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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mums being too controlling?

49 replies

chooselifenow · 19/05/2021 20:25

Will try and keep it short. I am a 29 year old single mum, I am in a full time job after getting my honours degree last year. I make around £2000 a month and have managed to save around £500 a month.

This will sound pathetic but I have never been good with money, I have borderline personality disorder and have always been frivolous with my money. During my teen years and early twenties my mum had to bail me out of a lot of debt. However, as I've gotten a bit older, I've gotten a lot better. For example, in my teens and early twenties I would spend my money on what I wanted and worry about bills later whereas now I know my bills come first.

Anyway when I was a student I would transfer all my benefit and student loan to my mum as soon as I got it and she would divvy it out for bills etc and give me a weekly budget. This has continued this past year since I've been working. This works for me and I don't have a problem with it...well until today really.

Today my friend got in touch and we decided to book one of the countries on the green list for end of august for 4 nights. I've not been abroad in 4 years and we got a good deal for £300 including flights and accommodation. I didn't have the money in my account since my mum is in control but I knew I had it in my savings that my mum had control of.

So my friend booked it and I said I would give him the money once my mum had finished work and could transfer. When I told my mum she was livid. She said I hadn't factored in costs of Covid tests, hotel transfers and spends. She was fuming and text me, 'FUCK YOU...I am so done...'

She has reluctantly sent over the money since it's paid for but she's not happy and I just feel like a shadow is cast upon something I was excited for. I wish I could just cancel now but I can't. I'm so upset. Me and my mum are close and rarely argue but she is really upset today. However, on the other hand I think well I have money sitting there, it's not as if I'm asking her for money but I think she wanted me to save that for a rainy day or to put towards a house etc.

Just to add I never borrow or ask her for any money ever.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DancesWithFelines · 19/05/2021 20:29

YANBU, you are working and entitled to have a break away. The whole thing with your mum managing your money is quite unusual, I can see why it might have helped when you were younger but surely it can’t continue forever?

1Morewineplease · 19/05/2021 20:30

You need to take control of your own money and budgeting.
You're old enough now.

lordalmighty · 19/05/2021 20:30

You need to start taking control of your own finances. The arrangement you have presently clearly isn't working for either of you. Your mum should not be dictating how or what you spend your wages on, but that's what you have asked her to do by making her responsible for sorting out your finances. The way she spoke to you was unacceptable, however, and you should address that with her.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 19/05/2021 20:31

Jesus that's not normal! Either you're a risk to yourself or your mum is totally controlling!! You're 29 and a parent. Your mum needs to be cut out if your finances.

Moonshine11 · 19/05/2021 20:32

You need to get your own money back now

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 19/05/2021 20:32

Fuck that noise. You're mum has been a great help to you over the years and to be honest, you have been lucky to have that, but she's really overstepping the mark here. It sounds like you both need to readjust to you being a big girl and being able to manage on your own.

CrumpetHunter · 19/05/2021 20:37

You need to take your money back immediately. This is a very unhealthy and dangerous dynamic. You need a new system - perhaps transferring a chunk into a savings account as soon as you get paid so you can't touch it (and just really working on your self-control).
No person should ever be speaking to you how your DM spoke to you. How absurd! It's your money. She's absolutely correct that you haven't factored in a lot of things that you really should've done and you haven't made a sensible decision (like, it's the green list now but that doesn't mean it will be in August). But, that's not her decision to make and she has no right to be angry about it at all - concerned, perhaps, but not angry.

GroggyLegs · 19/05/2021 20:39

You say she's bailed you out of 'a lot' of debt not that long ago. While I think it's awful to say 'Fuck you' to your child, I can understand she might feel she's seen this all before & does not want to bail you out again.

Was a holiday one of the things she bailed you out for?
Have you paid her back for the debts?
Is she expected to babysit & you didn't ask her first?

Anyway, It's harsh but if you're responsible enough to be a mother, gain a degree & hold down a job bringing in 40k+ a year, I feel sure you can find a way to manage your own finances.

CrumpetHunter · 19/05/2021 20:42

@GroggyLegs

You say she's bailed you out of 'a lot' of debt not that long ago. While I think it's awful to say 'Fuck you' to your child, I can understand she might feel she's seen this all before & does not want to bail you out again.

