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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Pushy MIL

41 replies

Lulu1027 · 20/05/2021 16:32

My husband and I recently made an offer on a house and were thrilled when it was accepted. After fifteen years of renting, this will be our first home. We immediately called our families with the good news. An hour later my MIL called me back to talk decor and promptly vetoed all of my interior design ideas. I listened politely and told her that we weren't going to be decorating for the foreseeable future anyway. The downpayment ate up most of our savings and we'd prefer to use what we have until we can afford new things. I thought that was an end to it but the next day she called to let me know that she would like to come "help" me decorate this summer, and has researched flights to our area (I live in the NE US and she lives in the SE US). I reiterated that we weren't decorating anything yet and reminded her that, since I'm pregnant, I am strictly social distancing until after the birth (which she already knew). She's still pressuring me to accommodate her. For goodness sake, we haven't even closed on the place yet! She is a nice person and I know she means well, but this is one of a series of instances in which she has been totally overbearing. I'm usually sympathetic to her because her husband and other children have made her life very difficult. I really don't want to hurt her feelings but I often find myself struggling to politely temper her expectations. My DH is no help. He says this is precisely why he avoids her and it's my fault for bothering to speak to her. Can anyone offer any advice for dealing with an overbearing MIL?

OP posts:
PremierSmeage · 20/05/2021 16:34

Quickly get decorators in ASAP before MIL can visit, so it's all done.

Then tell her to feck off.

AmandaHoldensLips · 20/05/2021 16:35

Get her to come over and strip/prep all the skirting boards and random woodwork, and strip all the wallpaper. Then say "thanks" and send her home.

Win-win.

lockdownalli · 20/05/2021 16:36

My DH is no help. He says this is precisely why he avoids her and it's my fault for bothering to speak to her.

He is correct.

PyjamaFan · 20/05/2021 16:36

Grey rock.

Listen and say tgank you but we will redecorate when we are ready.

Repeat.

Horehound · 20/05/2021 16:36

Well, it's not up to her to veto anything is it? You just say what's happening and that's that. And if she keeps pushing just say appreciate the thought but it's not what you want

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/05/2021 16:38

You need to follow your DHs lead with his family - and expect him to follow yours with your family!

You have made a rod for your own back. Deal with it.

PremierSmeage · 20/05/2021 16:38

@lockdownalli

My DH is no help. He says this is precisely why he avoids her and it's my fault for bothering to speak to her.

He is correct.

Good grief, if DH isn't bothered why on earth are you entertaining this? Just don't answer the phone.

mainsfed · 20/05/2021 16:39

Is she offering to pay? Get her to transfer $10k Winkand then take none of her advice

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2021 16:41

Your husband is helpful, you're just not listening to him. He knows what his mother is like and acts accordingly. You are the one trying to reinvent the wheel here.

Stop pandering to her. Say NO, that doesn't work for us as many times as you need to. She can't be pushy unless you allow it.

FartleBarfle · 20/05/2021 16:42

Say no, and grow a backbone. You'll need it when the baby arrives else you'll be on here in another six months telling us she is taking over. Know your boundaries and make them clear - no I'm happy with my own interior decorating, thanks for sharing your ideas, I'll take some on board.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2021 16:42

Honestly, this "problem" is entirely of your own making.

Asdf12345 · 20/05/2021 16:44

Clear firm razor wired boundaries are essential with mother in laws.

Seafog · 20/05/2021 16:45

"After the baby is born, we would love a visit, but not decoration stuff"

Repeat as often as needed

ineedaholidayandwine · 20/05/2021 16:46

Sorry but you need to keep pushing back on this, tell her thanks but no thanks, your definitely not doing anything right now nor are you hosting visitors, do not speak to her re decorating, just do it when your ready. She has no say in how you decorate your house

Lulu1027 · 20/05/2021 16:47

I bother with her because she's actually a nice woman (much nicer to me than my own mother!) and I know it hurts her terribly that her son is so distant. Plus, her husband and other children are a nightmare. She's the nicest grandparent our child will have and I don't want to alienate her.

OP posts:
TeaAlwaysTea · 20/05/2021 16:49

You need to set boundaries and the way to do it is not to waiver, you have a phrase/phrases and you keep repeating it.

You say I have told you we are not decorating and when we do we will be choosing our own things for our own home, just like you do in yours. I am sure you wouldn't want anyone to tell you how to decorate your house.

Cyw2018 · 20/05/2021 16:50

YANBU to want to choose your own decor, however YAB very U not to listen to, respect, and suppoet your DH over his issues with his mother. He has lived with this sort of controlling narcissistic behaviour all his life which will have been very damaging and distancing from this kind of mother is really traumatic to do.

Listen to your DH, believe him and show him you care.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/05/2021 16:51

An hour later my MIL called me back to talk decor and promptly vetoed all of my interior design ideas.

"And what the hell gives you the right to veto anything in our home?" was the answer you needed to give her.

DH has told you the way she operates and you are now seeing it for yourself. FFS stand up for yourself and more importantly your unborn baby. Because if you don't nip this in the bud now, she'll ramp up the opinions when the wee one arrives.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/05/2021 16:52

You don't have to alienate her. You just need to understand that there ammay be a reason why her own family keep her at arms length. They may have had a lifetime of her walking all over them and their preferences. What you are seeing as being a nightmare may well be how they cope. Your DH has told you as much! You love him and think he is generally a nice person, don't you? Then stop and wonder why he treats his mother like this.

That she is nicer doesn't mean she is actually nice. And even if she is lovely with the GC she is not listening to YOU or respecting your decisions about your own home and family!

Natty13 · 20/05/2021 16:54

She's nice to you because you have something she wants (no boundaries, nice girl syndrome, easy access to a baaaaaaaaaby aka granny prozac).

Set some boundaries and see how nice she is. Come and let us know how it goes when you've told her not to kiss your baby/grab baby out your arms/feed baby solids at 4mo/give your toddler ice cream for breakfast/whatever goes against your parenting decisions and tell us how nice she was about it.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2021 16:55

Nice people don't behave the way your MIL does. She fucking rude.

Natty13 · 20/05/2021 16:56

PS I say that as someone who has a genuinely nice MIL who understands the word no and has never pushed anything as long as I've known her.

The people who know your MIL better than you avoid her...that says it all.

5foot5 · 20/05/2021 17:00

You are right to want to avoid her rushing in and interfering.

However, I do feel a bit sorry for her. It sounds like her intentions are good but her enthusiasm to help means she is overstepping boundaries. Her family, including your DH, are being a bit unfeeling by saying to avoid her and not bother to speak to her.

Those saying the DH is right - just think about it a minute. Her own son saying to avoid and not speak to his mother. And by the OPs own account she is a very nice person just too eager to get involved.

I am not sure what to suggest other than being completely honest with her. "It is lovely that you are interested and, when it is safe, you are welcome to visit. However, when we decorate it will be in our own time and to our own choices" And keep repeating.

You can surely prevent her from interfering without cutting her off completely

FartleBarfle · 20/05/2021 17:04

Saying no and establishing boundaries does not cause alienation! Not being firm when needing to leads to much bigger issues later on that can result in alienation.

If you like her than make your needs and feelings heard. If you aren't able to do this, then this is not a healthy relationship.

flaminjo · 20/05/2021 17:14

No sorry mother. This is my first house and I want to decorate myself. On my own terms. But thanks for the offer and you're welcome to visit when baby born.

Then keep quiet. Don't speak.

She replies back , oh it's no trouble, I want to.

No thank you, I don't need any help..... silence

The end