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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister want me to attend father's funeral

40 replies

BilindaB · 19/05/2021 06:45

But she doesn't know he used to touch me inappropriately as a child. I've always acted like i get on with him for the family's sake, and have never told anyone (except close friends), and I feel like I don't want to go to see him cremated and pretend to be sad. Maybe if I didn't go, people would put 2 plus 2 together? I wouldn't mind that. But what excuse can I give for not attending? Or AIBU, and should just go?

OP posts:

HollyBollyBooBoo · 19/05/2021 09:08

Surely you'll develop a high temperature, persistent cough and lose your sense of taste the day before won't you? Couldn't possibly leave the house with Covid symptoms.

TwoAndAnOnion · 19/05/2021 09:11

Or, you could go, shed no tears and close a chapter in your life. There's always that aspect of it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/05/2021 09:14

I am sorry about what happened to you and you have the right to choose how you deal with your father’s death.

What a shame you developed a cough and a temperature so had to do a PCR just before the funeral so couldn’t attend.

Tal45 · 19/05/2021 09:27

Do what's right for you OP. You've had too many years of keeping quiet and doing what was 'right' for him already. Maybe it's time to tell someone in RL if you feel able to now - start with a counsellor perhaps. x

RedHelenB · 19/05/2021 09:28

I would go . Funerals are for the living, your sister presumably wants your support. You decided not to say anything about what had happened when he was alive and pretend everything was ok, I think you need to carry that on.

AntiSocialDistancer · 19/05/2021 09:29

Say yes, then have covuid symptoms on the day.

I'm a big chicken though. You should tell your sister but on your own timetable, not your Dad's. Who knows, maybe she was abused too and needs your support

Killahangilion · 19/05/2021 09:36

I’m so sorry to hear this @BilindaB
You must be suffering all over again now that the abuser has died.

In your shoes I wouldn’t go and I’d probably use Covid/illness as an excuse. I think it’s best to avoid any attempts to tease the real reason out of you.

I don’t think it’s wise to bring up the abuse with your sister/wider family just before the funeral because if they’re grieving, they’re not going to be in the right frame of mind to properly listen to you. Even if they knew or suspected the abuse, they’re likely to feel hugely conflicted about their loyalties to a dead person at this period in time and may not think rationally.

I think if you plan to have that conversation, it’s better for you to wait a little while longer and do so in a less hostile environment.

Hugs to you

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 19/05/2021 09:43

@RedHelenB

@RedHelenB have you no compassion or empathy?

OP, you absolutely do not have to attend your abusers funeral. You do not need to make excuses, you just don't have to go. If anyone asks why, you just say you can't go and you don't want them to ask why.

Unless others experienced abuse from him, no one will put 2 & 2 together. Are you worried that your sister knows about the abuse?

something2say · 19/05/2021 10:47

Pretending everything is ok when it's not is NOT a good way to live. What unsound advice that is!

Thelnebriati · 19/05/2021 10:56

Maybe if I didn't go, people would put 2 plus 2 together? I wouldn't mind that.
That's a very understandable reaction. It would be ok if people somehow found out that you weren't safe with your father, but you don't want to have to be the one that tells them.
The problem with telling people is that you have no guarantee of how they will react.

You don't have to be the one to tell them, you can get a therapist to do that. You shouldn't be there when that happens, they will need to talk it over. A good therapist can help guide them through their feelings.
If you decide to go down that route, you would risk losing contact with your family. So don't rush into anything, get some counselling and support for yourself.

RedHelenB · 19/05/2021 11:10

@bunburyscucumbersandwich I went to the funeral in similar circumstances to the OP so yes I do have empathy.

Original poster

BilindaB · 21/05/2021 08:24

I wish I wasn't, but I'm going to go. I don't want to upset good people because of a dead bad person. Thanks for your advice x

OP posts:

Cactusesi · 21/05/2021 08:37

Don't fell any pressure to go to the funeral - totally your choice.
however, by not going to your Father's funeral many people will think you are making a statement and will want to know more, but you don't have to go to the funeral and don't have to say anything more. Contrived excuses won't work. No contrived excuse will satisfy them so you have to shut them down.

Just tell your sister (or anyone else) that your decision not to go is final and you wont discuss it any further.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 21/05/2021 09:01

@BilindaB

I wish I wasn't, but I'm going to go. I don't want to upset good people because of a dead bad person. Thanks for your advice x

It is absolutely your decision - but nobody is going to be upset at you if you message them the night before (or even in the morning) to say 'Just been told I've got to isolate for ten days as a contact of somebody who's tested positive.'

Bumblebee1980a · 21/05/2021 09:13

@Ariela

Is the reason your sister wants you there that she too suffered similarly and needs your support? I think it's worth considering that, and going because you are supporting her NOT because you wish to say goodbye to him

No way!

OP has to look after her own mental health and by attending the funeral she will be putting herself at risk as it will trigger more memories and could result in a break down.

It isn't usual for just the one child to have suffered this horrific experience.

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