps. I saw an advert for a pump and am so dim, I thought yes. I’ll spend a year of my life attached a pump for the fun of it. I’d not noticed that pumping was infinitely harder.

Or maybe I had a baby with a severe tongue tie during a world wide pandemic when there was absolutely no breastfeeding support. Maybe the midwife at hospital who was helping said I’d never breastfeeding despite my best efforts because my breasts were too big and nipples to flat. Maybe people have babies in NICU, maybe people have babies with cleft palettes. Maybe you could think a little before posting such stupid things.

I had a freezer full of breast milk. There were probably 30 bags or more of milk in there. Was storing it up for when I went back to work. One night, in the middle of the hottest part of the Australian summer with stinking hot nights, my husband left the freezer door open. Everything had thawed by the time I realised. It was all ruined. He had no idea why I was so upset. I cried on the phone to a woman the breastfeeding association line who had told me it couldn’t be salvaged. The kind soul said similar had happened to her when the power went out during a cyclone.

I know it’s hard but this sort of really unfortunate shit happens and it feels like a kick in the guts. But you’ll feel better. I promise.

@fiftiesmum

Forgive my ignorance - but why exclusively pump? Is this a result of marketing of pumps, bottles and complicated sterilising systems? I know bf isn't easy but pumping is so much harder

Ds1 didn’t latch for 3 and a half weeks

Thats not long but it was hard work

After that to be fair i pumped enough to give to the hospital and didn’t have a problem with further children

But i can absolutely sympathise with the OP its very upsetting when any of that hard fought for milk is wasted

@fiftiesmum some babies won't/can't latch due to tongue tie/other medical conditions/feeding tube. Some want to give breastmilk but suffer aversion to feeding directly, could be due to abuse for example, sometimes due to hormones. Some people go back to work earlier than others. Some prefer to know exactly how much milk baby is getting. Lots of people don't get the support they need to feed exactly how they'd like to. There are lots of reasons!

@diavlo

My DH accidentally left the freezer open and wasted 50+ bags of expressed breastmilk that I had been saving for when I went to back to work. I was devastated and just sat by the freezer quietly weeping, it it was an accident and there was nothing to be gained from being angry.

I hadn’t RTFT when I posted. My commiserations.

Massive over reaction. I’m still pumping at over a year and yes I understand it takes time and it isn’t easy. However you need to label bottles. I always label with date so that husband is aware. I’ve had to bin a months supply once (frozen); you’ll just produce more. Baby will be fine especially if they are drinking formula.

Yup I'd be fuming and devastated. Angry with frustration as well. BM was like liquid gold in this house.
If he could just try to understand how excruciatingly difficult it is to build up to 5oz then I suppose you wouldn't be so mad at him.

Thanks everyone. After some sleep, your advice and some perspective I've calmed down. I'm not going to fall out with him over it, it was an accident. His lack of remorse and quickness to blame me just made me so angry!!!

I pump bc DS is tongue tied and has a shallow latch. When he was born he was taken straight to icu and tube fed for the first 2 days. I didn't get to hold him until day 3 so those important first hours and days were missed. He only gets a little breast milk but it makes me happy that he at least gets some. Also he's flipping massive so I probably couldn't keep up with him anyway!

I really appreciate all your advice... can always count on the Mumsnet jury!

I'm with him tbh. I can see why you are upset but you put it by the sink with the washing up. He isn't the oracle. It was your mistake, putting it with the dirty bottles.

Glad you’ve been able to move on OP. His lack of empathy was worse than his mistake. Everything is more difficult (for both of you) in the throes of sleep deprivation.