When people tell you not to worry

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AIBU too precious about this.

I am worrying about something, I feel anxious and nervous. I’m having major surgery. I know the risks and benefits, it’s elective. I do not have to have this surgery, I can choose not to but it will dramatically improve my life. I’ve had surgery before so I know what to expect and what parts make me feel really anxious from experience but I have never had surgery this major before.

I am sick of people asking how I am, then when I say I am nervous or worried, telling me not to worry about it

My boyfriend is the worst for this, he keeps trying to explain all the long term benefits (which I am aware of) but I am talking about the concern over the short term of ie the initial expected pain and restricted mobility. I feel like he is dismissing my feelings about it. It’s not just him.

I think it’s ok to shit yourself about something without people trying to force it to seem less scary?

So what do you want people to say to you then? If you just want to be left alone in your anxiety, say so.

That’s what I mean, I am not asking people for answers. They ask me how I am, I say nervous. I think nervous is just a normal way to feel?

Then tell them you feel fine about it.

I know what you mean, when DP was being investigated for (and eventually diagnosed with) cancer, people kept telling us not to worry. It's OK to worry, sometimes it is good to be able to talk openly and honestly about those worries but often the listener doesn't know how to respond so tries to reassure instead. At times those reassurances sound flippant.

My DH will often say that to me and I’ll reply a bit sarcastically “oh thanks, I didn’t think of that!”

The thing is you can lie and say you're fine and they won't have anything else to say- or tell them that you're worried. Naturally they are trying to allay your fears and help you! If you're happy being anxious then just don't talk about it.

I hear you, OP. I've never liked being told don't worry/it will all be ok and similar sentiments. I've had some counselling training and saying this kind of thing was very much discouraged, as it really dismisses the person's feelings.

People say it because they are trying to be reassuring and they don't know what else to say. It's normal to get anxious about these sorts of things, and obviously you won't worry any less just because someone tells you not to worry.

Try saying it differently 'I'm a bit nervous about x, but it's worth it, so I'll be fine'
If you just say you're nervous people are pretty much compelled to try to make you feel better about it.

There was someone on here a while back who posted that with her DH, she had an agreement that, when discussing a problem, they'd specify whether they were looking for solutions or sympathy. Maybe try that?

Yes I know exactly what you mean. I hate it when people just say 'don't worry' or 'it'll be fine' or 'you've got this', when actually you just want to say that you're worried or nervous and have someone to share that feeling with.

But loads of people aren't very good listeners, and they don't know how to just listen without 'fixing' something or saying that it won't happen, which is often the opposite of what is needed.

I know one or two people who are very good listeners, who can make me feel better about something just by being there, by listening, by making occasional comments, but not just dismissing my worries.

There is a state in between being happy being anxious, and having your worries just dismissed and told you shouldn't worry!! And sensitive people can see what the difference is and can just listen or let you be anxious, and still show that they care about you, etc.

I think you are being unreasonable because what else can people say “oh I’m not surprised, I would be terrified, you know so much could go wrong” etc. If you don’t want to hear people tell you it will be ok, then don’t mention it at all or don’t say you are worried.

It is fine and natural to be nervous, but I think people are just trying to help even if they aren't getting it quite right. I don't think they are intending to be dismissive, they just want to say something they hope might sound as reassuring as possible rather than ignoring you.

I agree that simply saying "don't worry" is a bit pointless because you can't help it, but I think they are trying to be nice.

I’m not sure what you expect from people in response to you saying you’re nervous. Yes, it’s a meaningless platitude and does nothing to take away the worry, but the alternative is they just ignore what you said and don’t say anything.

It's all very well intentioned, and I don't doubt that people are being nice, but it's also still very unhelpful.

There is plenty that they could say, that would acknowledge worries without sounding dismissive, that would show caring about someone who feels nervous without invalidating their feelings, that reassures without making you feel like it was pointless saying anything to them - when you are with one of those people, you can tell the difference immediately.

I know what you mean OP; ‘don’t worry’ can sound a bit dismissive, as if someone is trying to bat your problem away. Better to acknowledge your feelings and not try to ‘solve’ them. However, other people don’t work to our scripts, and they’re probably trying to be nice.

