Parent trying to control DC friendships- AIBU

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parent of DS’s friend has contacted me before to say they are not getting on, being unkind to each other and my DS needed to apologise. He did, although seemed one child was being held much more responsible than the other for a mutual issue.
Parent has now complained to the teacher that my son isn’t playing with hers enough, but my son says her son is mean to him so he doesn’t want to play with him.
AIBU to think this is fair enough and they should be left to it instead of trying to control the children’s friendships?
Teacher also says it seems like standard tit for tat but I’m concerned parent will continue to meddle abd it’s definitely making it worse.

Sometimes kids need to be separated before the friendship turns so bad its beyond repair.
I'd teach him to say 'we're on a break' but I'm a goady fucker.

Seems like they’re far too involved. I agree with you that it’s excessive. I certainly would be keen for my child to distance himself. How old are the children?

I strongly agree! I want them to have some space from each other and see if they come back together eventually. I feel bad for my son because I teach him to try and sort things out himself and not to run to to teacher every time the other kid says or does something, but because that’s what the other boy/parent is doing, it’s meaning only my son is getting into trouble and being told he has to be friends with someone who isn’t being particularly nice to him.

Make an appointment with the school and ask for your son to move classes if possible. Seems like this other boy has no friends - I wouldn’t want my child being bullied into a friendship just for that

I've dealt with a parent like this in the past. We were sort of friends which made it worse. You don't say the age of the children involved but this went on up to 10-11 for me. I used to just say to her it was for the kids to sort out and I wasn't getting involved.

Children often are put in situations by an adult (a) you will be friends with X and play with him/her even if you don't like them much (b) you will not be playing with X even if they both rub along.

Children, IMHO, should be allowed to develop their own friendships. It's very difficult at the primary level because often the friendships are fundamentally parental relationships and the children are expected to be an extension of that.

Often 'I want to make my own friends' is translated into some form of bullying behavior/ostracism, and that's very difficult to manage. No child should be forced to play with another ad an adults behest.

Nearly ten. Old enough I think to be using their own coping skills to figure out how to navigate their own friendship issues or not.

@GrumpyHoonMain I did think about this because I don’t know where it will stop, if they aren’t going to be friends will the other parent keep interfering and escalating?

The fact that they’re nearly 10 makes it even worse!! If they were 5 or 6 and perhaps this was a precious firstborn it might have explained their over-enthusiasm in getting involved, but at 9-10 years old, there’s no excuse!

So they are Y5? I would say to her that they don't really seem to be friends, and that's fine, they don't have to get on with everyone in the class. Are they likely to go to the same secondary? If not I would ignore her henceforth.

Yes Y5. When I originally told parent I didn’t want to get involved they kept at me with messages and calls. Now going to the teacher, I’ve tried to explain that I don’t think they are getting on and I think it’s fine for them to keep distance so long as nobody is unkind to each other in the process, but just wondering what next if they don’t get along? Am feeling a little harassed, and the interventions are making my boy feel resentful and less likely to want to play with this kid tbh as he feels like he’s being blamed for a mutual issue.
I don’t think they’ll go to same secondary but just wondering in the meantime if they don’t magically become friends, what next, parent will complain to head?!!

You can't change the other parents behaviour. It seems the teacher has the measure of her. Just allow your DS to be himself, and if the parent mentions it to you again, stand up for your DS and also tell her you won't be getting involved.

Nearly 10?? My god, the other mum needs to butt out of her son's friendships. I honestly thought you were talking about 6 year old being silly! Poor kid.

Unfortunately, you're just going to have to firm and say that your son doesn't want to play with hers and it's that simple, you can't make them.

Poor you and your son, thank god you won't be at the same secondary school!

Be firm!

What a crap situation! I agree that they should be left to sort this out at school. If she messages again, which sounds hideous, reply that they are both responsible and let's just leave them to it as we are not there when this is happening. Don't let your son end up as some kind of scapegoat so just keep putting up walls. Ugh. Hideous.

