To think you should sort childcare before you start a new job?

[hp655]

My stepdaughter is having childcare issues, her friend is unreliable and she has asked my partner to help out. This would mean a 50 mile round trip after school. He doesn't mind because she's previously blocked him seeing the gk, now of course it suits her and it's ok. I'm objecting to her manipulation of him, he's ok with it. I think she's clearly using him and that upsets me.

Well, clearly she is using his wish to see the grandchildren to her own advantage, but if your DH wants to help, you can't stop him. He's an adult and presumably makes his own decisions. I imagine that he knows he is being used, but doesn't mind if it means that he gets to see the children?

It’s a difficult one. Is she quite young? I remember taking jobs on before I had childcare and unsurprisingly didn’t last long as I didn’t have reliable childcare.
If your partner is adamant I think it would be good to tell his daughter it’s temp and she needs to sort other childcare by such and such date.

His need to see them and indeed help her overrides a temp arrangement, I think we need some boundaries, like how often etc.

No she's not that young, approaching 40!

If he's happy to do it then it's not an issue. Of course she should have sorted childcare but if a doting grandparent is willing to help out then surely that's preferable? Honestly it's none of your business. If it all falls apart then that is up to him to deal with.

I think it's my business when he's bringing them to our house and I'm feeding them!

In his shoes I'd do it too if it meant I could maintain a relationship with my grandchild.

Looool why would your husband be your business OP? Honestly .

I do agree that she's using her dad to suit her but equally not much you can do really if he's agreed to it. I would definitely make sure he agrees the frequency though, you need to know when he'll be doing it and when the kids will be at your house.

If your dh is happy to do it then I think it is up to him. My dm used to travel quite a way to help with childcare, which was incredibly kind and much appreciated, so it doesn't seem like a totally far out thing for a grandparent to do for me.

She is a CF, who waited last minute to guarantee free childcare.

Nothing you can do or say unfortunately! Feel sorry for the kids stuck in the car for far too long. At least she has a job... but holidays, sick days, inset days etc.. are going to be on your shoulders!

Surely he picks them up after school and takes them to her house and feeds /entertains etc them there.
They don’t need to come to your house at all unless of course you are actually going to end up being the default childminder and all he is m, is the taxi driver.

Maybe she was expecting her friend to be reliable? My Mum helped out with childcare for my children once a week with a similar round trip (26 miles each way) as a regular arrangement for several years. I paid her petrol but I assume she enjoyed doing it as she offered and I could have afforded childcare if she hadn't wanted to.

Surely the logical thing to do would be for him to look after then at her house not drive them to yours?

Is she on UC? Once my children turned 3 I was ordered to start work and they didn't give a damn that I had no childcare to cover school holidays.

Well a fifty mile round trip shows dedication. She's a combination of cheeky and desperate though it provides an opportunity for engagement with the child even if their mother previously cynically tried to preclude this. I'd agree for a limited period initially, if only to make it harder for her to kick off if it becomes unsustainable by saying she's been left i

My parents would do this for me as a short term measure if I needed it, just because. Nothing to do with manipulation. They'd be pleased to help and pleased to feel needed. They wouldn't take it on as a permanent measure, at least not 5 dpw, but they would absolutely do it for a few weeks while I sorted something else if I'd been let down.

If I was in a position to (ie not working) I'd do it for my children or my sister too. I'd probably stay at their house rather than do the trip twice though.

You obviously have an issue with the daughter and who's to say whether that's justified, but I don't think the help in itself is wrong, especially if DH is happy to do it.

in the lurch. A fifty mile round trip back for the child won't be easy on them either and it will make after school activities, parties and so on harder so they'll probably not want this to become a permanent, frequent fixture.

Good luck.

To be fair, it's not always possible to sort childcare in advance - lots of employers won't confirm hours or timetables until the last minute. If he's happy to do it then it's really none of your business - if he wants you to look after them then you can say no.

I don't understand. If it is a considerable distance then why do they come back to you?

Is he driving there, coming back, driving back to drop them off and coming back? If so - solution - he does it at their house - not as long driving and they are not at yours.

Or, if he drives there and back, and then she drives to get them from you - well she must really have no other options if both him and her have 50 mile round trips!

I understand why he's doing it but he needs to look after them at their home. That's easier on the children and on you.

@Avocadowoman, that would seem a more sensible arrangement. Even if the mother didn't want her father to take the child back to her home (if the relationship if tricky), I'd be tempted to stay and eat and play locally with the child to facilitate activities, reduce the travelling burden on the child during rush hour and then someone having to pick the child up for the return 25 mile trip.

He wouldn't go to theirs just in case the ex turned up, she's likely to if she knew so this has to be a secret arrangement between them...

How about all the adults involved behave like adults?. It seems like a lot of the drama could be avoided.

Way too much drama: poor DC

Round trip generally means there and back so school is only 25 miles away?

He’s her dad. This is what parents do. Admittedly not mine, but still. If he’s happy doing it, then let him crack on. You say she’s using him but again he’s her dad. If she can’t go to him for help, who should be asking?