How unreasonable was I? And my Dad (long!)?

[PatchWorkAnnie]

Backstory-I have a small family. Only child to my Mum and Dad (my Dad is also an only child), my Mum has my half sister from her first marriage-and my Sister has her husband and two adult children. Nobody else really.

Over the years we've gone for various meals out together, like you do, for occasions or as a treat, once this was just my sister, me, mum and niece-but ALL of the other times it has been all of us-sometimes with my Mum's brother who lives in another country but obviously she is not there often.

I have a partner who I met last year. We don't see much of one another, we often work opposing shifts, and covid...And we live a good two hours apart.

I've never had a good relationship. I've never married, no children (over the hill for them now) and I have never had a happy relationship, they've either been toxic in whichever manner they were, or downright abusive (one of them nearly cost me my life). I don't know if this is relevant!

My partner now, I think I will marry. It's so different-so calm, and peaceful, and just lovely. I feel good about this one. Happy-although I have had some issues spring up that I never knew I had (trying to fix)!

Anyway a few months ago my Mum mentioned a new restaurant that looked nice and that she thought we might try it after the covid period has eased. I said yes of course, sounds nice.

A few weeks ago she came here and asked me to look at the menu as she was going to book it. I looked at the menu online-but it came up then that she meant just me, her and my Dad. I think I looked surprised-I think I must have, and I said 'oh just us? I didn't know that, I thought (sister) and (bro in law/kids) were coming too!'
'Oh no, I thought just us!'

I then said 'depending on when you book, (partner) may be here-is she okay to come?

My mum didn't have much to say on it-didn't say no, said something about she may not like the food (she is from a more WC background than me, doesn't bother me and I don't think it bothers her, but it is evident sometimes).

I said I am sure it'll be fine, she may not want to, may not be here anyway!

But it was very casual and my Mum booked the table for three.

Fast forward to tonight.

I called in at my parents to collect a plant my Mum had bought for me (I've quite recently moved nearby).

Conversation turned to this matter and I said 'oh if it is booked for X date, I am not sure if (partner) is here or not.

Dad 'Oh you're thinking (partner) might be coming'

Me 'I'm not sure, I think she's here this week but I will have to check my diary, I can't remember!'

A tirade ensued then-I am trying to remember the exact order it went in but something like;

'SHE WONT WANT TO EAT ANY OF THE FOOD ON THE MENU AND IT WILL RUIN THE MEAL FOR ALL OF US!'

'DID YOU NOT THINK WE'D WANT TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH YOU, JUST YOU!?

I responded(without shouting, I so rarely raise my voice and I could never do it as loud as him)! that no, I didn't really get that, and until quite recently I had thought this meal was for us as in everybody-I didn't know it was meant to be just us 3.

'I DONT BELEIVE YOU!!'

Me You don't have to believe me but, well why would I? Have we ever done that? Since I have been an adult have we ever eaten together the three of us? It's always all of us?'

Mum 'Yes but that's at night!'

Me 'Well, no (mention occasions where it has been during the day and still most or all of us)

Mum starts reading the menu to me asking if there's actually anything on it she'd like, Dad tells her to shut up he's asking me a question.

'DO YOU REALLY NOT THINK WE'D WANT IT TO BE JUST THE THREE OF US! THERE'S ALWAYS SOME FUCKING ANGSTATHON WITH YOU!ALWAYS YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO DO THIS! EVEN THE **ING BARBEQUE YOU'RE PLANNING HAS ONE (Prior to this conversation I had mentioned I was going to have a BBQ soon, but I did not want to invite a particular (quite distant) neighbour that I talk to because their little girl won't leave my dog alone and although my dog isn't unfriendly, I would feel I had to watch them all day to make sure all was okay, I'll be busy)

I then said something like, 'It's fine, I will come by myself then. (Partner) is very understanding and she may not even be here anyway!'

'HAVE YOU TOLD HER ALREADY?!'

'I think I mentioned something but not when it is or anything'

'SO YOU HAVE TOLD HER?!'

'Well, sort of but months ago and all I said was we might be going to a restaurant at some point-I didn't know when and I didn't say definitely-she'd have forgotten all about it by now!'

My Dad continued to shout, and he is so loud. He's always been the same, cannot make his point without raising his voice. Used to petrify me as a child and has probably been the source of a lot of my relationship problems.

Eventually I just got up and said I was leaving and I don't know what he said as I left but as I left I did say 'I just don't want this, don't want to be shouted at, to be honest'.

(I also said at some point, that they were in a couple and so was I so what was wrong with all of us, but I can't remember exactly where in the conversation I said that so I don't want to imply that I do, it was early on though).