Was a holiday one of the things she bailed you out for?
Have you paid her back for the debts?
Is she expected to babysit & you didn't ask her first?

Anyway, It's harsh but if you're responsible enough to be a mother, gain a degree & hold down a job bringing in 40k+ a year, I feel sure you can find a way to manage your own finances.

£40,000?!
legalseagull · 19/05/2021 20:43

@GroggyLegs

You say she's bailed you out of 'a lot' of debt not that long ago. While I think it's awful to say 'Fuck you' to your child, I can understand she might feel she's seen this all before & does not want to bail you out again.

Was a holiday one of the things she bailed you out for?
Have you paid her back for the debts?
Is she expected to babysit & you didn't ask her first?

Anyway, It's harsh but if you're responsible enough to be a mother, gain a degree & hold down a job bringing in 40k+ a year, I feel sure you can find a way to manage your own finances.

You mean 24k?
Original poster
chooselifenow · 19/05/2021 20:51

I don't owe her any money from debt now, we sorted all that out and it has been paid back. Also no, my daughter is at her dads that weekend so don't expect her to have her.

OP posts:
GroggyLegs · 19/05/2021 20:58

I assumed 2k was take home after tax & NI.

I actually took my own take home wage after tax, NI and pension .etc and multiplied up to get 40 (I can dream) which was a clumsy way to do it, I guess it's nearer 30 if 2k is take home.

But whatever, principle remains unchanged. 24k is a grown up wage for a functioning adult.

OwlTwitterings · 19/05/2021 21:01

I think you should say something else up for your money such as premium bonds or a secure savings account, so that you can’t readily dip into it but you have full control and access as and when you need it.

Returnoftheowl · 19/05/2021 21:04

You need to take back control of your money. You're an adult with a job and a child, you shouldn't be asking your mum for your own money.

Howshouldibehave · 19/05/2021 21:07

She sounds very controlling but what’s the history? How much did she bail you out to the tune of?

sunshinesontv · 19/05/2021 21:15

It sounds as if your mum has helped you out a lot and seen you make a lot of financial mistakes.

I don't feel that any of us can criticise her because, by being on control of your money, she has helped you into a much stronger and more responsible financial position.

However, you have a good job now and have learnt how to manage your money yourself so I agree with pp that it is time to take back control.

My only caveat would be if you still have significant debt, still owe your mum money, or are supposed to be saving up to move out of your mums house.

sunshinesontv · 19/05/2021 21:16

And I agree with your mum that it won't be £300 after factoring in spending money and covid related expenses.

Tickledtrout · 19/05/2021 21:23

YANBU. Have you ever considered the root of your bpd? Your mum's reaction isn't loving or respectful. And are you receiving talking therapy to support you to overcome it and make sense of your relationship with her?

Original poster
chooselifenow · 19/05/2021 21:23

No I privately rent but my mum and me have discussed that my savings would go towards a house. However, we didn't agree that all of my savings would, I still thought I was able to live a little.

OP posts:
independentfriend · 19/05/2021 21:29

If having somebody portion money out for you helps you to manage, get somebody you trust other than your mum to take over the role - it's not helpful to your relationship as adults for her to have that sort of authority.

mainsfed · 19/05/2021 21:32

Stop transfering money to your mum as of now.

I have seen the most trustworthy people succumb to spending their family member's money.

LittleOwl153 · 19/05/2021 21:33

You need to sort out your own money. You mum has too.much control over your life.
Speak to your bank. You can set up a budgeting account which can operate the same way as your mum is within a set of rules you establish. You will need a level of self control but the money won't be under your nose constantly.

JackANackAnoreeee · 19/05/2021 21:34

Take back your money OP. Perhps keep some of your savings in an account that is more difficult to access and some in your main account for treats for your and your DD.

3scape · 19/05/2021 21:35

Definitely change the finances. Saving up for a house is definitely a great aim, but it's a longer term one. How much do you usually set aside as "holiday" budget?

3scape · 19/05/2021 21:37

Not that I mean you need to tell me, is this significantly more? Does she think you shouldn't have a holiday without your child? Either way. Does she often talk to you like that?

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