My boss is a minimiser

[AndromedaGal]

And it makes me frustrated & stressed. I can’t go into too many details as I’m worried it’ll be outing but for example, if one of my pre-schoolers is ill she’ll say things like “that’s kids for you!” And then “On your return we can crack on with those submissions!”

Or she just doesn’t mention anything at all. She has two grown up DC so she knows how tough it is being a working mum. But it’s all focus on minimising any problems that come up, reiterating work deadlines, she’s also very hasty to jump on me if I have a problem and can’t log on - my connection went down a few weeks ago & I told her I was on the phone to the supplier trying to fix it; all the while she was sending me messages - can you let me know how I can get the info to you do you can start making calls/we need to get this done by close of business today/are you online now & on it went. FFS just let me sort the problem & I’ll get back on with the work sooner. It really pissed me off.

I’m a good worker, I don’t slack, I fo what I’m told. I don’t expect any special treatment because I have young children but I’m beginning to feel like there’s no connection or empathy with this line manager. She is very positive, and likes to think and act positively but sometimes when what you’re saying isn’t acknowledged at all & it’s all about pushing work it does start to grate.

Anyone else have similar? AIBU for feeling frustrated?

‘I allowed her to do the minimum for a bit and then she bounced back.’

‘That's actually poor management, in my opinion’

Why is it poor management? This person is normally an outstanding performer who logs in after hours and weekends even though I’ve told her not to. She really cares about her role. She is seen as an exceptional employee and rising star by senior management. Her minimum is many peoples normal and by minimum I mean doing a satisfactory job and just ensuring tasks are completed as opposed to an amazing job and going over and above in terms of delivering early and to great quality.

She’s allowed to be ‘off’ on rare occasions especially as she regularly makes me look very good as her manager. She’s also had to step up unexpectedly for me. Also my teams roles are not interdependent and if anything her dropping back means it’s only me who has to step up a bit but it was a few days not weeks. So no need to be so dramatic. We clearly don’t work in the same type of organisation or sector. My team are high performing so I can’t be that poor a manager.

And there will be no resentment from others because first they weren’t aware of her situation or what happened and I would without a doubt do the same for them if it came to it. I work in data science and technology and it’s not easy to replace people (there’s a lot of competition for people with our skills set) so it’s best to ensure everyone’s ok.

I’ve always gone over and above for managers who were loyal to me and cared about me. We weren’t friends, there’s a line and to be honest I don’t have time to get too close to colleagues anyway, but they took the time to know me and knew how to get the best out of me.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Point taken. But this lady has been a close friend for the last 10 years. She has only very recently been appointed into a management position. So it is a change for both of us.

Hmm this is a difficult one. Your boss isn’t showing very much empathy. Ok the other hand you sound like a bit of a princess.
Managing with empathy as @JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil has shown brings the best out of employees. But the employees have to go above and beyond. When my internet goes down the first thing I do is delegate and make sure that I hand everything over. I am in contact with the rest of team members via phone to get things done .
Just ‘not slacking’ is not enough it is the minimum expected. Also your boss Is not there to babysit you. While I appreciate my current boss’ ability to empathise a boss who’s very businesslike wouldn’t be a major issue. Sure, I might not feel very close to them but as long as they didn’t get In the way of my work and career progression then whatever. ‘Frustrated’ and stressed is a very big overreaction. For example she didn’t stop you from leaving to care for your kids did she?

Also @JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil hello from a fellow techie 😂

OK. So the point is actually 'my boss is a minimiser '. The issue is, ' my really good friend is now my boss and its difficult to adjust to the changed dynamic in the workplace. '

Also forgot to add ... I have had bosses who were all empathetic and said the right things - but never gave me any work or put me forward for anything. I would rather a businesslike boss than an ineffective one...

Ahhhh @AndromedaGal just saw update.
Massive drip feed...

Not all bosses have empathy or interest in their employees lives. I think we judge women bosses more harshly for not showing empathy. I think the main issue is a bit of micro managing which maybe you could address by responding that you'll deal with stuff by x time.
My boss is empathetic whilst balancing a strong understanding of deadlines and priorities so I'm quite lucky.

[quote AndromedaGal]@SchrodingersImmigrant

Point taken. But this lady has been a close friend for the last 10 years. She has only very recently been appointed into a management position. So it is a change for both of us.[/quote]
That makes sense. She’s creating a professional boundary between work and friends.

It’s hard when you become a manager of people you’re close to; the dynamic changes, as it should.

You should stick to talking only work with her while on work time. Small talk and friendship talk is for outside of work.

@Dishwashersaurous

To my staff conversation would go like this.

Staff member. Child is ill and can't go to nursery?
Me. OK, so do you want to take a days annual leave or will you be able to do anything around looking after her? We've got x and y on today. If you need to take the day off I can get someone else to cover, or can you manage?

Sm. She's pretty poorly.

Me. OK, take the day off and I'll sort something out. Call me first thing tomorrow to let me know the situation.

