Backstory-I have a small family. Only child to my Mum and Dad (my Dad is also an only child), my Mum has my half sister from her first marriage-and my Sister has her husband and two adult children. Nobody else really.
Over the years we've gone for various meals out together, like you do, for occasions or as a treat, once this was just my sister, me, mum and niece-but ALL of the other times it has been all of us-sometimes with my Mum's brother who lives in another country but obviously she is not there often.
I have a partner who I met last year. We don't see much of one another, we often work opposing shifts, and covid...And we live a good two hours apart.
I've never had a good relationship. I've never married, no children (over the hill for them now) and I have never had a happy relationship, they've either been toxic in whichever manner they were, or downright abusive (one of them nearly cost me my life). I don't know if this is relevant!
My partner now, I think I will marry. It's so different-so calm, and peaceful, and just lovely. I feel good about this one. Happy-although I have had some issues spring up that I never knew I had (trying to fix)!
Anyway a few months ago my Mum mentioned a new restaurant that looked nice and that she thought we might try it after the covid period has eased. I said yes of course, sounds nice.
A few weeks ago she came here and asked me to look at the menu as she was going to book it. I looked at the menu online-but it came up then that she meant just me, her and my Dad. I think I looked surprised-I think I must have, and I said 'oh just us? I didn't know that, I thought (sister) and (bro in law/kids) were coming too!'
'Oh no, I thought just us!'
I then said 'depending on when you book, (partner) may be here-is she okay to come?
My mum didn't have much to say on it-didn't say no, said something about she may not like the food (she is from a more WC background than me, doesn't bother me and I don't think it bothers her, but it is evident sometimes).
I said I am sure it'll be fine, she may not want to, may not be here anyway!
But it was very casual and my Mum booked the table for three.
Fast forward to tonight.
I called in at my parents to collect a plant my Mum had bought for me (I've quite recently moved nearby).
Conversation turned to this matter and I said 'oh if it is booked for X date, I am not sure if (partner) is here or not.
Dad 'Oh you're thinking (partner) might be coming'
Me 'I'm not sure, I think she's here this week but I will have to check my diary, I can't remember!'
A tirade ensued then-I am trying to remember the exact order it went in but something like;
'SHE WONT WANT TO EAT ANY OF THE FOOD ON THE MENU AND IT WILL RUIN THE MEAL FOR ALL OF US!'
'DID YOU NOT THINK WE'D WANT TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH YOU, JUST YOU!?
I responded(without shouting, I so rarely raise my voice and I could never do it as loud as him)! that no, I didn't really get that, and until quite recently I had thought this meal was for us as in everybody-I didn't know it was meant to be just us 3.
'I DONT BELEIVE YOU!!'
Me You don't have to believe me but, well why would I? Have we ever done that? Since I have been an adult have we ever eaten together the three of us? It's always all of us?'
Mum 'Yes but that's at night!'
Me 'Well, no (mention occasions where it has been during the day and still most or all of us)
Mum starts reading the menu to me asking if there's actually anything on it she'd like, Dad tells her to shut up he's asking me a question.
'DO YOU REALLY NOT THINK WE'D WANT IT TO BE JUST THE THREE OF US! THERE'S ALWAYS SOME FUCKING ANGSTATHON WITH YOU!ALWAYS YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO DO THIS! EVEN THE **ING BARBEQUE YOU'RE PLANNING HAS ONE (Prior to this conversation I had mentioned I was going to have a BBQ soon, but I did not want to invite a particular (quite distant) neighbour that I talk to because their little girl won't leave my dog alone and although my dog isn't unfriendly, I would feel I had to watch them all day to make sure all was okay, I'll be busy)
I then said something like, 'It's fine, I will come by myself then. (Partner) is very understanding and she may not even be here anyway!'
'HAVE YOU TOLD HER ALREADY?!'
'I think I mentioned something but not when it is or anything'
'SO YOU HAVE TOLD HER?!'
'Well, sort of but months ago and all I said was we might be going to a restaurant at some point-I didn't know when and I didn't say definitely-she'd have forgotten all about it by now!'
My Dad continued to shout, and he is so loud. He's always been the same, cannot make his point without raising his voice. Used to petrify me as a child and has probably been the source of a lot of my relationship problems.
Eventually I just got up and said I was leaving and I don't know what he said as I left but as I left I did say 'I just don't want this, don't want to be shouted at, to be honest'.
(I also said at some point, that they were in a couple and so was I so what was wrong with all of us, but I can't remember exactly where in the conversation I said that so I don't want to imply that I do, it was early on though).
I am not sure. This sort of encounter used to really upset me. I just feel numb to be honest. This isn't really a good thing-I actually feel a lot of numbness where I think I should feel love, I know my partner is wonderful but I don't get the emotional high I should get-I think I've kind of shut myself down over the years.
I appreciate I was wrong to assume it was a whole family thing, but I think I have good grounds to assume that because this has literally never happened before. If my Mum, upon first mentioning it had said;
'Your Dad wants to take just me and you out for lunch when (restaurant) opens again, do you fancy it?' or similar, I would have known it was an 'us three' thing and would have been absolutely fine with it, albeit probably a tad nervous.
But she didn't.
How do I sort this?
I don't want us to not get along. They're both in their latter years.
I also don't know if to tell my partner. I've told her I walked out mid-conversation, she only knows what my Dad is like because I have told her, she's never witnessed it. She asked what it was about and I said 'Something and nothing...' Or such.
As it is, she won't be here on that day anyway.
And I forgot my lovely plant.
Any opinions on any of it welcome.
TIA
:)