Inheritance question

[pommep]

I was raised by my wealthy grandparents who have throughout my life supported me, financially and otherwise. ( paying for my first car and helping with costs at uni etc) We have a great relationship. They even helped pay for my wedding.

Since I've been married our relationship has changed. Where they initially would help with things like deposit for house etc, they've suddenly refused because they do not want the money to go to husband in the case of a divorce.

I'm fine with them refusing to help generally. But find it a bit hurtful that the reason is the money potentially ending up with husband in case of divorce.

We don't need the money anyway. But the concept of not wanting it to be with husband is strange to me.

I think they'll also not give me inheritance one day, for the same reason and will probably leave it to my children instead. Which is fine. They like my husband. I don't get it.

Yep I completely agree with them. My family have done the same to me and I’m not married yet. Half the marriages in my family have ended and the guy ran off with everything. At least this way if I got married and then divorced he’s not getting anything. House and everything will be in my name or my families name .

@SinisterBumFacedCat

Where did your grandparents get their wealth from, was it an inheritance? What if one of them gets divorced?

Passing the inheritance onto their grandchildren, who might in the future marry incredibly unreliable spouses, instead of onto you with a husband who they know and like? It just sounds like they are using possible inheritance to control you from beyond the grave.

Exactly. I kind of think it's sad in a way (even if it may be sensible) They can't control it really. Their grandchildren could marry complete gold diggers but maybe they are hoping the won't be around to find out by then.

not only divorce though, should you inherit then pass away and your husband remarry the money could be lost from that side of the family tree.

This is exactly how my father thinks. Don't think my mother thinks like that. He won't gift me large sums anymore as he has that mentality of the husband will take it, even if we never divorced it's still seen as the wealth has now gone to another man as oppose to staying in the family. I kind of get it, but I hate it as a woman, we go through so much and this is like another hurdle in life where we are less important than our male siblings. Just like your grandparents, my father absolutely adores my husband just not to the extent where he is able to give me money/property
It pisses me off because my brothers wives will benefit, so why can't my husband also benefit? I understand the risk of divorce but it's not like my brothers marriages are guaranteed to last, if they split , their wives would get a share

@deardia

This is exactly how my father thinks. Don't think my mother thinks like that. He won't gift me large sums anymore as he has that mentality of the husband will take it, even if we never divorced it's still seen as the wealth has now gone to another man as oppose to staying in the family. I kind of get it, but I hate it as a woman, we go through so much and this is like another hurdle in life where we are less important than our male siblings. Just like your grandparents, my father absolutely adores my husband just not to the extent where he is able to give me money/property It pisses me off because my brothers wives will benefit, so why can't my husband also benefit? I understand the risk of divorce but it's not like my brothers marriages are guaranteed to last, if they split , their wives would get a share

This is true. No such things have been discussed in relation to my brothers, they still receive gifts etc. Their wives benefit. I don't think they're excluded in the inheritance either.

I feel exactly like your grandparents.

MIL and FIL divorced before I met DH. Her parents had been very wealthy and died just before retirement age. FIL was a horrible bully especially to MIL and gave her anxiety. She was never truly free till he died a few years ago. He had half that inheritance when they divorced.

I think that kind of thinking is strange. You give what you want to give at the time then forget about it.

You can leave it to the grandkids but what if they get divorced? How is it any different?

Plus you say that you haven't asked for anything recently.
Maybe that's the real reason. You asking.

@Darbs76

I think that’s fair enough and sounds like they’ve helped you enough already. I do find it odd though if they don’t give you an inheritance and give it direct to any children, wouldn’t the inheritance go to your own parents anyway for them to then do as they wish with it?

Not really odd, is it? If OP was brought up by her grandparents, either her parents have died, or they've deliberately absented themselves. If it's the former, the GPS can't give them any money, and if it's the latter, they won't want to

@Mintjulia

The fact is that nearly half of marriages end in divorce and if they leave you money, and then your marriage fails, your DH will be entitled to half.

They want to keep the money in their direct family which is fair enough, because they like your DH but they don't love him like one of their own.

I suspect they may leave any future money to the next generation - your children, which is more tax efficient anyway.

My DM was even more prescriptive. She left money specifically for the education of DGCs. It's a generational thing I think. They want to see their hard earned money goes to good use.

This. I have left my money to my children in a way that ensures it won’t go to their spouses in the case of divorce. It’s nothing personal, none of them are married yet.

@Zenithbear

I think that kind of thinking is strange. You give what you want to give at the time then forget about it.

You can leave it to the grandkids but what if they get divorced? How is it any different?

Plus you say that you haven't asked for anything recently.
Maybe that's the real reason. You asking.

I didn't word my initial posts well. I've not asked actually. I've never asked, it was offered before. And in a discussion about inheritance stuff ( not started by me ) they shared their views.

