To think you should sort childcare before you start a new job?

[hp655]

My stepdaughter is having childcare issues, her friend is unreliable and she has asked my partner to help out. This would mean a 50 mile round trip after school. He doesn't mind because she's previously blocked him seeing the gk, now of course it suits her and it's ok. I'm objecting to her manipulation of him, he's ok with it. I think she's clearly using him and that upsets me.

What happens if the ex shows up?

Is this ex the children’s other parent, I might ask why they aren’t doing the childcare if they’re free to turn up at the house but assume there’s more drama there too..

No, I think OP means her DH's ex, the daughter's other parent...

Bit cheeky but your dh doesn't mind and don't you want to see the kids? poor mites

@hp655

I think it's my business when he's bringing them to our house and I'm feeding them!

I think that’s an odd view.

I agree it’s your business - but expected you to say, because I love him and don’t like to see him taken advantage of, and worry how he’ll feel if she sorts childcare and bans him again.

But it seems mean and petty to object to it on the grounds that it’s your business because they’re in your house - so what? Isn’t that a nice thing?

And if you object to paying for their food, tell your husband to pay 🤷🏻‍♀️

He was banned from seeing them, his ex can’t know... all sounds a bit trash.

Is it a temporary arrangement until she gets proper childcare sorted? It's not always possible to have a perfect arrangement in place if a job comes up at short notice. I wouldn't hesitate to ask my parents to help us out as a short term measure if that is the case.

NewMatress

How about all the adults involved behave like adults?. It seems like a lot of the drama could be avoided.
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Today 13:25 pitterpatterrain

Way too much drama: poor DC

All of this

Let your husband see his grandchildren, OP. I mean, if you care about him that is.

@hp655

I think it's my business when he's bringing them to our house and I'm feeding them!

Why can't he make them food?

In general, childcare Vs work is a bit chicken and egg. I can't get a job cos I have kids I need to look after. I can't afford childcare until I work. So I need to get a job and find childcare simultaneously.

Grandparents helping out isn't uncommon, but anyone working should have reliable childcare. I said YANBU purely because she doesn't seem to have made proper plans, has historically been awkward about him seeing the children, and is now magically willing when it suits her. It's not a nice attitude to have.

It sounds like a lot of stressed relationships are involved.

I think it's fair for you to say you won't be helping out/making their tea and think about making other plans so you'll be elsewhere/occupied and then can't be roped in.

He can volunteer himself for childcare if that is what he wants to do with his free time, but definitely not load you up with work without even asking you.

25 miles is our nearest city. If I was a grandparent and didn't have work commitments myself I absolutely would travel 25 miles to where they were to look after them. Not every day but a couple times a week.

Why are you feeding them and why is the ex turning up a problem? Does the ex have keys to her house?

Questions, from a search.

1. Was he banned because he’s an alcoholic?
2. Would his ex turn up because she don’t think it’s safe that an alcoholic is in some charge?
3. Why are you so controlling, first telling him he couldn’t spend his money on his kids, nor telling him he can’t babysit? You must both be approx in your 60s. These things are not yours to decide.

Cocomarine
That changes things.
Although, I'd be very concerned that his daughter is chopping and changing her mind about leaving her children in the care of an alcoholic.
She needs to step up and sort her own childcare if that's the case.

@hp655

I think it's my business when he's bringing them to our house and I'm feeding them!

I hope you’re a better step grandma in person than these histrionics that you are spouting online, exclamation marks and all. It’s up to him, not you. IMO you should be supporting him, and helping to build relationships with the children. You could easily say that all adult children ‘use’ their parents for childcare, but most don’t see it that way. Try to see it as a positive.

I just love him and it upsets me seeing him being taken advantage of. Plus the fact that they won't be any gratitude.

Your attitude probably isn't helping matters. Have you thought about a few sessions of family therapy?

If step daughter is in her 40s, I’m guessing your DH is in his 60s. And this needs to be kept secret for his ex wife? It all sounds very complicated

So he does 25 miles x 4 trips op? Or the journey is 12.5 miles x 4?

And he does this because his ex-wife might turn up, and then what might happen?

Does he do this every day after school or less?

@hp655

I just love him and it upsets me seeing him being taken advantage of. Plus the fact that they won't be any gratitude.

Do you have children if your own OP? I don't think in a usual parent child relationship, this kind of thing would be considered taking advantage and I don't think most DGFs would expect huge demonstrations of gratitude either.

You say you care about him, but it seems from what you've said here that you could well be contributing to a lot of the family conflict he's dealing with .