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AIBU?

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Original poster

Inheritance question

75 replies

pommep · 20/05/2021 17:57

I was raised by my wealthy grandparents who have throughout my life supported me, financially and otherwise. ( paying for my first car and helping with costs at uni etc) We have a great relationship. They even helped pay for my wedding.

Since I've been married our relationship has changed. Where they initially would help with things like deposit for house etc, they've suddenly refused because they do not want the money to go to husband in the case of a divorce.

I'm fine with them refusing to help generally. But find it a bit hurtful that the reason is the money potentially ending up with husband in case of divorce.

We don't need the money anyway. But the concept of not wanting it to be with husband is strange to me.

I think they'll also not give me inheritance one day, for the same reason and will probably leave it to my children instead. Which is fine. They like my husband. I don't get it.

OP posts:
mobear · 20/05/2021 19:26

You grandparents could gift you money by way of trust of which your children are the beneficiaries. My grandmother did this with my mother's house (which she bought her outright) because she didn't want it to get caught up in a divorce or for it to be used to secure debt. Unfortunately my mother only found out about this after she had bought the house for her, and was very upset about it. I think it's a shame she can't see that my grandmother was only trying to protect her. The money in the trust only represents a small portion of the money she will come to inherit one day anyway.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 20/05/2021 19:27

Nobody in a happy relationship wants to hear how previously reasonable people can get nasty in a divorce.

Right now he may think and say that he wouldn't take a penny of the money that your grandparents gifted but when it comes to reality, people need access to cash in order to move out, set up a new home big enough for kids etc

mobear · 20/05/2021 19:32

Also my grandmother helped me with a deposit for my first flat, which I bought with an ex-boyfriend. I would never have thought at the time he would end up acting as he did when we split, but even though my grandmother liked him she still had us sign a trust deed when we bought the flat - and it turns out she was right to! (Not that it was much help, as they're not enforceable in court, but do show the court what the parties' intentions were at the time of purchase).

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 20/05/2021 19:34

Your grandparents have probably seen how often people split and have kids with a new partner. I can imagine why they wouldn't want their money financing luxuries like university and cars for children who are strangers and that they love giving their family a leg up.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/05/2021 19:34

I do understand how the GPs feel.
Shortly before a dd married, we gave her and our future SiL a substantial amount to help with a house purchase.

I really liked my SiL and very much still do, but at the time I did think how I’d hate for half of that cash to end up with him, if they ever divorced. But I didn’t mention it to them. It would have felt very crass and inappropriate, particularly shortly before their wedding.

Any written agreement would not hold water under U.K. law anyway.

saraclara · 20/05/2021 19:35

To be honest, I worry about this too. I've seen a 'friend' leave his wife with perfect timing, and claim half the value of the house that her DGM left her.

I wanted to help both my daughters by giving them some cash in my late DH's memory. I realised that I had more than enough for my retirement, and that they hadn't had an inheritance from him. I deliberately made that gift a couple of months before one of my DDs got married, so that it would be money brought into the marriage and so, theoretically remain with her. Should either of the DDs use it to buy a house with their partners, they will ring-fence it legally.

This is basically because I, and they, see it as their dad's money. We would all be really upset if partners that never met him took off with half of it.

Of course, in a decade or two, when their relationships are more established, they might choose to remove that ring fence and that of course is entirely their choice. But a new relationship is a concern for any parent/GP considering giving a large gift or inheritance.

saraclara · 20/05/2021 19:38

I would add that I would totally understand my son in law's parents doing the same. I think it's entirely sensible on each side.

Iggi999 · 20/05/2021 19:39

It's a sad reason to not help their gc lead a good life in the here and now though, if help with money for a car or holiday etc was available.

MissConductUS · 20/05/2021 19:44

My MIL is leaving most of her money to our DC and not to my DH and I and I'm fine with that. We're pretty comfortable and it will give the kids a good start in life.

NoSquirrels · 20/05/2021 19:50

@pommep

Yeah I do understand it, when you guys put it like that. I'm not sure my husband will do. I think he'll be hurt that they think like that. Not sure how to make him understand it.
Why do you even need to have a conversation about it at all?

You don’t need their money. They’ve been generous in the past but they’re not offering you money to refuse with strings attached or raise any awkward questions, so why bring it up at all?

Why would your DH even think anything about it?

TattyDevine · 20/05/2021 19:50

It's a tricky one. My parents have just liquidated an asset and want it to be put aside for my kids to buy houses when they are older. Which is fine but they did ask about what would happen if a kid got divorced and I said that there's really no simple way of avoiding this scenario in this jurisdiction. You have to just go with it on the basis that if the worst does happen, you'll still probably retain about 50% of it and still be better off than if you didn't have it at all.

bridgetreilly · 20/05/2021 19:51

What is your question, OP? Because this just reads like a sour grapes post mixed with some stealth boasting.