Have you brought up the inconsistency regarding your brothers and their wives? How do they know the wives won’t run off with any inheritance? Or are they just sexist now too?

DGC are being sensible. Most people put gifted money into the marital home, which is split - or awarded in full to the husband/wife with DC residency - on divorce.

That means your DH could get the house in a divorce and sell it to live with his new partner the second your DC turn 18. They have nowhere to go, you're too skint to house them, and your ex is sitting pretty in piles of your family's cash, as is his girlfriend.

It happens. A lot.

No such things have been discussed in relation to my brothers, they still receive gifts etc. Their wives benefit. I don't think they're excluded in the inheritance either.
Well, that’s different then and I would be put out and want to discuss why I was treated differently u to my brothers.

I think a lot of people's views on this will change when they reach the age where disposal of ones hard earned capital becomes a consideration. Especially if part of that is linked to a deceased spouse.

I adore my daughters. I want to smooth their way a little where I can. I'm happy that their partners benefit from that when they're together, but I don't want someone who's been in their life for a couple of years to disappear with half of what my late DH and I saved over four or five decades and intended for the two people we loved above all else. Who would?

If they want to help out but are worried about a potential divorce, they could pay for your holidays or depreciating assets like cars. My friend is in a similar position in that her MiL has said she will leave it to the grandchildren (substantial amount) but friend is taking the view that whatever money her children get, she will treat as for uni fees or house deposit which she would otherwise have paid for so she still kind of benefits that way.

This isn't unusual and my parents are very much of the same opinion. Happy to help pay for our weddings but after that any inheritance/gifts are protected by way of family trusts

It protects me as well as them as if my siblings divorced then any property that is currently in trust doesn't have to be then split with their spouses who could force a sale or if god forbid a sibling died and left everything to a spouse who then remarried and died family money/assets then disappear

Our parents/grandparents might like who we marry but at the end of the day the old saying "blood is thicker than water" will always prevail. And with half of marriages ending in divorce it's a sensible approach to make

My parents didn't work hard all their lives and make sacrifices and then make generous gestures which financially supports our spouses which are at risk of being taken in a divorce

Leaving it to the next generation might be more tax efficient but the GPs are less likely to know grand children's spouses than they are the OPs.

The solution here is a discretionary trust that includes OP and remoter issue as beneficiaries. A loan can be made to OP towards the house and it can be interest-free and written off in due course when OP is older. Other funds can be invested for the GCs. There is a 6% tax charge every 10 years but that is likely to be on value above £650,000 if both GPs create the trust. Tax advice is needed to work out how much they put into the trust at the beginning because that will depend on existing life insurance and other trust policies.

@SinisterBumFacedCat

Have you brought up the inconsistency regarding your brothers and their wives? How do they know the wives won’t run off with any inheritance? Or are they just sexist now too?

Look I just don't think it's my place to say that. They've been generous already. So that's that. But I certainly find it odd.

@pommep

Yeah I do understand it, when you guys put it like that. I'm not sure my husband will do. I think he'll be hurt that they think like that. Not sure how to make him understand it.

Why do you need to explain to your DH why your grandparents won't give you money? Do neither of you work? Surely you should be past the point of asking them to support you financially? I really don't get why you need to sit him down and explain this

Just so you all know.
The law was changed a few years ago.
My friend signed a prenup, and it was done legally.
However the word needs has been added into the divorce law.
If you have assets protected in a prenup , but they are needed to produce a far outcome from a finacial stand point, the judge can just allicate them as needs of both parties require a fair settlement.

@SleepingStandingUp well, I just think it will become obvious one day won't it. We work and don't need their money. It's more the principle. My husband is very wealthy, but it was more about the principle of the situation and I wondered what others thought.

I realise I missed the bit about them giving your brother's money but not you. Perhaps the logic that if your brother's split and the wife benefits, it will look after the kids but if you and DH split it won't benefit the kids as you'll have them?

Are your brother's / SIL as wealthy as you both are?

It's crazy to think like that. If they leave of to their grandchildren. Do they think their grandchildren will not get married? At some point the family they leave it to will get married and potentially have to share with a partner.

Post nups are becoming increasingly common in England. I’m in the process of getting one myself to ring fence funds from my father’s estate. Both spouses have to take independent legal advice and then a document is drawn up agreeing on which funds are ringfenced. It works as a time stamp on what is agreed and no one can say at a later time that they considered it family money etc. They can also be changed at a later point. So, in ours my dad’s money is protected. But if my DH has a parent who dies then we will reconsider and the money may go back on the table.

My parents set up some way to protect my DS's inheritance from them, as they didn't want to risk his Dad being able to take a slice. I think they had it put in trust until he's 25..? He's my ex by the way..