My boss is a minimiser

[AndromedaGal]

And it makes me frustrated & stressed. I can’t go into too many details as I’m worried it’ll be outing but for example, if one of my pre-schoolers is ill she’ll say things like “that’s kids for you!” And then “On your return we can crack on with those submissions!”

Or she just doesn’t mention anything at all. She has two grown up DC so she knows how tough it is being a working mum. But it’s all focus on minimising any problems that come up, reiterating work deadlines, she’s also very hasty to jump on me if I have a problem and can’t log on - my connection went down a few weeks ago & I told her I was on the phone to the supplier trying to fix it; all the while she was sending me messages - can you let me know how I can get the info to you do you can start making calls/we need to get this done by close of business today/are you online now & on it went. FFS just let me sort the problem & I’ll get back on with the work sooner. It really pissed me off.

I’m a good worker, I don’t slack, I fo what I’m told. I don’t expect any special treatment because I have young children but I’m beginning to feel like there’s no connection or empathy with this line manager. She is very positive, and likes to think and act positively but sometimes when what you’re saying isn’t acknowledged at all & it’s all about pushing work it does start to grate.

Anyone else have similar? AIBU for feeling frustrated?

Sorry OP but your boss is just doing her job 🤷‍♀️

You say you don't want special treatment - but you clearly do as otherwise you wouldn't be annoyed by her requests for you to get your job done.

I’m with your boss, I’m afraid. Children do get ill but tend to recover quickly. It’s just part of life and not something to get in a tizz about. If you’re back at work, cracking on seems appropriate, particularly if they’ve cut plenty of slack to sort out children.

I’m with your boss too. She sounds like she’s just doing her job.

Have you given her the feedback that she's irritating you in certain situations like the connection?

Otherwise I don't think she's minimising per say.

I see both sides really. I think when you have a sick child there's a lot of guilt and pressure. For a boss to say that's kids for you and reiterate a deadline is not the most emphatic way of dealing with a member of staff who is already feeling torn.

What do you want her to say about your kids being ill? I don't get it.

Sounds like she's just doing her job

I’m with your boss. What she said sounds fine to me. What would you like her to say about sick kids?!

It sounds fairly standard to me

YABVU. She’s your boss, not your friend.

Your children aren’t her problem, nor does she need to take any interest into them.

She’s doing her job - checking in with you about yours. She’s not there to make small talk with.

Ok thanks all for honest replies. I guess it’s not her job to talk about my worries/stressful incidents with the children.

It would be great if she did and would make work a lot nicer, but clearly that’s not her style

To my staff conversation would go like this.

Staff member. Child is ill and can't go to nursery?
Me. OK, so do you want to take a days annual leave or will you be able to do anything around looking after her? We've got x and y on today. If you need to take the day off I can get someone else to cover, or can you manage?

Sm. She's pretty poorly.

Me. OK, take the day off and I'll sort something out. Call me first thing tomorrow to let me know the situation.

Thats a pretty normal response. I really like everyone I work with but the focus is on getting the urgent work done.

If it's happening alot then I will schedule a meeting to talk about how the person is coping.

What more do you want your boss to do?

I run my own business and manage staff. I'm with your boss I'm afraid sorry.

She’s your boss not your mate
Yabu

How do you think she should be dealing with this, OP? What do you want her to say to you?

I'm confused as to why you're upset . Your boss seems perfectly normal. (and more than accomodating )

Sounds like your boss is just doing her job in regards to covering when your kids are sick but also sounds like she could have backed off with your connection issues! Like most of the office workplace I've been wfh since March 2020 and if we have Internet issues that are outside of our control then luckily my company are very relaxed about it. Tbf there's not much anyone can do, so to be sending messages about getting xyz done really isn't helpful and I don't think you're BU in that respect. My last boss had 2 lots of maternity leave at the beginning of her employment and following that, lots of flexibility. When I had my lb I had so much pressure put on me to return to work as if he didn't exist and in the end I left because the stress just wasn't worth it. I've learned not to expect sympathy from anyone anymore, so it's a pleasant surprise when I do. Hope you can strike a balance OP x

@AndromedaGal

Ok thanks all for honest replies. I guess it’s not her job to talk about my worries/stressful incidents with the children.

No. That's what friends are for. Blurring lines between boss and mate doesn't often workout for either party.

Sorry, bjt I am afraid it sounds like you think she should be a friend. She doesn't seem to be doing anything wrong tbh

I’m a line manager and believe you have a poor line manager. Yes she isn’t your friend but part of her role is to provide pastoral care and not just task manage. By treating you as more than just a resource, she will get the best out of you.

My objectives are partly based on the performance of my direct reports. I know what’s going on in their lives and genuinely care. It’s not fake. Your manager comes across as fake and insincere and you can sense it, that’s what’s irritating you. It’s not the words it’s how she’s doing it. Your relationship will deteriorate and eventually she will not get the performance from you.

If my team are underperforming I usually have a decent idea why and will support them as they normally do well but they have lives and sometimes shit goes wrong and impacts them. My ultimate objective is to get them performing but constantly messaging them about when they will do X and Y will just stress people out more. I’ll see if I can help or suggest a solution, work around. They will always pay my loyalty back. One of team got dumped by her boyfriend a couple of months back, she normally amazing but she was hurt plus down about lockdown. I allowed her to do the minimum for a bit and then she bounced back. She sings my praises to my line manager so it’s all good.

You are there to do your job not chat about your kids.

Unfortunately, WFH has shown all of us how damn easy it is to do the "oh dear, no internet connection" thing. Not saying that's what you were doing, but tbh, most employers are starting to get wise to those who are.
As for the first paragraph, well, she's right. Kids do get sick. Especially at that age. It's no biggie unless you don't have the childcare in place and keep having to take time off.
She sounds fine to me.

I think there's a middle ground. I don't agree that managers shouldn't express interest or concern in their staff's personal lives.

I think it's good to acknowledge the situation and be reasonably accommodating, while meeting business needs.

In your example here, I think your manager is being interested by acknowledging your DC are sick & asking what you need to do.

Some managers will go a bit further. I am genuinely interested, and happy to talk about my team's personal issues - if they want to. I've a couple of staff with long-term illnesses, and another who has had a very problematic home situation this year, and I've been supportive & genuinely interested.

But it would probably be better if I was less so. Ultimately my job is to be a manager & getting overly involved makes that hard, for both. Also, it does lead to an element of piss-taking, which I'm aware of.

Your second example when you are trying to fix your connection does sound a bit like over-kill.

But this:

I allowed her to do the minimum for a bit and then she bounced back.

That's actually poor management, in my opinion.

It's not fair to others who might have personal problems but manage to do their work to the needed standard. It creates resentment in the team.

Reasonably accommodating someone who is ill or having a hard time is fine, but that's not allowing someone to the bare minimum.

She's your boss. It's not her job to do a load of emotional work around your children. I have enough of that to do of my own without doing it for the 9 people in my team as well.

Quick chat, work out the plan, do you have anything urgent you won't be able to do, do I need to pick anything up and on we go.

Maybe ask yourself if you'd expect a male boss to do that much engagement?

Your description of her when your connection went down is annoying - if that happens a lot I would feed back.

But your personal issues are not her problem. It sounds like she accepts you might need to step out deal with something, and then once you have she expects you to jump back in. This is fair enough.

I have a friend like this - she has chronically high anxiety so has to remain positive at all times or spins out of control. Her need to say something positive or bring an end to a difficult conversation often comes across as lack of interest or empathy. In reality she is just trying to cope. It is grating - as she is my friend I talked to her about it. If it was my boss, I would leave it.