I am not sure. This sort of encounter used to really upset me. I just feel numb to be honest. This isn't really a good thing-I actually feel a lot of numbness where I think I should feel love, I know my partner is wonderful but I don't get the emotional high I should get-I think I've kind of shut myself down over the years.

I appreciate I was wrong to assume it was a whole family thing, but I think I have good grounds to assume that because this has literally never happened before. If my Mum, upon first mentioning it had said;
'Your Dad wants to take just me and you out for lunch when (restaurant) opens again, do you fancy it?' or similar, I would have known it was an 'us three' thing and would have been absolutely fine with it, albeit probably a tad nervous.

But she didn't.

How do I sort this?

I don't want us to not get along. They're both in their latter years.

I also don't know if to tell my partner. I've told her I walked out mid-conversation, she only knows what my Dad is like because I have told her, she's never witnessed it. She asked what it was about and I said 'Something and nothing...' Or such.

As it is, she won't be here on that day anyway.

And I forgot my lovely plant.

Any opinions on any of it welcome.

TIA

:)

I am reading all of the replies..I have to go to work soon but will respond as soon as I can. Thank you all.

Wholly disproportionate reaction to a minor misunderstanding. Yanbu but your father is behaving like an ass and not for the first time. Is he often like this? Sounds like he might have been terrorising you for years.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry. Your dad is a massive bully - there’s honestly no excuse for shouting at you like that, particularly over a tiny misunderstanding that absolutely wasn’t your fault in the first place.

You have done nothing wrong - you’re just the victim of an unreasonable and bullying parent. Please believe me that decent, respectful people could have had a conversation in which they advised you they wanted it to just be the three of you without shouting or saying horrible things about you.

I’m proud of you for walking out of a toxic environment. Do you think you’d feel comfortable communicating with your dad by text to tell him he has no right to shout at you, and that you expect him to apologise for it?

Please don’t feel guilty either if you decide that reducing contact is the right thing for you to do. You are under no obligation to deliver yourself into the hands of a bully, and if there’s no prospect of your dad acknowledging his behaviour and apologising then reducing contact may be the only way you can protect yourself from him.

Your Dad is an abuser- to you.
Reduce contact.

Wow. I would never stand for my parents treating me like this over something that is supposed to be a nice treat.

Your dad's behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and so clearly the root of the problems you have dealt with over the years. If my child's partner, whom they don't get to see very often, was in town, it would be a no-brainer that they would come along. And WTF is with the argument that she won't like anything on the menu and ruin it. Your parent's are so far out of line on this.

If they really wanted to see you alone, they should have gently said "Oh, we were hoping to have some time with just you as we've missed you. Should we re-schedule to a time when your partner isn't visiting?". But, then again, if this is someone you are planning to marry, they should be welcoming this person with open arms to all events. I'm sorry for you in this situation.

I know why you are fussying with the detail and whys and wherefores but

Why are you focussed on the detail? Pull up and look at the big picture.

How he /they treated you is not nice and not OK. It doesnt matter why,

Good people don't speak to anyone that way, but they speak to their only, beloved daughter like she is an enemy/cockroach/scum (take your pick)

Stop looking at the detail and decide if you are happy to be treated like this by people who are supposed to love you more than anything.

And there is no way I would be going for a meal with those people anytime soon. With my partner or not. They owe you a massive apology.

There was no need for any of the shouting or nastiness. It could've been resolved very easily with a normal conversation. I don't understand why they were so angry either apart from they simply didn't want your partner there.

Would they be embarrassed to be in public/at a meal out with a gay couple?

"if there isn't a back story, then I'd probably apologise to my Dad for jumping to conclusions, and say that I'd love to go out for a meal with just the 2 of them"

Why should she apologise (!!) to her dad after he shouted at her like that? He should be apologising to her... it was completely unnecessary.

I don’t think you can see how truly awful your father is.

This is not about a lunch, it’s not about your partner. This is about your father being a manipulative bully. I am certain you have a plethora of examples of this.

Distancing yourself is the only way you stand a chance at a happy life.

You are only now really starting to question if this is normal, you know it really is not normal, so so far from normal.

Your parents are nasty. Suggest seeing a whole lot less of them. Sure, meet for meals - with or without your partner - but take a step back from being in and out of their house, and being available for a meal at a date and time to suit them. Perhaps think of them like colleagues, not confidantes - as they use that closeness to bully you.

My wife's family are a bit like this. They would rather it was just the three of them - and we have been together for twenty years with two kids

It's not really knowing how to respond to the relationship so avoiding having to. They also struggle to treat her like an adult and are quite infantilising of her, which they aren't able to do when I am there as I will polite address it. Have they met previous girlfriends? If so, how did they react?

