Sister want me to attend father's funeral

AuntieStella · 19/05/2021 06:50

This might be better in 'relationships' not AIBU.

What is your relationship like with the rest of your family?

something2say · 19/05/2021 06:52

Its difficult isnt it, I feel for you. However I think on balance it is best to remain on good terms with yourself and if you go, you'll be selling yourself out. You could say, I didn't go because our relationship wasn't what people thought....and leave it at that?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/05/2021 06:52

I have exactly the same problem OP. I've decided when the time comes I'm going to be suddenly "ill". No way I'm going.

SummerWhisper · 19/05/2021 06:54

I'm really sorry he did that to you @BilindaB and personally I would not go. You have protected the pervert all this time. You owe him nothing. He doesn't deserve any more pretence. It's up to you if you tell your sister why and maybe it would reveal abuse he inflicted on other family members, which is possibly a fear of yours? Were grandchildren left in his care? You need to start putting yourself first and you owe the family nothing. Not even an explanation. Stay strong

CrazyNeighbour · 19/05/2021 06:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thehawki · 19/05/2021 07:00

I’m not sure that they would put 2 and 2 together OP. Unless it also happened to them, they would have no way of knowing at all. Of course you are not obligated to go in any way. Maybe you could say you have COVID symptoms a day before and therefore need testing and can’t go? If you do go, you don’t have to stay for any wake, you don’t have to cry, just turn up and don’t talk much. If the rest of your family is good to you then give them a hug. I’m not sure now is the time to tell them unless you have an extremely close bond. It could lead to some reactions that aren’t normal for them. I’m really sorry this happened to you OP, and I’m sorry it’s put you in this position now. Talk to those friends that you have told, you need some real life support because this is a very difficult thing for you to navigate x

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/05/2021 07:02

Yes I’d blame Covid too , hard
Or food poisoning
I’m so sorry you had this OP
Sending as you process this

romdowa · 19/05/2021 07:05

Just say you are sick and must self isolate. There isn't a hope in hell that I would go

borderforce · 19/05/2021 07:09

I’m sorry to hear this OP. I wouldn’t make anything up - simply say you don’t feel as if you can go as unfortunately, your relationship with him was not what others assume. If they want to know why, they can ask you. There’s a very strong chance you won’t be his only victim.

newnortherner111 · 19/05/2021 07:17

To me the only question is what reason you give for not going, fake, half-truth, or more detailed.

Shareddriveagghh · 19/05/2021 07:22

May I suggest you contact napac.org.uk/other-support/

When abusers die it can unfortunately trigger memories.
I did go to my abusers funeral, my stepfather but I was only 13. So for me it was a relief as the abuse stopped. It is very easy to use the excuse that you are unwell and you do not need to go.

Remember you are safe now, seek solace in friends but consider professional assistance. I did just this and also volunteered at a domestic violence charity as a fundraiser. My lived experience and to survive sent me on a road of activism for women’s rights.

You need to do what is good for you and you alone, not anyone else, all the best.

gottakeeponmovin · 19/05/2021 07:36

Are you sure he didn't do the same to your sister? What reason have you given her for not going? I would pull out the covid card

BarbarianMum · 19/05/2021 07:37

What a difficult situation.

If you dont want to go to the funeral don't go. But people are going to wonder why (and are not going to work out why unless he was a known abuser) so you need to think about what - if anything - you'll tell them. Something general about the relationship not being good (as suggested by a pp) might work for many but probably not with your dsis or your mum if she is still alive. Be aware that if you reveal now what he did to you, you are likely to draw a lot of shock and anger from the people you've been protecting all these years. So make sure you've got some support for yourself lined up if that's the route you want to take.

Crispychillibeef · 19/05/2021 08:05

I totally understand why you don't want to go.

If she keeps pushing you would you consider telling her your reasons? Obviously you may not want to!

Could going bring closure?

Just some things to consider - whatever you choose to do is the right thing for you.

Ariela · 19/05/2021 08:12

Is the reason your sister wants you there that she too suffered similarly and needs your support? I think it's worth considering that, and going because you are supporting her NOT because you wish to say goodbye to him

Newkitchen123 · 19/05/2021 08:14

The fact that op has said sister wants her to go suggests that the sister suspects she might not go so it sounds like they've already had a conversation about it so I'm not sure covid excuse would work here.

Selkie1961 · 19/05/2021 08:17

Can she really not know?

If she isnt continually asking whyyyyy then i think she knows on one level.

You should honor what feels right to you, or what feels the least upsetting 💐

ifyougetthechancedoit · 19/05/2021 08:20

You are being completely reasonable. In this instance it doesn't matter what your sister wants this is about you and you alone. You need to do whatever helps you move on.

As others have said, the only choice you need to make is what excuse to make.

tell the truth
don't go and don't explain
make up a rubbish excuse
make up a covid related excuse

You'd be entirely reasonable to make any of these choices. 4 is mostly likely to retain the status quo, and the option I think I'd recommend. If you want to tell people you should do, but I think telling people near his funeral when emotions are already running high, may have negative consequences for you, and make it harder for you to handle the fallout (although if you want this you'd be completely reasonable).

blubberyboo · 19/05/2021 08:35

It’s entirely likely that he had other victims, possibly even your sister or maybe she was aware of it at the time.
But maybe her focus is maintaining the family image at the funeral but she can’t force you to go and you shouldn’t if it would be a trauma for you.
You could tell the truth, make up a covid excuse or just explain in vague terms that your relationship with him wasn’t as good as appeared on the surface and you would find it very traumatic to go.

MintMatchmaker · 19/05/2021 08:48

If you’ve always pretended to get on with him, why does your sister think that there’s a chance you wouldn’t be there?

Could she possibly know?

3Britnee · 19/05/2021 08:54

If you've told your friends, and you are happy for people to assume, why not tell your sister? She will be more understanding then.

Is your mother alive? Does she or your sister want your support there?

Janaih · 19/05/2021 08:54

I'm sorry you were abused. I wouldn't go, and I would say that you have already said your goodbyes and will remember him in your own way. I think that is reasonable and vague enough to protect your own boundaries.
If you were planning to tell your sister I would take advice and support from napac or similar first.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 19/05/2021 08:55

@BilindaB

But she doesn't know he used to touch me inappropriately as a child. I've always acted like i get on with him for the family's sake, and have never told anyone (except close friends), and I feel like I don't want to go to see him cremated and pretend to be sad. Maybe if I didn't go, people would put 2 plus 2 together? I wouldn't mind that. But what excuse can I give for not attending? Or AIBU, and should just go?

Say you've developed Covid symptoms as an excuse.

womaninatightspot · 19/05/2021 08:59

You've had a temperature and PCR results came back too late for you to go.

BetterThanKleenex · 19/05/2021 09:07

I'm so sorry you experienced that OP.

You absolutely don't have to go, you could blame covid symptoms, say you're not up to going, or even say you don't want his funeral to be your last memory of him.

It's unlikely people will piece it together if they don't know anything- grief affects people so differently the chances are they'll think you're just grieving in your own way.

Hope you're ok x