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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Pushy MIL

41 replies

Lulu1027 · 20/05/2021 16:32

My husband and I recently made an offer on a house and were thrilled when it was accepted. After fifteen years of renting, this will be our first home. We immediately called our families with the good news. An hour later my MIL called me back to talk decor and promptly vetoed all of my interior design ideas. I listened politely and told her that we weren't going to be decorating for the foreseeable future anyway. The downpayment ate up most of our savings and we'd prefer to use what we have until we can afford new things. I thought that was an end to it but the next day she called to let me know that she would like to come "help" me decorate this summer, and has researched flights to our area (I live in the NE US and she lives in the SE US). I reiterated that we weren't decorating anything yet and reminded her that, since I'm pregnant, I am strictly social distancing until after the birth (which she already knew). She's still pressuring me to accommodate her. For goodness sake, we haven't even closed on the place yet! She is a nice person and I know she means well, but this is one of a series of instances in which she has been totally overbearing. I'm usually sympathetic to her because her husband and other children have made her life very difficult. I really don't want to hurt her feelings but I often find myself struggling to politely temper her expectations. My DH is no help. He says this is precisely why he avoids her and it's my fault for bothering to speak to her. Can anyone offer any advice for dealing with an overbearing MIL?

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 20/05/2021 17:17

But she's not nice if she doesn't listen to you and respect you.

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 20/05/2021 18:10

If she is nice and therefore likes you is she looking for a reason to escape her not so nice immediate family . Maybe the decorating is an excuse she can give to do so?

Justmuddlingalong · 20/05/2021 18:21

If the OP's DH actively avoids his mum, how will her rolling up to their house do dictate their decorating/lifestyle/patenting choices work?

Justmuddlingalong · 20/05/2021 18:22

*parenting

GroovyClementine · 20/05/2021 18:25

Nice people don't try to exercise a "veto" over anything in someone else's life that does not affect them in the slightest.

Acting nice is not being nice. How do you think serial killers lure their victims, by hiding their true self and acting nice, that's how. It's an extreme example to make a point, not saying she is actually terrible bad. Her family seem to know it is a facade. You should take note of that fact.

AnExcellentWalker · 20/05/2021 18:27

Why do you think they all keep her at a distance? Could it be due to her complete lack of boundaries & insistence on doing everything her way? How do you think you’ll feel when she does the same when it comes to your baby, parenting decisions etc?

Blossomtoes · 20/05/2021 18:27

My DH is no help. He says this is precisely why he avoids her and it's my fault for bothering to speak to her. Can anyone offer any advice for dealing with an overbearing MIL?

It’s very rare for me to say this but best advice is listen to your husband.

BMW6 · 20/05/2021 19:02

@flaminjo

No sorry mother. This is my first house and I want to decorate myself. On my own terms. But thanks for the offer and you're welcome to visit when baby born.

Then keep quiet. Don't speak.

She replies back , oh it's no trouble, I want to.

No thank you, I don't need any help..... silence

The end

100% this. Repeat as often as required.
Lulu1027 · 20/05/2021 19:53

Hi all. In terms of her motivations, I think @2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney and @5foot5 have hit the nail on the head. She’s over eager and looking for an escape. It’s not an overstatement to say that the woman has been a saint. Due to her husband’s various issues, she’s been the sole breadwinner for over thirty years and, far from ignoring her, he and their other adult sons are overly dependent on her. DH distances from her, in great part, because he can’t stand them. Ironically, I think DH learned the coping mechanism of avoidance from his mother. If she actually paid attention to her other family member’s she would never have been able to cope. Here’s a recent example of how she’s treated: since we couldn’t visit for Mother’s Day, DH sent his brother money to take the family out for a celebratory brunch. We later learned that he pocketed the money and she treated everyone instead. It’s just sad.

Be that as it may, I realize that it’s especially important to make boundaries now since we have a baby on the way. I know that as a mother it's my job to protect my child from these dynamics and I don’t want interference in our parenting. Moreover, she is not decorating my house because, frankly, she has appalling taste. Having read your comments, I think firm repetition is my best bet. Many thanks for providing me with some nice, succinct phrases to get my point across. And thanks to @ FartleBarfle for reminding me that not creating boundaries is more damaging to a relationship than doing so.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 20/05/2021 20:08

Op, I doubt she’s a saint, . Being a sole breadwinner certainly does n’t make her one. ( are male sole breadwinners all saints)

If her sons are over dependent on her that’s because she made them dependent. It probably suited her at one point.

AmandaHoldensLips · 20/05/2021 20:18

I have spent years developing absolutely no relationship with my in-laws. Works for me.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/05/2021 21:48

DH distances from her, in great part, because he can’t stand them Oh stop!

What new twist next?

FartleBarfle · 21/05/2021 12:29

@Lulu1027

I'm glad you have got some good advice on this thread. You are sound like a considerate and thoughtful DIL trying hard to make sure she feels involved in your life. I know how complicated these things are and they can't be as black and white as some posters might think.

I hope you manage to foster a healthier long term relationship with her and your family. Good luck!

TurquoiseLemur · 21/05/2021 13:11

Ignore her. She does not get to decide on your interior decorating. Or on anything else. That her husband and other children have made her life difficult does not give her the right to be overbearing. Neither does anything else in her life.

I have an MIL like this. Because my DH won't stand up to her, she has had far too much influence over the years, on minor issues and major ones too. But apart from once very briefly, I myself have not seen her for 11 years. My choice. She is overbearing, a control-freak, cold, insensitive, the list could go on. I can't stop my husband seeing her but I refuse to, too bad if she doesn't understand why.

You have the great advantage of having a DH who knows perfectly well what a nightmare his mother is. Take your cue from him.

Grizalda · 21/05/2021 13:27

@mainsfed

Is she offering to pay? Get her to transfer $10k Winkand then take none of her advice

I'm guessing you're probably joking but … neverrrrrr get yourself indebted to people like your mil! Good lord, you'd never get rid of her if she thinks she has input because she paid for it.

Lsquiggles · 21/05/2021 13:34

An hour later my MIL called me back to talk decor and promptly vetoed all of my interior design ideas. I listened politely and told her that we weren't going to be decorating for the foreseeable future anyway.

Why did you listen politely whilst she told you what to do to your own house? She's not being polite by interfering instead of being happy for you

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