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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He just gets up and walks away as soon as he has finished eating at the table?

58 replies

CanIBeACurlyGirl · 21/05/2021 20:39

AIBU believing the above is really rude?

DH has always finished what he is eating and then started tidying and clearing up even if the rest if us are still eating.

This evening we ordered a take away with our DC, eldest was visiting, we were chatting and generally sitting at the table and DH disappeared.

I don't understand, why do that? it's so rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
CanIBeACurlyGirl · 21/05/2021 21:28

@Lessthanaballpark

How does your DD feel about it?
DD and her sibling joke about their dad being grumpy/silent treatment.

They truly love him and he will do anything for them to help them out apart from dinner time so I suppose it's not that bad.

OP posts:
Exhausted4ever · 21/05/2021 21:30

This would really annoy me. It's rude. I don't let my kids get down until everyone's finished, or asking for permission. I certainly wouldn't expect my partner to just get up and walk away

Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2021 21:30

FFS, you're wanting him to be a mind reader. Use your words.

Original poster
CanIBeACurlyGirl · 21/05/2021 21:32

@Laiste

A calm conversation about it is needed. Pick a time when you're both pretty relaxed.

Try not to confront or accuse. Keep your language positive. Use DD coming round to keep it relevant to now, rather than turning it into a ''this has been pissing me off for years!!'' thing:

''I like it when we all sit and have a chat after a meal. It was a shame when you left DD and i today. She was enjoying your company and had lots to say''. See what he says.

Thank you, I'll do this and I think it should help. Flowers
OP posts:
EggysMom · 21/05/2021 21:33

I was brought up that you stay at the table until the others have finished, and it was rude to get up while others are eating. That said, I don't remember my parents staying at the table with me when I wouldn't eat all my peas but wasn't allowed to 'get down' until I had finished them ...

DH was brought up that it was rude to sit there watching other people eat when you have already finished, and instead you should clear your own stuff away; and then start clearing up the kitchen/cooking stuff if you're the first one out there.

Just two different upbringings, I guess.

Original poster
CanIBeACurlyGirl · 21/05/2021 21:35

@Aquamarine1029

FFS, you're wanting him to be a mind reader. Use your words.
After 20 odd years I'm probably lost for words Smile
OP posts:
LindaEllen · 21/05/2021 21:43

DSS does this. It's his job to wash up and he just wants it over with ASAP so he clears all but mine and DP's plates off the table and then stares us out until we've finished (he bolts his down). It's really fucking annoying, particularly when I've cooked something really nice and we're just not allowed to even enjoy it.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 21/05/2021 22:58

My DH does this and now our children do it which goes against my upbringing. It does annoy me.

Idontknowanymore05 · 21/05/2021 23:05

Oops. I do this. 👋 Never when dining out though. I do excuse myself and apologise. I just don't like sitting at the table for too long.

LittleBearPad · 21/05/2021 23:08

It’s bloody rude.

Turkishangora · 21/05/2021 23:08

@Idontknowanymore05

Oops. I do this. 👋 Never when dining out though. I do excuse myself and apologise. I just don't like sitting at the table for too long.
Me too. I find sitting round a table quite intense, and my mum was so ridiculously strict and rigid with table manners it's given me a massive dislike of formal dining, I much prefer a buffet type affair where we help ourselves and sit where we like. If dh insisted I stay at the end to chat I'd just feel uncomfortable.
Leeds2 · 21/05/2021 23:15

I think it is incredibly rude, and it would really piss me off.

I don't imagine your eldest ids feeling the loving vibes either, if she doesn't visit very often.

Singalongasong · 21/05/2021 23:17

This would wind me up but how did it not come up, in raising your daughter, that it's polite to stay at the table until you've all finished? It's just one of those things, like not starting until everyone's been served. Maybe a family blitz on table manners?

Maggiesfarm · 21/05/2021 23:20

Just tell him it's not on, it is bad manners.

Tinty · 21/05/2021 23:23

Has he always done this or is it new? My DP has started doing this in the last year. We all 5 of us will be chatting over dinner and DP finishes his, gets up and goes off to sit in front of the tv. He is 59.

Comefromaway · 21/05/2021 23:24

Unless it was an actual dinner party I can’t see the point in staying at the table once I’ve finished eating.

PreferToSitInTheShade · 21/05/2021 23:29

It makes my bum ache to sit too long on dining chairs, I'm quite short and my feet don't touch the ground. I get up as soon as poss unless we have proper guests. Then I just put up with it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/05/2021 23:32

Your feet don't touch the ground?

suspiria777 · 21/05/2021 23:35

You've never questioned or mentioned this behaviour in the presumably 20+ years you've been together (since you have adult children) -- it would be ridiculous for you to take offence to it now after saying nothing (implying no problem) for, what, 10,000+ other meals together? He's not a mind reader and i imagine he doesn't know you think it's rude. You can't place 20 years of slowly building resentment at his feet now. Also maybe the sound of you eating is revolting and this is his way of tolerating it without saying anything you might interpret as rude or hurtful.

It's so weird you would keep this to yourself for so long...

SwanShaped · 22/05/2021 07:54

I’m sure he’ll be ok if you say something. Must not realise that he’s important

Quincie · 22/05/2021 07:58

Make sure you have nice cake in or similar - 'let's have coffee and cake now DH'- after he's tidied

ThatIsMyPotato · 22/05/2021 08:03

Is it possible he was letting DD and you catch up on your own and thought he was doing a nice thing?

Wilkolampshade · 22/05/2021 08:03

Could be worse OP, my DH of nearly 30 years recently went through a phase plumping pillows and remaking the bed... with me still sitting there, finishing my cup of tea.
But then he can be a bit of a twat.

BinocularVision · 22/05/2021 08:08

My father does this. He wolfs his food, leaps to his feet and starts washing up while everyone else at the table is still on their third or fourth mouthful — and we’re not dawdlers. I don’t think he gets the social aspect of eating together. At a meal out for a special occasion, he actually grabs his plate from the waiter’s hand to speed things up, crams in the food like an eating competition without waiting for anyone else or speaking, then gets up and goes to the desk to try to pay and sits there rattling his keys and sighing when someone asks for the dessert menu.

BoattoBolivia · 22/05/2021 08:10

My dh does this but his childhood mealtimes were very stressful with parents arguing and snapping at the kids. He is better than he used to be but sitting at the table makes him anxious.