Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My husband plays golf 2x per week AND takes the car

30 replies

Aimsmv · 22/05/2021 19:19

So h plays golf every weekend and one weeknight every week and takes the car. We only have one car as he sold our second one during lockdown. I have a five month old baby and a two year old. And my parents/family live on the other side of the world. I feel a blackout rage every time he plays golf. He says I can take the same time for myself but all I want is 1-2 hours of me time which he does give me but again takes the car and takes the kids to his mums. Thoughts? Am I being a victim?

OP posts:

NiceGerbil · 22/05/2021 19:21

He's gone for hours I assume?

Sat and sun and one night a week?

What does he say when you say this isn't on leaving me with the kids all the time and taking the car.

People always say tell him you need the same time which makes sense in theory but in practice many esp with a 5 mo don't really want to be going out all just to make a point!

Parker231 · 22/05/2021 19:23

Why does he take the car when you need it? Would be better if you dropped him off at golf so you could have the car. Why is he playing golf every weekend when he’s a young family?

He doesn’t sound much of a family man.

NiceGerbil · 22/05/2021 19:23

'He says I can take the same time for myself but all I want is 1-2 hours of me time which he does give me but again takes the car and takes the kids to his mums'

He is totally completely out of line.

So this generous hour or two he gets the car...

That's really shit OP properly shit.

LittleOwl153 · 22/05/2021 19:23

I would not be happy with him taking the car and leaving you with 2 small kids unless you are very city central. He needs to replace the sold car if he wants that freedom.
In terms of going to golf it's a case if time balance. If he is happy and it is practical for you to have the dame free time then it wouldn't worry me.

shouldistop · 22/05/2021 19:23

Do you need the car? Or is it not about the car? How long is he away when he's playing golf?

cupsofcoffee · 22/05/2021 19:25

We only have one car as he sold our second one during lockdown

Why was that his decision to make? Can you afford to go and buy yourself a second car?

Fizzgigg · 22/05/2021 19:33

I think taking the car playing golf is pretty bad but the really awful but is that he ALSO takes the car when you're having your time to yourself! That's outrageous. If it's your time you should be able to toddle off and do whatever and he's at home with the kids. Good for the goose and all that...

Cocomarine · 22/05/2021 19:39

Why did he decide to sell the other car? Did you agree at the time?
How long is he gone for?
When he takes the car to give you the 1-2 hours that you want, have you told him that you want/need the car? Is it reasonable that he might assume you just want relaxing alone at home time?

Gut feeling?
He’s 90% a selfish arse, you’re 10% not speaking up.

There’s nothing wrong with him having hobbies, and it’s not his fault if you want less time away from the children / family than he does. But unless you’re going to come back and say 2/3 golf sessions are half an hour at the driving range, I can’t see the amount of time on golf being reasonable.

Rage is natural, but where are you going to use that rage to take you on this?

Hadalifeonce · 22/05/2021 19:42

Several years ago I lived with a BF, he had a hobby that took up all weekend. We only had one car, I gave him a week's notice that I had plans the following weekend, he knew the plans and that it would involve me using the car.
Saturday morning at 5am woken up by him searching for the car keys, which were in my bag as I would be needing them, he got very arsey when I reminded him I was using the car, he wanted me to cancel my plans so he could do his hobby! I suggested he might try to get a lift from someone or not go.
We didn't stay together very long after that.

coogee · 22/05/2021 19:42

Get another car.

Cocomarine · 22/05/2021 19:42

@Fizzgigg

Well it might be outrageous. But @Aimsmv doesn’t tell us if she’s said, “I need the car as I’m spending the next 2 hours going for a beach walk (or whatever) that’s a drive away - why don’t I drop you off?”

Don’t get me wrong, my feeling here is that he’s an arse. But the detail is pretty light.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 22/05/2021 19:46

This selfish twat would never have made it to one kid, much less two, with me. Nah. I got to 'he sold the second car'. Ovary up and get shot of that shit.

newnortherner111 · 22/05/2021 19:50

The playing golf to the extent he does instead of spending time with your young children is the fundamental unreasonableness here I think.

Original poster

Aimsmv · 22/05/2021 20:02

Thanks for the messages. He decided to sell the car and I said OK. I have just been made redundant while on maternity leave/hesitate to buy myself a car as not actively making money. I don't really need the car for my own down time. I guess I'm cross that he can take them to his Mums but I can't get to my mum (in Australia). I spoke up a few weeks ago/we had a huge fight which is why I'm now getting that me time. He is gone for at least 5 hours on weekend 3ish on week night. Appreciate all the feedback

OP posts:

MrsHowell · 22/05/2021 20:09

You should go back to work in the short term and in the long term you should leave him. He sounds like a shit.

I've lived in Australia myself and I've seen many a woman trapped on the other side of the damn world because they have had children with a twat. It's crossed my mind many a time that some men are drawn to women with no family or a family that can't intrude on his life due to geography.

Taking children from,the UK to Australia is farrrr easier than the other way round.

To answer your question, no, it's not normal to make the life of the person you are married to more difficult or unpleasant than it needs to be.

SadieCow · 22/05/2021 20:22

Drop him off at his DMs and then pick him up when you're ready?

user1471457751 · 22/05/2021 20:24

It's a bit unfair to get upset with him because his parents don't live on the other side of the world. And to resent him selling the car when you agreed to it.

Tobebythesea · 22/05/2021 20:45

@SadieCow

Drop him off at his DMs and then pick him up when you're ready?

This. Go out with the car and leave him stuck at home with 2 young kids. Might make him re-think things.

Tobebythesea · 22/05/2021 20:46

*or

LouHotel · 22/05/2021 20:48

Are you breastfeeding?

If not I would be taking my 'me time' from 6pm to 9pm one night so he has to do bedtime of a 5 month and 2 year old on his own which presumably your having to do in the week.

Start taking the car for your me time, don't ask just take the keys and say your going to a mates, hair, shopping.

DinosaurDiana · 22/05/2021 20:48

So he doesn’t have the kids, his mum does !

VeganCheesePlease · 22/05/2021 20:52

I do get your annoyance OP, but you said you said OK to the car being sold. I'm guessing he played golf then too so I don't understand why you both left yourselves with one car knowing he would be doing his hobby and would have the car.
Like I said I do get your annoyance but I do think being a little bit more assertive would help - e.g he gets the car on the weekend golf game but you drop him off on the weekday, and when you get your me-time, you take him where he wants/he gets the bus and you get the car. He says he doesn't mind you taking a day and you take 1-2 hours. I'd be taking a bit more me time.

billy1966 · 22/05/2021 20:52

God help you OP.

Another selfish arse on MN.

Make plans to protect yourself because you have had children with a selfish pig.

Reach out for support IRL.

Cocomarine · 22/05/2021 21:11

It’s not clear from your post whether he selfishly sold your means of getting around out from under you or - made a sensible suggestion to sell it, that you agreed with because money is tight with maternity leave / redundancy.

You can’t stop him golfing - though, have you tried? But at the very least you need to sort out who has the car and when.

Long term... he wouldn’t be my choice of partner, someone who takes 5 hours on both Sat/Sun to play golf. Let alone adding the midweek. My vagina would clamp shut. Has he got worse after the second or was he already winning no parenting and husbanding prizes?

DinosaurDiana · 22/05/2021 21:26

You need to take the same time that he has, and take the car whether you need it or not.

Flip

1 2