Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think my mums being too controlling?

49 replies

chooselifenow · 19/05/2021 20:25

Will try and keep it short. I am a 29 year old single mum, I am in a full time job after getting my honours degree last year. I make around £2000 a month and have managed to save around £500 a month.

This will sound pathetic but I have never been good with money, I have borderline personality disorder and have always been frivolous with my money. During my teen years and early twenties my mum had to bail me out of a lot of debt. However, as I've gotten a bit older, I've gotten a lot better. For example, in my teens and early twenties I would spend my money on what I wanted and worry about bills later whereas now I know my bills come first.

Anyway when I was a student I would transfer all my benefit and student loan to my mum as soon as I got it and she would divvy it out for bills etc and give me a weekly budget. This has continued this past year since I've been working. This works for me and I don't have a problem with it...well until today really.

Today my friend got in touch and we decided to book one of the countries on the green list for end of august for 4 nights. I've not been abroad in 4 years and we got a good deal for £300 including flights and accommodation. I didn't have the money in my account since my mum is in control but I knew I had it in my savings that my mum had control of.

So my friend booked it and I said I would give him the money once my mum had finished work and could transfer. When I told my mum she was livid. She said I hadn't factored in costs of Covid tests, hotel transfers and spends. She was fuming and text me, 'FUCK YOU...I am so done...'

She has reluctantly sent over the money since it's paid for but she's not happy and I just feel like a shadow is cast upon something I was excited for. I wish I could just cancel now but I can't. I'm so upset. Me and my mum are close and rarely argue but she is really upset today. However, on the other hand I think well I have money sitting there, it's not as if I'm asking her for money but I think she wanted me to save that for a rainy day or to put towards a house etc.

Just to add I never borrow or ask her for any money ever.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 19/05/2021 21:40

She helped you out but is now dictating. Time to take full responsibility for your own finances.

crosstalk · 19/05/2021 22:16

She might be right that Covid tests and Lord Forbid quarantining for 14 days on return might be a problem. Insurance?

Justmuddlingalong · 19/05/2021 22:25

The mum might well be right, but it's not her money or choice to put the breaks on it happening.

Original poster

chooselifenow · 19/05/2021 22:26

If i had to quarantine then I wouldn't go. I admit I should have looked into it further I just got carried away with the excitement of it all

OP posts:

BigHeadBertha · 19/05/2021 22:47

So, you and your mother agreed that she would be in charge of your finances. Then you went behind her back and spent money without consulting her?

If that's accurate, then how is that her being too controlling? Sounds to me more like you setting her up, then going behind her back, and finally, trying to twist the narrative tbh.

You said you've gotten into deep financial trouble before and she's bailed you out. And also that you have borderline personality disorder- which is serious and does not typically go away. You don't say how long you've had this job but it does sound like you're doing better now, or it did, until this.

If you feel that you're ready to resume control of your own finances now, why not have a discussion with her about it like an adult rather than play games? Or was her involvement court ordered?

Obviously, she shouldn't have said "F*ck you" to you but from what you've said, you are not innocent here either. Good luck to you.

BigHeadBertha · 19/05/2021 22:51

@chooselifenow

If i had to quarantine then I wouldn't go. I admit I should have looked into it further I just got carried away with the excitement of it all

And isn't this exactly the type of behavior that got you into trouble and that your mother was kind enough to bail you out of in the first place?

PurpleSplodge · 19/05/2021 22:53

OP do you get statements for your savings account?

titchy · 19/05/2021 23:05

Be really honest with yourself, do you think you are able to manage your money sensibly now? Or do you still need her to keep you on the straight and narrow?

On the face if it she seems massively controlling of her adult child. But on the other hand if you'd find yourself without enough to pay your rent because of your MH issues and you have both agreed this is the best way she can support you then she has a point - you had an agreement and have reneged on it.

I think you need a sensible conversation with her about how to move forward and begin to reduce your dependency on her. Maybe agree she can save £400 a month but that £100 a month goes into another savings account that you can spend on clothes or holidays or make up?

Feelingconfused2020 · 19/05/2021 23:15

Your mum has no right at all to control your money and isn't helping you at all. How will you learn to be sensible with money if she has all this control and has to to give you permission for every penny you spend. It sounds like a very controlling unbalanced relationship. I am very surprised anyone thinks what she is doing is ok. If a partner was doing this he/she would be considered abusive.

I also think if you are saving £500pm then you can afford covid tests and insurance so I don't see why you've done anything so irresponsible.

