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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be terrified about the future for me and DD?

45 replies

WhereTheFuck · 23/05/2021 00:50

Can anyone help? I am separated from my husband after he had an affair and left for the other woman. We have a 19 month old DD and I am going to be 42 this year. I am utterly terrified of what my future will look like as a single parent in her forties... How will I ever find someone? How can I protect DD from the effects of this awful situation that I didn't choose for her?

To complicate matters, although H and I are currently co-parenting, we live abroad and I want to return to the UK with DD next summer (for a support network etc) so H will not be able to be involved in the same way. He is supportive of my wish to move back though and I am sure he won't block it. But my main issue is the one of being a single mum with a small DD. I just never thought I would have to bring her up alone Sad

OP posts:
2ndtimemum2 · 23/05/2021 00:56

I'm.sorry op that sounds like a horrible situation. I'm a single parent in my 30s and to be honest at the moment I'm focusing on my kids and putting dating on the back burner. You will get into a routine with your daughter and dating will be much easier as she gets older. Kids adapt to the life they have and you sound like she is your main focus. Just make happy memories with her. All any of us can do is our best and that will be enough x

Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 23/05/2021 01:25

Thanks, I agree about putting dating on the back burner for a while, but I don't want to end up alone :(

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 23/05/2021 01:27

There is nothing terrifying about single for a while. As far as coming back to the UK, do you have skills that will get you employment here? Will your ex husband pay child maintenance. I would be making plans to make yourself as employable as possible when you return to the UK.

Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 23/05/2021 01:32

Yes, I have a profession which will enable me to be easily employable thank goodness

OP posts:
jimmyjammy001 · 23/05/2021 01:36

You won't be single forever, once your kids grow up there will be other singlet dad's in the same position when you do start dating again

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/05/2021 01:39

Make sure you check what you need legally to be able to resettle with DD and get it now. That's the most important thing when you're overseas with a child and want to get home. It depends on the country.

JustLyra · 23/05/2021 01:41

Is there a reason you are waiting until next summer?

I’d be concerned that your ex will change his mind between now and then. The longer you are there the more it’s likely to be considered your DD’s residence and the harder it will be to leave if he objects.

Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 23/05/2021 01:52

I have to wait until next summer for many reasons, job contract, apartment contract etc. I am not worried about ex objecting tbh, although I am taking into account what you're saying.

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Rainbowqueeen · 23/05/2021 02:36

Op you will be fine
DD is so young she won’t remember any other life. You are moving to be with support so you won’t be alone. You are easily employable
You can make your own happiness. Embrace the freedom to do your own thing that being single brings.

Change is always scary but it’s better than being with someone and still feeling alone.

Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 23/05/2021 06:07

Bumping this in case anyone is up. Feeling very bleak right now

OP posts:
Fruityfriday · 23/05/2021 06:16

I've been a lone parent for 9yrs. In my 40's I love it. I don't feel alone

DinosaurDiana · 23/05/2021 06:22

Why do you need to find someone ? Can’t you be happy on your own ?
And as for the awful situation, your daughter has two parents who love her, and she won’t know any difference.

Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 23/05/2021 06:22

@Fruityfriday how do you manage not to feel alone? Do you date, or are you just happy to be on your own?

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Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 23/05/2021 06:26

@DinosaurDDino I don't really want to be alone tbh, I mean I don't mind in the short term but I want to be settled with someone in the future. I am an only child and my parents are quite elderly, just worried about nobody having my back, you know?

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Whydoelephants · 23/05/2021 06:27

I’m a single parent with one dc through choice, and have been since the beginning (adoption). We have a wonderful happy life with lots of friends and dc is thriving. I be honest, hearing the daily moans and grumbles of my partnered friends and colleagues, I’m so grateful for how things are for us.

Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 23/05/2021 06:28

Sorry @DinosaurDiana, not sure how your name got mangled there!

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Newnormal99 · 23/05/2021 06:29

Another loan parent in 40's here. Honestly between work and my DD I have no rime / energy to date!

I'm perfectly happy on my own! As I was before I was with their dad.

If I met someone then great but Tbh not sure if I would want to live with anyone again.

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 23/05/2021 06:29

My two are older but the eldest has additional needs that make him quite challenging. I found someone. He loves me and accepts my children. It can happen.

