When people tell you not to worry

[Menora]

AIBU too precious about this.

I am worrying about something, I feel anxious and nervous. I’m having major surgery. I know the risks and benefits, it’s elective. I do not have to have this surgery, I can choose not to but it will dramatically improve my life. I’ve had surgery before so I know what to expect and what parts make me feel really anxious from experience but I have never had surgery this major before.

I am sick of people asking how I am, then when I say I am nervous or worried, telling me not to worry about it

My boyfriend is the worst for this, he keeps trying to explain all the long term benefits (which I am aware of) but I am talking about the concern over the short term of ie the initial expected pain and restricted mobility. I feel like he is dismissing my feelings about it. It’s not just him.

I think it’s ok to shit yourself about something without people trying to force it to seem less scary?

I know what you mean, op. I also hate it when people say, oh my sister's next door neighbour's brother had that and he was fine. They always want to connect to whatever it is and know about it - again, taking away your right to what you feel, almost.

You feel how you feel ! Someone telling you not worry will not stop the worry.
It isn’t recognising your feelings - it’s dismissing them.
Tell you DH it’s no help or comfort to feel told how to feel.

I know what you mean OP. I think it depends how they say it. If it's just dismissive like "ah, you'll be fine. Bob next door had that and he sailed through it!" then that's a bit shit. I quite like it when DH or someone says don't worry and then compares it to something I've overcome in the past, so more like (paraphrase) "you are tough as old boots, you've been fine in the past, remember X? and you'll be fine now because you are resourceful" or something like that.

I have a good friend that actually seems to love it when I get into all the gory horror of her problems. I always feel a bit funny saying how horrific I find something and even get emotional about it. I don't think that would be something most people would want to hear when they are worried but I'm happy to support her in this way.

It's sometimes so hard to know what to do and say. Everyone is different. I'm in my 40's and I was raised to be polite and a bit dismissive around emotions and problems - that's wrong and I feel pressure to do better, sometimes I don't know what that is though. I know I'm very private about things because I don't want to 'cause a scene' (thanks family).

My best wishes with what you are going through x

Thanks all. I did tell him how I feel
He said that he didn’t see any point worrying about something until it happened

I asked him if he has ever given birth or had major surgery, taken painkillers that make you constipated, had bladder damage from surgery etc, turns out he hasn’t. I said that it was coming across as dismissive. In an ideal wonderful world I will have a great recovery. In reality it’s going to be painful and messy

Absolutely. Validation is a MUCH better response than basically telling you to do something impossible and weird. "oh OK I'll just assume it'll be fine and stop the thoughts coming in in the first place" what?
Drives me insane.

Completely agree with you. It's rude and dismissive. It shows a complete lack of empathy.

Me: "I feel xyz"
Them: "Don't feel xyz"
How on earth do they think that is in any way helpful?

YANBU @Menora. I hope your op goes well, and your worries turn out to be unfounded. But I get you. Sometimes you just want someone to hold your hand and acknowledge your worry. Platitudes and saying ‘you’ll be fine’ don’t actually stop you worrying, it just makes you feel like you’re not allowed to talk about it.

It's one of those social niceties that's been ingrained in us. It's not until you're on the receiving end that you realise it's a shit response rather than the sympathetic one people seem to think it is. There isn't much you can do about it.

I get it

YANBU, is he ready for the reality of recovering from surgery? He's talking about the benefits, but thats a way off. the reality is who's going to help you use a bedpan.

People aren't perfect and don't always behave perfectly but don't drive people away. Before long you might have no one left and then you will have something to worry about.

People often 'mean well' but it reality banal platitudes can be unhelpful. There is no point wasting energy by getting annoyed with the majority of this.
With the people that actually matter ( nearest and dearest) just preface what you say with 'I'm only venting my worries, please don't think I'm asking for a solution'.
Lastly, I would say that, perhaps sometimes, those people are witnessing an anxious person heading down an unhealthy route that is detrimental to their mental health and are gently trying to steer them to a more constructive path. Whilst I do know not to minimise people feelings in the way you have discussed, my SIL is prone to anxiety and panic attacks and she does wind herself up in the most spectacular ways unless someone steers her off that path.
I have a 16 yr old with Aspergers so I know what it is to live with an anxiety condition.
All the best OP

I can’t laugh as it hurts but no he wasn’t prepared and he is half useless! 😂

I completely agree OP. I've had a shitty year with health problems with lots of well meaning 'try not to worry' 'you have to stay positive' comments and they do grate on me. I don't believe in denying people their feelings. All you have to do is allow people to talk about their worries and how they're feeling, if they wish to do so.