Sorry it has taken so long to come back-work has been manic.

Pickingdaisies

OP, I know you've been conditioned into thinking you have to just take his abuse, but you really don't. It doesn't matter why they wanted it to be just the three of you. It doesn't matter whether you knew that or not. Your dad was all set up to have a shout at you, he put you into the role of lying daughter because that way he can blame you. You can't reason or prove he's wrong. He doesn't care about that.

I know you're right here. And I will walk out every time.

randommess

Yes, I am going to walk out-and I will say someting like that 'get in touch when you can be civil please'.

Natty sorry that y ou have gone through the same-the fact he changed gives me hope. My Dad unfortunately is like this to an extent with most people, but I have always got the worst of it, I guess being his only child.

Vivi0 Thank you. I had no idea what to expect in replies really.

whatonearth so insightful! He absolutely will slate me to my Sister-I am waiting for that. Luckily she's away at the moment though.

I am definitely infantised by them, I guess as I am an only and haven't ever been in a serious relationship as far as they are concerned (I came out late twenties and didn't live near them then so they didn't have to know).

Comtesse yes he has always been like this, at times much worse and for much longer periods. He fell out with me last year over something so so trivial it was ridiculous. I didn't thank him in the right tone of voice for something, or something like that-and he didn't speak to me for months.

snappymcsnapface

I’m proud of you for walking out of a toxic environment. Do you think you’d feel comfortable communicating with your dad by text to tell him he has no right to shout at you, and that you expect him to apologise for it?

thank you. No I really wouldn't feel comfortable with that-OR the reply I know I would get (an angry one I imagine)!

moynomore that is exactly how I feel-why couldnt it have been addressed like that?
Beyond me.

seatosky this is more or less what my partner said when I went into more detail (I haven't told her what it was about, unnecessary) *
Good people don't speak to anyone that way, but they speak to their only, beloved daughter like she is an enemy/cockroach/scum (take your pick)* she said you shuold tell him 'I hope he's proud of the way he speaks to his daughter'. I am not sure how he'd react at all if I did.

Thanks skyblue. I haven't apologied.

Talistker you're right-I could write a book tbh.

Tooshy yes they have, only one. They hated her and she was welcome nowhere. But she was awful really, so I can't feel I can compare the two situations.

Anyway my Mum rang me about a different thing altogether yesterday.

She then said 'So what do you think we do about (restaurant) now?
I said I was still willing to come by myself. She said my Dad had said he wasn't feeling well. I reminded her she has a friend who currently has 5 months to live, who I am sure does not speak to people like my Dad spoke to me.

I told her I was not willing to be called a liar, and that if my Dad addressed me like that again, I will walk out every single time no matter what. She said he spoke to her like that too, and I said 'I didn't marry him'.

Asked if I understood why they wanted it to be me on my own and I said 'Yes, what do you think would have happened if Dad had said 'Ah that's a shame, we really would like it to be just us three, is that not possible'

I'd have said (again!) that partner may not even be here, and if she was I would speak to her and explain and it would be absolutely fine. I said it was the shouting I had a problem with, not the subject matter.

I also told her (partner) wasn't here that day after all, and she was like 'WHAT?!? So what was all that night about then?! Why did we even discuss it. I said that's proof really that I wasn't listened to, I said right from the get-go that she may not be around.

So, that's that. I haven't apologised, I have said I will still go, and I guess my Dad's 'I didn't feel well' is an acknowledgment that what he did was not right?

Hi Annie, stay strong. He's not going to change if nothing else changes, but you can change your response to him. So if he starts his nonsense, just say goodbye to your mum and walk out without another word. Good luck.

Thank you. Well the lunch was yesterday, and in the morning my Mum messaged me and said (sister) is coming instead of Dad.
He had told her in the morning he was going out. She left it until she was sure he meant it, telling him he was okay to change his mind, and text my sister to explain and ask if she'd like to come instead. So me, my Mum and my Sister went.

Guilt trip?

He has also I noticed, removed himself from our family group on messenger (it was just me, my Mum and him).

I am having a small outdoor gathering on Saturday that he was meant to come to, and he was also meant to be going on a hobby-related trip the day after and taking my Mum with him-but he is also not speaking to her now.
Ugh :(

Not much to add, only that I'm sorry he bullies you like this, and I'm glad you've found a partner who's sounds chilled and easy going about things. It's easy to be Billy big-baws from here, but if I were you I would gradually detach myself a little from him if you can. He doesn't sound like a positive presence in your life.

Sorry to hear this
Do you think he'll show tomorrow?

Well, seeing as it was a fortnight ago, I'd suspect not.