AIBU to be terrified about the future for me and DD?

[WhereTheFuck]

Can anyone help? I am separated from my husband after he had an affair and left for the other woman. We have a 19 month old DD and I am going to be 42 this year. I am utterly terrified of what my future will look like as a single parent in her forties... How will I ever find someone? How can I protect DD from the effects of this awful situation that I didn't choose for her?

To complicate matters, although H and I are currently co-parenting, we live abroad and I want to return to the UK with DD next summer (for a support network etc) so H will not be able to be involved in the same way. He is supportive of my wish to move back though and I am sure he won't block it. But my main issue is the one of being a single mum with a small DD. I just never thought I would have to bring her up alone

Separated at 39, finally got divorce at 44 (exH dragged that out), got married again at 48.
The first four years I was just finding myself again, building my relationship with my daughter.
Definitely find yourself, before you throw yourself into another relationship.

OP if you don’t want to be alone, you won’t be. I absolutely loved being single and now I love being with my partner. You’ll be fine you’re just freaking out about change and it’s TOTALLY NORMAL because your ex has made you feel sh*t and insecure.

I’m 42 and I got together at 39 with a man with kids. Lots of the men/women dating in their forties have children. You won’t be unwanted or unlovable because of being 40+ or having children. Just make sure you’re not diving into something too fast and choosing someone inappropriate because you’re scared to be alone.

Being single is awesome! I loved it! And because I loved it I didn’t settle until I found a good one.

Chin up.
Tits out.
ONWARD! Xx

Are you moving back to a network of family or friends? What you need is a kick-ass support network.

Focus on building up your support network of strong women and friends for your daughter. If your focus is men because your worry is being single, you'll make poor choices.

And haven't failed because your relationship ended.

I was in a similar position and the same age as you OP although not abroad. My child's father has no contact at all and we are fine. I think the biggest challenge for me was financial in the younger years (full time nursery fees!) But things are much much easier now. I have not dated since and am very used to being the only adult in the house. You will be fine I promise.

Hi OP, I am 51 and have been a sole parent for over 23 years, with one DD. Like you, I came back to the UK with her and with trepidation. She was six (her father walked out soon after she was born) and I too didn't want to be alone. However, I genuinely didn't have time to feel lonely - working full time and having her, plus friends and family I'd reunited with, meant a full life.

I started dating when she reached secondary school age and met some nice men but was very sure that I wasn't moving anyone in until I was 100% certain about them, with the result that she and I still live happily alone. I am back dating now that restrictions have lifted but pretty sure that I would never want to share my living space with anyone, once DD moves out.

Take it a day at a time and it will all work out fine. Wishing you all the very best.

I was very unexpectedly widowed in my early forties. . Ten years ago with two kids. You just keep putting one foot in front of another when you can. Very lucky to have a good family and career.
For me dating wasn't in the mix for a long time but have dated over the past few years.

It's a strange one, as at the start you have been used to doing most things as a couple, life decisions, parenting. Then all of a sudden it's all down to you. It's bloody hard work!
I'm in a good place now. Youngest is almost 18 and they are fantastic kids which makes me so happy.
On the dating side I'm happy to date but not sure I'd live with someone again. . Kind of like things as they are :)
Give yourself a little time to find your feet. Take a step back when you need to. It's not a race. Jumping into a relationship to quickly maybe not the best idea until emotions are calmer and you know what you want and expect from it

if it helps to keep the hopes up... My son ALWAYS comes first and I don’t need a man, but I enjoy having the company of one.

I have managed 3 longish very healthy relationships since I split from my exH just before 40. If it wasn’t for my fear to get married another time, which stems from the trauma of my divorce, I could have easily agreed to marry either of them, they are lovely men who were/are very nice to both DS and I.

You don’t need to stay alone forever, just to find a time to accommodate a social life apart of bringing your child up. I found this time by ensuring DS was in a good routine, with a child in bed at 7, I was able to have other mums, friends or neighbours coming for a coffee or dinner. Things became a bit tricky when DS stop sleeping early when he was about 8, but by then I had a solid relationship and good friendships that accommodated both DS and I in terms of needs and schedules.

People seem to think that raising a child alone is a tragedy, it doesn’t need to be like that, with the exception of the loss of the second income to which we accommodated quickly, I found that raising a happy child on your own is actually much easier and less traumatic than trying to raise one in a relationship that has gone stale. I wish more women had the courage to leave rather than insisting in raising children in dysfunctional or toxic relationships.

I was one of those that got stuck in another country because my ex, who never had an issue about me going back home with DS, changed his mind the moment he saw me taking steps to move. So I would say, forget about the contract and move back ASAP before your ex changes his mind as you may get trapped there, but if you do... remember you can have a good life wherever you are provide you accept the situation and embrace your new life, whatever shape it comes in.