Right now though you need to process and focus on practicalities. Try and get an agreement in writing from your ex that he's ok for you to leave the country. They agree to anything Ave everything when they're feeling guilty, but it's amazing how fast the guilt wears off and suddenly you're the one being unreasonable. Get it sorted now, seriously.

I'm sorry this has happened. It's shit. Lots of us have been there and there is a life the other side of it x

vampirethriller · 23/05/2021 06:33

I'm a single parent to a nearly 3 year old, I'm 40 this year. It's hard yes and I've no family in this country, lost my job while pregnant and am very far from having enough money but, what we have is all ours. We do fun things even if it's just going to see the ducks in a different park. We go to the city farm, we grow things in the allotment. Dating is going to have to wait until my daughter is older but there's not an age limit on finding love.
My ex has never seen his daughter. I didn't plan for that. We were together five years. He just decided he didn't want me or a baby. It's alright though. I'd rather that than a bad relationship like my parents, or him in and out of our lives.
Honestly I'm happier now than I have been in a long time.

EnoughnowIthink · 23/05/2021 06:38

OP - give yourself some time to come to terms with it all. It’s not what you wanted for your little one and you do need to grieve for how you thought it would be. The other issue is the negativity towards single parents and I know myself I really had to check my prejudices and rethink a bit. Very hard. Single parents all have individual stories, frequently sad, occasionally tragic, but almost all representing a very different upbringing from what their parents envisioned when pregnant.

It gets easier. You meet others and realise it’s not just you. Other children in the class will have had similar experiences. You can build a life and make it work - there will be more compromise than you wanted, and your life will be all work and child and not much else for a while, but it gets easier and you will get used to your own ‘new normal’.

As a warning, people can be insensitive and I’ve had some really bitchy stuff directed at me in the playground over the years. Usually stuff spoken a little too loudly, with all the theatrics, about ‘single mum....benefits....too many uncles’. To be clear, I work full time and am eternally single! The queen bee types are the strongly opinionated ones with something to say. I found dignified silence the easiest thing and I have been ruthless over the years about who I rely on as a friend, who I add on Facebook etc.

Keep smiling. You can do it and you can do it really well!

Alwayscalminacrisis · 23/05/2021 06:56

I was on my own for several years with 3 DC. And yes, I wondered how I had ended up alone and if I would have another relationship after 40.
The time I had alone with my DC was so important for me and them to adjust and my relationships with them improved dramatically. I am very grateful, looking back, that I didn’t focus on finding another partner at that time.
I do know someone who moved a new partner in 6 months after her marriage broke down. And then kicked him out 3 months later. And then moved another one in shortly after... and kicked him out a few months later... and she’s now on number 3 - this one has been around for several years but new father figures moving in and out was unsettling for her dc who were still trying to adjust to their parents’ break up.
I do empathise, it can feel very overwhelming and scary because it’s not what you planned. I would concentrate on getting back to the UK and established again. Re-establish friendships and build a support network and you will be in a much better place to think about a future relationship.
I met DH, who had his own DC, several years after the dust had settled from our respective divorces.

VaguelyInteresting · 23/05/2021 07:03

LP here- have been single since DS was 6 months old- he’s now 5.

Am a little younger than you (35) but have 0 intention to date any time soon and can’t say I’m worried about “ending up alone”?
To be honest I don’t see where between DS, work, housework and family and friends, I’d have time for dating, and I’d rather not stretch myself even thinner, for the sake of a relationship that I frankly don’t need, except to conform to what society expects of me. And I have less interest in that than dating.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 23/05/2021 07:08

There are worse things than being alone!
Im a single parent in my forties who split when ds was 3 , he's 7 now .
I've worried about lots of things but getting a boyfriend wasn't one of them.

AtlasPine · 23/05/2021 07:11

I divorced at 40 after 20 years marriage. Remarried at 50. Had a very happy time in the interim being single. Don’t be scared. You have a chance to be autonomous and build a beautiful relationship with your child.

Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 23/05/2021 07:15

Thanks for all the positive messages. I'm in awe of you all, your strength and independence. Just feeling like a complete failure at the moment. We were only together for 7 years and married for 5

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