Dad's wife answering his messages pretending to be him

[BeatieBourke]

Bare with me, this is convoluted and sounds a bit weird. Which it is.

My mum died, very suddenly and unexpectedly, 10 years ago. She and my Dad met when they were teens and had been married 39 years. He was understandably completely bereft and dealt with it very badly. He's still traumatised by it, still cries most days, and has been a shadow of the man he was ever since. My siblings and I have all tried all sorts over the years, but he's sort of "stuck".

Despite this, and to the surprise of everyone, he got married again a few years ago. His wife is very nice, but is twenty years his junior and from a very different background. They met on holiday (she isn't from this country), got married very quickly and she now lives in this country with him. She has a very successful career in a job that requires a great deal of dedication and years of training and qualifications. She has plenty of her own money (my dad is basically skint). They obviously love each other but the relationship is quite strange. I can't really explain it.

Dad has been depressed for years. Covid hasn't helped. He recently had a health scare, related to his total lack of self care, which has made his mental state worse still.

A few days ago his dog died. It was actually my mum's dog, but they were very attached to each other. My Dad had to have her put down and it completely shattered him. I think it has retraumatised him about my mums death (we had to turn the life support machine off). I know losing a dog is awful - I adore my dog! But the level of distress he is showing is not normal. I think its not really about the dog.

He is refusing to see or speak to anyone. He says he wants to be left alone. We're all worried. Among other things, his wife has to go away to sit some exams next week and he will be alone. We're all very concerned that he won't eat/sleep/wash (a pattern we've had before) or worse.

So, I've been messaging him each day, just to say "I know you don't want to see anyone, I'm just letting you know we love you, if you find you don't want to be alone you're always welcome here" etc.

I got a reply last night which reads like it's from him, but it doesn't sound like him at all. I've asked my siblings and we all agree his wife wrote it. It doesn't say "Hi this is X as dad isn't up to replying to messages atm", she is just straight up pretending to be him.

Am I wrong to think this is just fucking weird??! I don't know what to make of it. It's making an already very difficult and worrying situation worse. Now I feel like I can't contact my dad because I won't know if it's him I'm speaking to or not! I just can't get my head around it.

For info, I live at the other end of the country and have had most of this information relayed by a sibling. Young children etc means I can't just drop things and go to his, and I don't know if he'd want me there anyway.

I'm at a loss as to how to deal with this.

@BeatieBourke

He doesn't want to talk. He's told us not to ring. I figured a message could be read or ignored in his.own time and wouldn't require a response.

Didn't he actually say this to you or your siblings, or was it via text or via his wife? Are you certain he doesn't want to speak to any of you?

@BeatieBourke

Ouch. Yeah, there's probably some truth in that.

Believe me, I'd really rather my dad was happy as Larry rather than the way he is. I'm not constructing his grief as a comfort in my own.

But, I do feel a bit intruded upon, and I suppose I do think of her as outside our family unit. It's not intentional, it's just how I feel. We were a family, my mum was at the centre of it, then we all went through this harrowing experience and supported each other through it. And that's part of our identity as a family now. So while I have no desire to make her feel like an outsider, I don't think she'll ever really feel part of our family unit either, because it's so defined by the loss of our mum, which she never experienced.

Maybe we're all a bit "stuck". No great surprise, perhaps, given the sudden and traumatic nature of mums death. But what you've said has given me pause for thought. I think I need to work on the relationship with my dad's wife.

This is such a great, self aware post. I wish you all the best OP

Good to hear that your father sounds a bit better.

As you don't dislike the new wife, could you not mention to her about the text ? You could just ask if your dad wanted her to write it as it didn't sound like him.

@gulliblestravels

I feel OP that you yourself are still grieving the loss of your mother, and feeling that your dad is too somehow brings some comfort. But there is something of not letting go, or moving on in terms of ‘family units’ which is evident in your writing and the use of possessive terms like when you mention your SM joining ‘our family’, and looking after ‘our dad’, and ‘we have a plan’: you are positioning her as an outsider. Perhaps it is because of your perception of her this way that has upset you, regarding the text exchange, that a ‘stranger’ has intercepted an intimate message, but even here you contradict yourself, as you’d first said it was a simple ‘hope you are ok, I love you’ text, but go on to describe your dismay at corresponding with her in a ‘heart-to-heart’.

I feel for you, and your feelings of what sounds like abandonment and loss, and it is completely understandable that you feel as you do.

