FIL doesn’t want a relationship with me but wants one with DD

[hurt45]

I have been married for a few years and have a daughter under one. FIL does not like me and does not have a relationship with me. It’s stems from cultural issues (I am from this very same culture). He expected me and my husband to either live with him or right next to him (he was not paying for our house in any way at all), and we didn’t. We are very close but this isn’t sufficient. I am expected to almost fulfil a role of a servant and he is the head of his family. There is no respect for his adult children’s marriages, and this is a culture where males rule and females are the pits. I can elaborate more if necessary, but ultimately I haven’t conformed to his demands and he is punishing me by cutting me off. That’s not a problem for me. My husband sadly hasn’t had my back, and lives in fear of his Dad due to his conditioning and guilt. A separate issue but I leave that for him to deal with as I do not want to be the reason for his lack of relationship with his Dad. However his Dad does not acknowledge him either. Due to lockdown we have seen husbands family very little, but on the occasions we have, FIL has taken my child from other family members and is talking to her and kissing her and having photos with her. This makes my blood boil. As far as I am concerned, anyone who doesn’t have a relationship with me does not have one with my children. Husband is obviously telling me to let it go. I do not want to and do not want this man around my child. It’s not like he’s a good grandparent and has anything to offer either, he is a rude, arrogant, cold, unkind person, and I don’t want my daughter around that. Husband and I are in such constant conflict that I’m contemplating divorce. It’s bad enough that he’s let his family (predominantly father) treat me so poorly, but now he expects me to sit by and watch as his father parades our daughter around. AIBU?

What a nasty bully he is. I completely understand why you feel the way you do.

I wouldn't allow it

Given his views on women he has no place near your daughter and potentially dripping that crap into her head.

I'd keep that man well away from my children.

A bloody impossible situation. I am not surprised that you aren't happy with either of them.

FWIIW I think I would not get in between your daughter and FIL on the occasions that your husband takes her to visit. FIL would not be welcome in my house, and I wouldn't be in his to watch him either! Take the heat out of it because it isn't helping you in any way.

Quite separately I would be stocking up on every available tool to teach your daughter how to be a strong and independent girl/woman, and entirely undermining any influences that an occasional visit to FIL creates.

I would be telling my husband to stay the hell out of all the above or deal with the consequences - his sole job is visiting his father if he wishes to go.

And if nothing else that creates a space for you to properly consider the future of your marriage without extraneous crap interfering. It may or may not survive, but you want to be doing whatever you decide for the right reasons, not out of anger or exasperation.

On the other hand, personally I'd have killed my husband long before this

YANBU I would snatch my child from his clutches! You sound like you're capable of standing up for yourself though. Good for you.

So he wants a relationship with her while she's a cute little girl and then when she's older she'll be just another worthless woman?

Hell no

Of course YANBU. Who’d want a sexist, demanding arsehole anywhere near a child, especially a girl.

I’d get the divorce. ASAP. Don’t waste your life with someone too weak to stand up for you against a nasty bully, no matter who it is.

I’d then worry about FIL having access via your husband without you around but i doubt your husband would make any effort to see his horrible dad.

You still need to leave.

Same here OP. My mother is absolutely vile with me, we haven't spoken for over 10 years. But suddenly I have a child and she wants a relationship with her? Nope.

We even got the full sob story, friends being hassled on social media, you name it. DH has never had the 'pleasure' of experiencing contact with her so convinced me to allow her access. Big mistake. Within minutes she was nasty and abusive to me because she just can't help herself.

She's now fully blocked, and no way in hell will she have any part in DDs upbringing. DH is also now fully on my side. You definitely do have a DH problem. This is a big issue and won't go away until he either grows a pair or you leave him. Which is the most likely to happen OP?

@AnneLovesGilbert

Of course YANBU. Who’d want a sexist, demanding arsehole anywhere near a child, especially a girl.

I’d get the divorce. ASAP. Don’t waste your life with someone too weak to stand up for you against a nasty bully, no matter who it is.

I’d then worry about FIL having access via your husband without you around but i doubt your husband would make any effort to see his horrible dad.

You still need to leave.

This is the crazy thing.. if we divorce he'll actually go and live with his parents even though his Dad doesn't talk to him, and my daughter will be around that vile man 24/7

I'd work on a plan to move further away and try to see as little of FIL as possible - all while helping your DD turn into a strong, resilient women who will be able to set good boundries for herself with family members like this when she gets older.

How does your DH feel about HIS father holding HIS child?

Unfortunately you had a child with your DH knowing what him and his family are like. That's done and you can't magically make 50% of your DD's family disappear. While I understand why you're unhappy about it, you can't actually stop your DH from having his dad have a relationship with his child, especially as they are close. If you divorce, you relinquish all control completely so that won't help. Your only choice is to keep an eye on it and teach your DD to be an independent young woman and to stand up for herself.

Do you have much support from your parents and family?

is we divorce he'll actually go and live with his parents even though his Dad doesn't talk to him, and my daughter will be around that vile man 24/7

Why 24/7?

Would she not live with you 50% if you divorced?

I don’t blame you OP, I wouldn’t want a man who hated women to be around my daughter either.

@Howshouldibehave

is we divorce he'll actually go and live with his parents even though his Dad doesn't talk to him, and my daughter will be around that vile man 24/7

Why 24/7?

Would she not live with you 50% if you divorced?

Possibly every other weekend even?

Does you DH also hold these views about women? It seems he doesn’t but also is scared of and wants to please both sides. I actually think if he doesn’t hold the views he has clearly been brought up with it does show a strong side to his character. If he doesn’t hold these views and supports you then maybe a frank discussion on the type of woman he wants his daughter to grow up to be may help. Does he want the male role model to be himself of the backward way he sees his father treat the women in his family.

Unfortunately he is probably desperate for his fathers approval and unconditional love, which he will never get. He can only do break the cycle. Therapy may be useful in this instance.

This is the crazy thing.. if we divorce he'll actually go and live with his parents even though his Dad doesn't talk to him, and my daughter will be around that vile man 24/7 why wouldn't you have access?

@Howshouldibehave

is we divorce he'll actually go and live with his parents even though his Dad doesn't talk to him, and my daughter will be around that vile man 24/7

Why 24/7?

Would she not live with you 50% if you divorced?

Sorry I got way too carried away with my emotions all I've the place! Yes 50%

You need to tell both your husband and FIL to fuck off!

Gosh, that sounds hard. Do you have to go with them? Quite honestly with a rational, level headed mum and exposure to how women should be treated she will one day realise he's an arsehole. If you don't want to leave your husband I'd completely opt out of visits to his family. You shouldn't need to watch that and get angry. I'd have a nice day off for yourself, let FIL knock himself out pretending he's granddad of the year and limit visits as far as possible.

That's of course assuming your husband has redeeming qualities when he's not being a spineless deferential son!

Do you live in the UK? What are your rights with regards to your daughter after a divorce?

YANBU, OP. What would happen if you told your husband he can't see her?

You don't say what culture, but I'm Asian and I wouldn't allow this.

Have you asked your DH if that he how he expects his daughter to treated when she is older? Is that how he would treat a sons future wife?

If his answer is no and he knows this is wrong then he needs to stand up for both of you and give you the respect you deserve.

If he intends on continuing the trend of being such a male in your culture then you need to leave him before you and your daughters life becomes insufferable and of no value to anyone else.

My sister was in this predicament except she married into the culture, needless to say once their daughter arrived and the husband behaved and allowed the family to behave as you explain she ran.