I returned to uk with ds when he was 2 after his dad had an affair.

I was 26 and I'm 40 now.

I've enjoyed being alone and never felt I wanted a relationship but know you had have one later in life if you choose.

I work, ds is heavily involved in a sport and I've made friends that way and also have other friends.

I'm finding as we get later on in our lives everyone has more of a life away from their family and so I'm no different and as ds was growing up everyone tended to do stuff in mums and kids groups or groups of families so much I never got left aside that way either.

My mother n law remarried at 82 years of age, having been with her now husband about twelve years of widowhood. I can’t comment on the complexities of single parenthood, but I know you are never too old to find love.

I think it’s wise to find your new life first. To settle in to new homes, new jobs, new friendships and who knows where you’ll find a future partner?

Lone parent, will be 44 this year. I have a boyfriend, don’t want a live in partner. I’m very happy! DD and I went trampolining and then out for lunch yesterday. My OH brought round takeaway and watched a film with me last night. Today DD and I are off swimming. Might see OH this afternoon if either of us is in the mood.

You will adjust as you move forward (not into that saying but it is true)
Progress into your new life and be open to change not hesitant.
When you are a single parent your support is different sometimes more supportive friends and family.
Any age is never to old to move on in a new relationship
You have a career that is fantastic, you are able to move to family so your major hurdles are intact being income and support.
The dad can use zoom and phone calls and you will work towards contact that suits all of you.
I do not care what anyone says except children learn to adapt and it is the new normal for them.. your dd may go through some upset and resentment etc but that is normal in the process.
Single parents has plenty of valuable advantages of having it your way parenting and making your own decisions.
You will be looking back in a few years in a better head space and place.
--try and keep a good relationship going with the dad in relation to parenting and decisions if you can.
see it as a opportunity for a better way of life and security.

I think you will find it easier as your lo gets a bit older and better company.

You can meet someone later if you want.

Being alone can be liberating. I feel sad that there is a mentality that being alone is the worst and must be resolved urgently.

I’ve been alone a long time and honestly, have become very content about it. A couple of years ago, I realised why. I have a good job, home, am happy with my life, do things exactly the way I want. I like myself. What can a partner add to that that would not takeaway from what I have? The bar is incredibly high and there fore the pool is smaller - and thats OK.

I know its not much comfort right now, but you will be fine. You’re doing well, you will continue to do so.

I think the two most important things to remind yourself is 1) this isn’t a disaster and 2) you don’t have to rebuilt all of your life at once.

For now focus on putting into place what you and your daughter will need in the UK - home near a good school, job, nursery, transport, any paperwork you need to return, solicitor re your separation arrangements, child support, separating pensions, home equity etc (as PPs say best to assume that your Ex will get tricksy at some point so figure out what order to tackle things in to get yourself back to the UK safety as that seems to be the main thing.)

All of the above will keep you VERY busy, and when you get back to the UK I’d imagine you’ll need a good year to get everything settled for you and your d.

Once you are settled, then sure - crack on with dating, but there is no age limit on finding a life partner so you when you do decide to start dating you might want to enjoy being single and just meet people and get an idea of who will fit in with your life for a bit.

I get the impression you are worrying about dating now as part of mourning for your marriage - that is very human but it’s important to get clarity in your head about this so you can focus on building a life for yourself and DD. This might not be what you planned but it can be a great life for you both.

I've been a lone parent for 7 years now. DD's still primary aged now but were baby and nursery age at the time. At first I was desperate to meet someone, felt like I couldn't do it alone but over time I've realised I really can and prefer it that way.

It isn’t the end of the world to be alone, OP. I was widowed the day before my 36th birthday, with two babies.
That was 30 years ago. I never remarried, as no one could ever replace my much loved DH, but I have had a busy life as a hospital doctor and single parent. Now I’m retired and enjoying my hobbies.
You soon learn the skills you need, like DIY etc, and become strong and independent, because you have to. Yes it is hard and exhausting, but also satisfying.
Don’t rush into dating, or settle for someone awful, out of fear of being alone. A good man may or may not come along, but you will still have a life.

Forgot to add I'm 42 this year. I'm sure I'll meet someone eventually but it's way down my priority list

as PPs say best to assume that your Ex will get tricksy at some point so figure out what order to tackle things in to get yourself back to the UK safety as that seems to be the main thing

This - my experience is they start to waver when their own families get involved. MIL wants to know why beloved grandchild being taken from her with no reference to son’s causing breakup of marriage

I love being a single parent, although my exh is involved. Can't help with the dating side though as I don't date, I'm not really interested. I don't need a man to have a fulfilling life.