This is so wise from @gulliblestravels. I'm glad if it's going to help you do some healing of your own.

ThursdayWeld, exactly.

Massive thanks, Gullibles, for saying something difficult and complicated with simplicity and kindness.

It sounds really tough OP.
I'm sorry about your DM.
The situation with your Dad is really sad too unfortunately you can't fix him it is horrible being helpless.
I hope he is receiving medical card.

I don't see anything wrong with it. She probably felt guilty and a bit hopeless that he wasn't replying to you so took the time to make you aware of what was going on. You can't force him to have contact - he knows you love and care about him. When he is ready he can contact you.

@BeatieBourke

TheWitchersWife, thank you for describing your situation and I'm sorry to hear that life is so difficult at the moment. This sounds very similar to my dad's situation and I can see more clearly how this might have come about.

I guess, as another poster said, I was panicking a bit. I can't visit, didn't want to call and appear to be bothering him, so a couple of "just to say, I love you" texts seemed the best way to let him know that we are here for him, and just do something.

I think I just felt that I couldn't have a true idea of how good or bad things were if, thinking inwas speaking to him, I was actually speaking to her. It was quite emotional stuff, and I replied to the text I think she wrote before it clicked that it was probably her that wrote it, and then I just felt weird that I thought I was having this heart to heart with my dad, but it turned out I wasn't.

He's got in touch this.morning and sounds a bit more like himself, which is reassuring. I'm going to send a card to his wife to say thank you for taking such good care of our dad, and good luck in her exams. And then I guess I have to acknowledge there's not much else I can do right now.

Thanks again.

We sent a bunch of seasonal flowers to DH's stepmother just to acknowledge she was having a tough time with FIL being unwell and a little thanks - she took great offence to it, said it's her job and why does she need thanking. We didn't intend to offend, just something to say we were there and hope the flowers brighten up the house. So just a little warning in case that's a possibility with your stepmum (my MIL is slightly highly strung )

@PinkSatinMoon

Social workers and GPs are not going to visit because a man's wife answered one text message for him, FFS.

If OP has a genuine concern about the well being of her Father, she most certainly can phone his GP or Social Services... or the Police.

There has to be a reasonable threshold for concerns, otherwise SW would be even more overwhelmed than they already are . Sending one text message on behalf of your spouse is not going to meet that threshold.

Maybe the wife is paraphrasing what he's telling her.

@BeatieBourke

Hi OP. I didn’t mean to suggest that you were constructing your dads grief as your own, and I apologise that it was understood in that way. I was trying to put forward that perhaps you (all?) are still in a place where grief is what connects you - as a unit that includes your mum - particularly since your dad is physically distant. I feel, perhaps, you realise this in your reference to stuckness. There is no shame in that; bereavement is a loss of so many things, including hope for the future you thought you might have. I wonder if what’s happening for you now has been triggered by someone answering instead of your dad, making you feel you have ‘lost’ him too?

I’m sorry for your loss and what you have had to bear; I think I can tell from your language that you have had some help - you have certainly done much self-reflection - and I hope you find the support you want or need.

I think it is always difficult when an older parent remarries.Most children are young when their parents remarry ,and although its still difficult they have little choice but to accept it .As Adults we have had our childhoods with "Mum and Dad", and often find it hard to accept when they find a new partner.The loss of a much loved dog can be a huge shock. and he is probably reliving his feelings when your Mum died .He probably does think of her a lot ,and loved her .Of course he loves his new wife too ,but all his feelings of being a family and a father , and young and happy are possibly entwined with his pet .Older men often marry more quickly as they dont want to be alone ,they cope less well than women ,and there is often the possibility that he may "eulogise " your DM. When people die fairly young they often have their faults" erased "from memory .When there is a divorce ,they have fallen out of love with that person and there is a choice that they have made to be parted from them .In death ,there is no choice to be made ,and they feel powerless .

Your Step Mum sounds incredible op. She is a financially independent woman with a good career who has spent quite a few years with a man who is skint, 20 years older than her, depressed to the point of neglecting his personal hygiene and who cries every day for the love of his life, who unfortunately isn't the person he married.

I'm sure he loved your Mum very much and loosing her has been beyond awful. But I think he has been very unfair to his wife.

Panda, I completely agree with you. And I think it's one of the reasons I find it hard to sincerely relate to her. I feel awful for her, and somehow guilty that this is now her life.