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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Celebrating other people's wedding anniversaries

35 replies

MaizeBlouse · 22/05/2021 12:25

Maybe IABU here but is it really accepted that we should buy a gift and send a card etc for other peoples wedding anniversaries? AIBU to say No?

I have a big family with 4 siblings and I am expected to donate towards a gift for my 2 siblings wedding anniversaries as well as my parents'. Every year!! Along with buying birthday gifts and Christmas gifts. It's bloody expensive for one thing and for the other part I don't really see the point.
Surely it's just thier celebration from tthen on

I would be happy to donate for a milestone anniversary I.e 10/25 years and would.perhaps send a text on the day if I remembered in other non significant years but I thinj that'd probably my limit.

It may colour my view that I am not married (though I've been with my DP a long time) so maybe I don't "get it" but surely if I attended a wedding, gave a gift and ccelebrated n the day theb I've kind of done my bit.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 22/05/2021 12:26

Just say no

CallmeHendricks · 22/05/2021 12:28

Blimey! Half the time dh and I forget our own anniversary, let alone anyone else's.

Original poster
MaizeBlouse · 22/05/2021 12:30

@nokidshere I do say no! In a polite way I suppose. But every time one comes around another siblings asks everyone to donate to a pot to buy a gift or whatever.

Same here @CallmeHendricks!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 22/05/2021 12:30

Is it just because you don’t get a reciprocal present?

DramaAlpaca · 22/05/2021 12:31

@CallmeHendricks

Blimey! Half the time dh and I forget our own anniversary, let alone anyone else's.
Same here!
FuzzyPuffling · 22/05/2021 12:31

A definite no from me.
Wedding anniversaries are between a couple. No one else is remotely interested.

ELCSPlease · 22/05/2021 12:32

DH and I celebrate ours every year and usually get a card/bottle from my parents.

I buy a card/flowers for their anniversary, but will just text close friends and family on theirs Smile

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/05/2021 12:33

No, I would send something sentimental like a nice card for a 25th/50th anniversary as see those as milestone occasions but other than that nothing. It’s private between the couple.

Original poster
MaizeBlouse · 22/05/2021 12:33

No @Shoxfordian as I also ask for no birthday presents from my siblings too. I know I probably sound like a right kill joy ha I promise I'm not! We live in a tiny flat so usually just getting together for some food is enough of a gift for me

OP posts:
TwoAndAnOnion · 22/05/2021 12:34

No, it's not something I subscribe to. But other family dynamics are different. For example, do all your aunts and uncle collaborate to buy your parents a present every year? If not, it's just a 'your family' thing.

Presumably, you're the type of family to have the group WhatsApp chat? I'd be making a statement in there that you can't afford this nonsense every year.

HotChoc10 · 22/05/2021 12:36

I always got my parents an anniversary card but wouldn't for anyone else

Pottedpalm · 22/05/2021 12:36

@FuzzyPuffling

A definite no from me. Wedding anniversaries are between a couple. No one else is remotely interested.
This.
Zealois · 22/05/2021 12:37

That does seem strange.

If we happen to be seeing my partner's parents on their anniversary, we'll bring a bottle of wine. Otherwise he would just text them.

For my brother and his wife I just send them a text in the family group chat.

Thisisjaaam · 22/05/2021 12:39

I give my parents a card and some flowers but wouldn’t think to commemorate anyone else’s

Notaroadrunner · 22/05/2021 12:40

That is ridiculous. As you say, a wedding anniversary is for a couple to celebrate. Good that you say no. I might get a text from siblings and my mum used to send a card but other than that I'd never expect a card or a present. As for birthdays and Christmas, just give gifts if you want and for an amount you can afford. Don't get sucked into joint gifts where another family member dictates what you should spend.

PermanentTemporary · 22/05/2021 12:40

I never do this. If I'm feeling extremely generous I might like their FB post about it.

Obviously if they have an anniversary celebration of some kind and invite me I'll give a present. Otherwise it's a private celebration between couples.

You can say no. Maybe do it in advance if it's always been a thing in your family. Many people mostly women just like shopping or are very insecure about how accepted they are, and commercial interests work on that as buying presents is seen as a more virtuous kind of spending. In fact it's just more tat and unwanted future landfill.

CatsPyjama · 22/05/2021 12:42

I feel like our anniversary is something to celebrate between ourselves, our family send cards but I don’t expect it!

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 22/05/2021 12:43

Maybe for a big milestone like 25th, 40th and 50th for a close family member or very close friends but not for every year. Also if they had a party, you might bring a small gift with you.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 22/05/2021 12:47

I’m with you OP, it’s a bit much.

There seems to be two camps- people who think anniversaries are a BIG DEAL and those who routinely forget even their own!

I have a friend who clubbed together with his three siblings to send their parents to New York for their 30th. He was only 18/19, a student working part time, and expected to come up with £££ as his contribution.

Whereas in my family I just recall that my mum and dad got married sometime in the 80s- might have been June?

mmgirish · 22/05/2021 12:51

I don't celebrate anyone else's wedding anniversaries. We barely celebrate our own!

LadyCatStark · 22/05/2021 13:00

Absolutely not, I don’t even give a shit when my own wedding anniversary is let alone anyone else’s! DH rang his parents on their anniversary about something in particular and they mentioned it a few times, clearly as a dig that we hadn’t remembered. DH has a small family and everyone is retired except DH and his sister, who hasn’t worked in years and years. They have the headspace to remember stuff like this but I’m afraid we just don’t as 2 full time workers.

fizzybootlace · 22/05/2021 13:00

No I think its just between the couple, but we get cards from family. It's very kind but I tell them there is no need. None of them are married so none to send so not like its a reciprocal thing.

Hopdathelf · 22/05/2021 13:03

Absolutely not unreasonable. I don’t even expect people to be aware of my wedding anniversary and DH and I have a meal out but it’s not a huge deal. However I know in some religions wedding anniversaries are a bigger deal.

JellyTumble · 22/05/2021 13:04

I would say it’s unusual but I think if it’s a thing in your family YABU not to partake in it.

LadyCatStark · 22/05/2021 13:07

@JellyTumble

I would say it’s unusual but I think if it’s a thing in your family YABU not to partake in it.
Why? Surely the OP is not obligated to participate in anything she doesn’t want to, especially as she doesn’t get anniversary gifts herself so it’s not like she’s happy to receive but not give.