Is your son popular? Are you? Is there some reason she wants your sons to be friends?

I see this a lot at school. You can't choose your kids friends. Some people just don't get along.

Just don't engage with her at all. Say something like...

"I've always found it best to let my children sort out there own issues when it comes to the playground. I have every confidence that the teacher will let me know if there's anything I need to be aware of "

And

"DS doesn't seem to know much about that, maybe speak to the teacher and I'm sure she'll let me know if I need to speak to DS about anything."

The other boy is quite an alpha, academic, sporty, confident and popular etc and I wonder if it’s because he isn’t used to a kid not wanting to be friends and hasn’t developed the skills to deal with that (probably because of interfering parent). It’s been a bit of a cycle of them both being a bit unkind to each other, then they’re alright for a bit then something else happens.

It always amazes me how awful some parents are! It’s like they’ve not really grown up themselves!

Kids fall out all the time and they need to learn that this is a normal part of life and this learning partly involves the parents reinforcing that message.

The parent took the wrong approach in contacting you and implying it was your child’s fault!

We did have friend issues though in yr 5 and 6 with one of our dcs and the parents piled in with their twopeneth which rarely helps. They are best left to sort it themselves unless it is very one sided and one is being hurt or frequently excluded from a group.

As an aside, I have found from bitter experience, it is never a good idea to mention anything to the other parent involved as they are usually defensive and never believe their child could do any wrong. I have also learnt that most parents are only interested in their child being happy and having friends. If their child is happy and has friends they are usually closed off to anyone who is struggling. But as soon as it is their child who is left out they shout to the rooftops!

I'd tell the parent that you will not force a friendship which seems to have run its course. I'd also contact the school and let them know that you have received numerous messages from this mother and you do not wish to force a friendship that your son is not interested in. Let them know you have informed the parent so that the next time the ridiculous parent contacts the school, they can say there is no issue and certainly there's nothing the schoo can do.Then block the mother. That poor child will find he has no friends if she carries on like this.

@GrumpyHoonMain

Make an appointment with the school and ask for your son to move classes if possible. Seems like this other boy has no friends - I wouldn’t want my child being bullied into a friendship just for that

Please don't do this. Classrooms would have a revolving door of kids if they were moved classes everytime they fall out with a classmate.

Argh. Just lost a long post. In short:

Take it to school as a safeguarding complaint as it’s causing mental distress to your ds - both the child and the mother. Ask the teacher to ensure they don’t have to interact in class (so not sitting together, not learning partners, etc and that the other child is reminded to leave your dc alone/not play with at break etc). Should get them through to the end of the school year. Then request that they are in different classes going forward - should be quite an easy request if they know this early and understand the reasons. Plus if you have put in a safeguarding complaint then if the other mum asks for them to be on the same class next year, your request for them to be apart should take precedence as they shouldn’t ignore a safeguarding problem, particularly if you have said about both the child and the added parental interference!

Interesting, didn’t think of that aspect. I just want them to left alone to sort it out (or not!) and it seems like I’m not unreasonable to think the adults are too involved in the children’s relationship. But I feel like involving the teacher reflects badly on my son, and equally I can’t see them reconciling quickly after this and I’m concern parent may continue to escalate and overheat the situation even if they don’t involve me.

I agree, leaving it to the kids sounds fine at this point. The teacher is aware enough and children have to learn to negotiate and get on for themselves. Id express to the parent that you're confident there's enough oversight at school and you're not going to force a situation.

Don't worry about the other parent going through the teacher, this stuff comes up all the time! It's always best when your child is saying something that concerns you to go through the teacher as they might have a clear we view as to what is going on! The other parent should really not be contacting other parents directly really.

Urgh I hate this. It seems kids aren’t allowed to fall out anymore or not be friends before schools start arranging all sorts of interventions. Parents getting involved is ridiculous in this situation.