Original poster
pommep · 20/05/2021 20:02

@bridgetreilly

What is your question, OP? Because this just reads like a sour grapes post mixed with some stealth boasting.
An opinion poll.
OP posts:
Original poster
pommep · 20/05/2021 20:37

@saraclara

To be honest, I worry about this too. I've seen a 'friend' leave his wife with perfect timing, and claim half the value of the house that her DGM left her.

I wanted to help both my daughters by giving them some cash in my late DH's memory. I realised that I had more than enough for my retirement, and that they hadn't had an inheritance from him. I deliberately made that gift a couple of months before one of my DDs got married, so that it would be money brought into the marriage and so, theoretically remain with her. Should either of the DDs use it to buy a house with their partners, they will ring-fence it legally.

This is basically because I, and they, see it as their dad's money. We would all be really upset if partners that never met him took off with half of it.

Of course, in a decade or two, when their relationships are more established, they might choose to remove that ring fence and that of course is entirely their choice. But a new relationship is a concern for any parent/GP considering giving a large gift or inheritance.

Interesting. How do they ring fence it when they're married?
OP posts:
saraclara · 20/05/2021 20:57

Sorry @pommep I confused you by remembering wrongly. It's the DD who isn't married to her partner who'll be ring-fencing if they buy together.
The married one won't be able to, though I believe that if the marriage is short (which obviously I hope won't be the case!) a gift given before the marriage and put into a house might (no guarantees) be taken into consideration on divorce.

Stitched77 · 20/05/2021 21:29

They could gift the money into a trust for your benefit. That way, the money is never yours - you just benefit from it at the discretion of the trustees.

That is good for your IHT too as the money is never yours.

Nothing is totally safe in divorce (especially where provision for kids needed) but, apart from not giving you anything at all, this is the next safest option.

Might sound a bit grabby if you pitch this to your GPs though.........?

gottakeeponmovin · 20/05/2021 22:18

I totally get where they are coming from. That said as my lawyer said to me - where do you stop? You can leave it to the grandkids but what if they get divorced? There is a point at which you have no control over the inheritance anymore

Cocomarine · 20/05/2021 22:33

You’re looking at it the wrong way.

You have to remember that it’s not that they don’t want to give their money to your husband.

It’s that they don’t want it to go to your ex husband.

Say they generously gave you yet more money. Then you divorced. He got half. Hell, maybe you divorced him for cheating on you? Would you agree with your now ex getting their money?

They’ve already helped set you up. Don’t be greedy.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 20/05/2021 22:38

Where did your grandparents get their wealth from, was it an inheritance? What if one of them gets divorced? Hmm

Passing the inheritance onto their grandchildren, who might in the future marry incredibly unreliable spouses, instead of onto you with a husband who they know and like? It just sounds like they are using possible inheritance to control you from beyond the grave.

SnackSizeRaisin · 20/05/2021 23:01

I don't think the op sounds grabby at all. She's just a bit taken aback by the lack of faith in her marriage.
I think it's an odd thing too, but then there's no divorce in my family. If you've experienced being poor after a divorce perhaps you see it differently.
But really each partner brings something to a marriage - in most cases the man earns more over a lifetime. That is expected to be shared equally (or savings, houses, pensions etc at time of divorce at least). Why should an inheritance be any different? You can't control money after you've died. The grandparents won't even know if OP gets divorced after she's inherited from them so why do they care?
Not giving it while they are alive is even stranger, they gave help to op when she was single but won't now she's married just in case her husband benefits? That seems incredibly small minded to me.
It's not the lack of gifts , it's the reasoning behind it, as they've been extremely generous before.

JudgeJ · 20/05/2021 23:06

@mahguy

I think if it's a gift then yes it's split. The husband & his parents are now saying it's was a loan, he's a wanker!
Were it the woman's parents saying this I would expect your reaction to be the same but I won't hold my breath.
mobear · 20/05/2021 23:20

@mahguy

I think if it's a gift then yes it's split. The husband & his parents are now saying it's was a loan, he's a wanker!
This is what my ex did, and his parents lied to support him. I think it’s a common tactic.
Original poster
pommep · 21/05/2021 00:16

I would say from this thread that it's perfectly reasonable for parents or grandparents to want to protect their assets, as so many marriages end in divorce.

I think legally binding prenups should be a thing and should be mandatory if you want to get married. It would be easier if everyone just did it. How romantic.

OP posts:
Nammamua · 21/05/2021 00:41

Unfortunately there is no cast iron legal process for ring fencing individual assets acquired either before or during marriage. The court can disregard deeds of trust, pre and post nuptial agreements and inheritances if the remaining joint assets are insufficient to meet the needs of one of the parties. So I can understand your grandparents’ wish for their blood relatives to benefit from their assets.

It is true that leaving money to great grandchildren ultimately runs the same risks.

PerveenMistry · 21/05/2021 00:45

I can't blame them. Didn't work all my life to have some stranger end up with the proceeds.

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