See ppl don't get it, no empathy, you just want to vent a bit and someone understand. Hope it all goes ok

@RockWhatRock

I’m not sure what you expect from people in response to you saying you’re nervous. Yes, it’s a meaningless platitude and does nothing to take away the worry, but the alternative is they just ignore what you said and don’t say anything.

When I was struggling with the fact that DP has terminal cancer the people who helped the most were those that just listened while I spewed out my fears and worries. I quickly learned that most people who ask "How are you?" don't really want to know and certainly don't want to listen.

I think I have had too much of my own counselling which is why I instantly recognise it as feeling dismissed. I am sorry for people who have felt this way regarding more serious health worries than mine.

I think it’s good to talk about worry in a normal way. It’s ok to worry about some things, you don’t need to take it away from someone or lie to them so they don’t know you are worried.

For context I am not sitting around doing nothing but worrying, I have kept myself busy, have made lots of planned distractions and focuses.

I will talk to him, as it really does drive me mad he does things like this a lot. I know he thinks it’s helpful but I am not asking for his help and never phrase it in a ‘help me’ way. If I want help with anything I will ask directly

YANBU but it is a natural thing I think to try and minimise people's worries. I have realised this in myself and actively try to be open about things like this...'I'm really nervous about it, even though it's the right thing to do and I know rationally it will be OK, it still feels scary to me'. Because then people realise that you know all the actual facts, you're doing it anyway, you don't need them to explain why it's not scary (to them), or tell you there's nothing to worry about. All you need is their understanding and support.

I try and do the same with DD, and help her to use the right words, is it nervous, scared, worried, etc. And then we say 'it's completely OK to be nervous about this, because it's new/difficult/unknown, feeling nervous is fine, we just have to make sure it doesn't stop us from doing it.'

I don't think that last bit is relevant to you at all really! Except it IS OK to feel nervous or worried about something like this, and I think when people try and explain it away it's because they haven't really thought about the mechanics fear or worry in these situations.

I mean....'don't worry' pretty much never stopped anyone worrying in this context, I don't think 'don't cry' ever really worked either. These are our feelings and telling us not have them only makes us hide them, it doesn't make them go away at all.

Oh, you didn't need me to post at all!

But I'm with you!

@RockWhatRock

I’m not sure what you expect from people in response to you saying you’re nervous. Yes, it’s a meaningless platitude and does nothing to take away the worry, but the alternative is they just ignore what you said and don’t say anything.

I suppose it might help me to vent but help other people to understand this?

When someone is worried you could just acknowledge it, you do not need to add on graphic details in any way (or your mums aunties neighbours experience) or fix it.

you can just say to people
‘is there anything I can do to help you?’
‘I can imagine you do feel worried/that does sound stressful, I really hope you are ok’
‘let me know if you need anything’
‘I am here for you if you ever want to talk’

the answer to all of these is going to be ‘thank you’ and the person has felt listened to, knows you are there for them etc

Today what BF said to me in response to worrying about pain and mobility was don’t worry about it and we could go on holiday at some point 😂

Telling someone not to worry is disregarding your feelings.

Its telling you that your feelings aren’t valid which is why it’s annoying. It’s the same as saying don’t get annoyed, don’t get upset. You already are upset / annoyed / worried so telling someone not to do that doesn’t help!

It should be more what’s making you anxious / upset / angry. So the person can try to understand the root cause

It's natural for people to want to make things better.
You need to find people in your life who understand what you need.

I have 3 sisters.
Say I told them all individually that I was nervous about something.
One would come back with something in her life that was 'worse'.
One would give me a tinkly "it'll be fine".
One would allow me to talk, would listen, would ask if I wanted her opinion, or might offer it in a gentle way e.g. 'what worked for me.....'

You need to find your 'sister'

Men often want to fix things. Sometimes they can't deal with uncertainty, distress or just sitting with it. Ppl often can't tolerate these, protecting themselves. I trained mine to say oh dear but it's minimal.