Thats a pretty normal response. I really like everyone I work with but the focus is on getting the urgent work done.

If it's happening alot then I will schedule a meeting to talk about how the person is coping.

What more do you want your boss to do?

Pretty sure you have to allow her parental leave to deal with ill children?

@Dishwashersaurous

OK. So the point is actually 'my boss is a minimiser '. The issue is, ' my really good friend is now my boss and its difficult to adjust to the changed dynamic in the workplace. '

Yeah, which is bit different...

This person is normally an outstanding performer who logs in after hours and weekends even though I’ve told her not to.

That's also poor management (from you) and ill-advised by her.

I've been that soldier but if she's not at management level, routinely logging in for extra hours is an issue you need to sort (not enough resources) or she does (not valuing her own downtime).

Her minimum is many peoples normal and by minimum I mean doing a satisfactory job and just ensuring tasks are completed

Well you should have clarified what meant by 'minimum' then, in your earlier post. In fact, she wasn't doing 'the minimum' (your words), she was doing a reasonable job, 'many peoples (sic) normal', just not her usual stellar self.

Of course that's fine! That's what she should be doing more of, not feeling the need to work harder & longer hours consistently, which you support (unless you are now going to drip-feed that she works those extra ours on time-critical projects, and is paid overtime for it).

We can only go on what you post, and that's what I did.

Why is it poor management?

By the way, my next paragraph, that you didn't quote, answered that question. 😊

(Again, based on the information you provided, not your later explanation drip-feed)

But this lady has been a close friend for the last 10 years. She has only very recently been appointed into a management position. So it is a change for both of us

Ah, that's a completely different situation!

That's always a tricky one in work. I've had to deal with it, from both perspectives, myself.

If she's a friend, I think you can, in an appropriate way, let her know how you are feeling. She should be happy to listen & see if it can be resolved.

However, it could also be your own discomfort at your friend now being your manager, that is colouring your view. You need to realise that as your manager, she does need to set boundaries. Not easy for either of you.

Also, if she's newly appointed, she may be trying to get used to the role & make her mark, leading to some over-enthusiasm.

[quote AndromedaGal]@SchrodingersImmigrant

Point taken. But this lady has been a close friend for the last 10 years. She has only very recently been appointed into a management position. So it is a change for both of us.[/quote]
Fucks sake, what a drip feed 🙄

Parental leave is unpaid. If she asked for that then I would allow it, but I know, from previous discussions that she would prefer to take annual leave and not lose a days pay

Ok whatever Lipstick yes you got me, I’m a poor manager. Glad I’ve managed to get away with it for so long, get promoted, get good bonuses and be paid good money. I’m sure I’ll be found out any minute . I look forward to reading your book called ‘One size fits all: Every employee, company and situation is the same and there’s only one way to manage’...

Sorry just reminding myself about parental leave rules. Has to be a week at a time so not the best use for a cold with a snotty nose

Parental leave is unpaid. You’re entitled to 18 weeks’ leave for each child and adopted child, up to their 18th birthday.

The limit on how much parental leave each parent can take in a year is 4 weeks for each child (unless the employer agrees otherwise).

You must take parental leave as whole weeks (eg 1 week or 2 weeks) rather than individual days, unless your employer agrees otherwise or if your child is disabled. You don’t have to take all the leave at once

Agree with others. I don't do flapping, or panic or reassurance in the typical way. My ability to soothe anyone stressed comes from the fact I'm calm in a crisis, rather than getting involved in needless worrying. I work based on solutions, rather than possible problems.

I would of course offer support to someone dealing with more serious or complicated child ill health, but it wouldn't occur to me that you or anyone else would need my support because you are dealing with a normal aspect of parenting young dc. And tbh, if a direct report was stressing about it, then it would be counter productive if I also pretended it was a massive issue and inadvertently encouraged them to continue to blow it out of proportion.

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

Ok whatever Lipstick yes you got me, I’m a poor manager. Glad I’ve managed to get away with it for so long, get promoted, get good bonuses and be paid good money. I’m sure I’ll be found out any minute . I look forward to reading your book called ‘One size fits all: Every employee, company and situation is the same and there’s only one way to manage’...

Jeez.

No need for that. It's a comment, an opinion. If you disagree that's fine 🤷🏻‍♀️

Less of the drama maybe. 🤨

From the drip feed it sounds like you're struggling to come to terms with the fact your workplace relationship has changed.

Just from this you sound like a drama llama and she sounds like a boss.

@Dishwashersaurous - ok, maybe it comes under a different heading to parental leave but still allowed time off to look after dependents - www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

Yes I know about time off for dependents but everywhere I've ever worked has been on the basis of sorting out arrangements, so an hour to pick up and arrange childcare etc.

The assumption and planning is not that emergency leave can be taken for a whole day or more than one day.

Its to put in place arrangements. E.g nursery bubble shut for covid, so therefore take a couple of hours of find a babysitter.

Anyway we are sidetracked.

The ops actual issue is that her friend is now her boss and she is struggling to adjust