You say your mum bailed you out of debts in your teens. You're 29 now and have paid off the debt. If there's not a backstory involving gambling or house reposession or loan sharks banging down the door or you actually stealing from her then I don't see your mum's behaviour as even remotely proportionate.

feckwit · 19/05/2021 23:19

You’ve put your mum in control which has given her a say. Time to stop now and take your own control x

TheJackieWeaver · 19/05/2021 23:21

You need to take back contrll of your own money. With online banks like Monzo or Starling, you can set up different ‘pots’ of money so that when you get paid you automatically move money into the “holiday” pot, the “house deposit” pot, etc. I even have pots for school uniform, gifts, haircuts etc so that it is all budgeted for.

CorianderBee · 19/05/2021 23:22

Agree with getting a Monzo and setting up pots - it takes a day or two rot transfer from the pot to your bank and this can help with impulse spending. You can also set budgets and it will alert you if you go over.

Does the money you send go into your mums account? This may cause issues with inheritance if something happens to her. Do you know how much you have in savings that she is keeping?

LawnFever · 19/05/2021 23:23

@crosstalk

She might be right that Covid tests and Lord Forbid quarantining for 14 days on return might be a problem. Insurance?

Yes there might be additional costs but the OP is a 29 year old adult, it’s her decision and her own money this is insane

LawnFever · 19/05/2021 23:26

Thus set up needs to stop now, stop transferring money to your mum, get your savings back in your own name and in a long term savings account.

How much is in your savings? Is that money in your name or your mums name?

You’re an adult, this isn’t normal or healthy for her to have so much control over your finances.

RevolvingPivot · 19/05/2021 23:31

Her mums doing what was asked. My sister does the same for me.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/05/2021 23:35

I do the same for my DB as he likes to behave like a millionaire on a £40k salary. However, whenever he asks for some of his savings I just transfer it to him with no questions asked.

MrsClatterbuck · 19/05/2021 23:36

I hope the savings isn't just in your mum's name as if anything happened to her how would you prove that was your money. The bank would freeze the account andnit would form part of her estate. To all intents and purpose that money is hers legally if only in her name.

goatsgalore · 20/05/2021 12:21

Have you seen the amount you have saved in a bank account?

Could your mum possibly be spending it and is angry that she no longer has the money you want for your holiday?

JellyNo15 · 20/05/2021 12:30

While I don't think your mum should have spoken to you like that, and you need to be in control of your own finances, I can see she is concerned. She must have been so stressed worried when you were in debt and she is scared that you will repeat your previous action, and she may have a point when you say you got carried away and didn't factor in other expenses.
Try and see it from her point and reassure her you are on top of things now.

MargosKaftan · 20/05/2021 13:29

If you want to take control back, you need 3 bank accounts.

Account 1 is your current account. Your wage is paid into that.

Account 2 is your bills account. All bills go out of that. You work out what your bills are and each month on th day you get paid, you have an automatic transfer over to that account that is °more than the bills total (to allow for one month having a bill a bit higher than normal). You set up direct debts from it and while you view it regularly to make sure you don't need to top it up, you have a rule that only bills can be paid for by that money.

Account 3 is a savings account. You can decide what you are saving for, but you need one.

That way, what's in your current account is your money to spend. You could put it all in the savings account and each Sunday transfer back your weekly allowance.

A lot of people struggle to budget and save from their spending account. Keeping it in separate accounts that you can see but know not to access can help.

MargosKaftan · 20/05/2021 13:32

But that said, perhaps you need to see this as an example of what your mum is worried about. You have just thought about the holiday cost, not the full trip cost before deciding if you can afford it and adding it all up.

Testing, quarantine costs, insurance, food and drink budget while there, will you need new clothes? New luggage? Travel to and from the airport... theres a lot more than the travel agent cost.

Shelby2010 · 20/05/2021 13:59

It does sound like you just booked a weekend away on impulse without thinking it through. However, as it sounds like you can afford it, it’s hard to say whether or not it’s an issue.

Is this the kind of spending that your mum is helping you with?

My suggestion is that you start taking more control of your finances, but still with some support. So, initially set up a savings account. After taking the bills out, your mum transfers the rest to you. You then decide how much to save & how much to spend. After 6 months, see if you have been able to save as much as you’d have liked to. And if not, whether looking back you’re happy with what you spent the money on.

It’s all very well posters telling you to take back control, but first you need see if you’ve learnt self-control.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/05/2021 14:04

You should thank her very much for helping you, but get your money back under your control now, and certainly don’t transfer any more.

RevolvingPivot · 20/05/2021 16:17

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

You should thank her very much for helping you, but get your money back under your control now, and certainly don’t transfer any more.

But she's admitted she's no good with money and this is an example of why she asks her mum to look after it. If she has it she will probably be in debt again.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread