FIL doesn’t want a relationship with me but wants one with DD

[hurt45]

I have been married for a few years and have a daughter under one. FIL does not like me and does not have a relationship with me. It’s stems from cultural issues (I am from this very same culture). He expected me and my husband to either live with him or right next to him (he was not paying for our house in any way at all), and we didn’t. We are very close but this isn’t sufficient. I am expected to almost fulfil a role of a servant and he is the head of his family. There is no respect for his adult children’s marriages, and this is a culture where males rule and females are the pits. I can elaborate more if necessary, but ultimately I haven’t conformed to his demands and he is punishing me by cutting me off. That’s not a problem for me. My husband sadly hasn’t had my back, and lives in fear of his Dad due to his conditioning and guilt. A separate issue but I leave that for him to deal with as I do not want to be the reason for his lack of relationship with his Dad. However his Dad does not acknowledge him either. Due to lockdown we have seen husbands family very little, but on the occasions we have, FIL has taken my child from other family members and is talking to her and kissing her and having photos with her. This makes my blood boil. As far as I am concerned, anyone who doesn’t have a relationship with me does not have one with my children. Husband is obviously telling me to let it go. I do not want to and do not want this man around my child. It’s not like he’s a good grandparent and has anything to offer either, he is a rude, arrogant, cold, unkind person, and I don’t want my daughter around that. Husband and I are in such constant conflict that I’m contemplating divorce. It’s bad enough that he’s let his family (predominantly father) treat me so poorly, but now he expects me to sit by and watch as his father parades our daughter around. AIBU?

OP I'm sorry but unless your husband agrees with you, your FiL is going to have some relationship with your dd. Either in a limited way when he sees he at family events, or during the time she spends with her father in the event of a divorce. So much as you dislike the idea you will need to accept that.

If what upsets you us seeing her paraded up and down then dont be there when it happens - but then you'll be pushed even further away from the family. Is this what you want? If so, then let your dh visit his family without you.

I feel so sorry for your DH not being strong enough to break away from this awful FIL of yours, his Ddad. What a life.

I think he needs to sit down and write the pros and cons of his dad and face all the negative ways he and his family have been treated and compare it to his loving his own family with you is in comparison.

It's a bit like leaving a cult or having been locked in a cellar for 20 years. He's been brainwashed and conditioned really hasn't he.

It's a shame that he'd actually go back there if you got divorced.

That would really worry me that he's still controlled by his dad.

He sounds like the Dad from the film 'Blinded by the lights' only much worse sadly

There is no way I'd let my child be anywhere near them. I guarantee FIL will poison your daughter against you.

I'd work on moving far away from them.

Do you want to get divorced? I absolutely agree this is a serious situation but if your life together is good in every other way then you need to think strategically.

Moving further away is a good shout, if possible.

Limiting the number of times DD sees FIL is another possibility.

You not going to see FIL - leaving it all to DH to visit - is another.

Working with DH to redefine his relationship with his father is the best solution of all, but that might mean really stepping back to allow the heat to die out of the situation. And of course, DH has to want that.

And of course, pp's are right about bringing up your DD to not take any of that shit - but you've got that down already.

The problem is if you're not there for visits then then there is an opportunity for bad mouthing and undermining of you to your DD to occur.

I'm don't know the cultral background but my IL did try pushing me out and undermining me to me DH and kids - I refused to be pushed out or undermined which did mean heading things off and mananging situations sometimes standing up for myself and getting DH on side. We also live some distance away - which helps - though they are fine with me now.

You probably need to have a think about how you want to handle this - is it better to leave situation or better to run interference for your child - it's tough either way.

Keep your daughter well away from that rubbish and teach her she has every right to equality despite what culture she comes from.

The problem ultimately is if you and DH don’t make a team and make your marriage work you risk loosing 50% of your time with your own child.
And worse still DH would live with FIL?

It’s horrendous. So sorry you are in this position.

Culture is not enough of an excuse to excuse disgusting vile behaviour. I’m sure there are plenty of men in that culture who may have similar expectations but are actually forgiving and nice even if things don’t go how they hoped.

Unfortunately as your H doesn’t support you it’s going to be very difficult
Even if you refuse to go to fils house or divorce your H he can and probably will take your DD there.
All you can do is work on bolstering your DDs self esteem and teach her to value herself so that she will be able to resist the sexist shite when it raises its ugly head, which it will.
Fil will probably lose interest once DD has a mind of her own anyway (fingers crossed)

In most circumstances I wouldn’t prevent a grandparent having a relationship even if we didn’t get on. But in this case your FIL has harmful ideas about women that he’s likely to impart to your DD, so in this case I wouldn’t allow it.

FIL has taken my child from other family members and is talking to her and kissing her and having photos with her.

Glue her to your side or hover when others have her - MIL would always try and slip off with DD1 withot saying anything. When she was a bf baby it was mainly me affected when she went off without saying anything for hours and I realise FIL and DH weren't going to get involved despite my discomfort and having an upset baby wet dirty and very hungry returned.

As she got older they did say things when it meant we all ended up waiting round for them to reappear on days out and unless danager I didn't say a thing- and funnily enough it stopped happening as much.

It's thinking of ways to manage the situations you can't avoid and how to avoid any you can.

@hurt45
This is the crazy thing.. if we divorce he'll actually go and live with his parents even though his Dad doesn't talk to him, and my daughter will be around that vile man 24/7

And that's the reality of the situation if you divorced.

Sadly, culturally this is how it is and though your own biological family may not be, this is what you chose to marry into.

I disagree that he needs to have a relationship with you to have a relationship with his grandchild.

I wouldn’t let him anywhere near a child of mine.
Be strong and rebel against the culture that treats you so badly.
Younger generations need to challenge the status quo.

Do you actually WANT to divorce your DH? It seems a bit crazy to let this nasty FIL break you apart and then he will get what he's wanted all along. Why not switch strategy and plan with your DH how to handle the situation. He has been putting up with his bullying dad for years, and presumably brought up with these horrible ideas about women. So he may need some help to overcome this, not just you demanding his support, but working with your DH to find ways to stand up to FIL.

Your DD is currently 1 year old so if you are at family gatherings, it may be socially awkward to wrestle your child off FIL. But, a few photos, no matter how irritating, is NOT a relationship. He can say what he likes to his family members, publish the photos - but that isnt the same as being a grandfather.

Just chill.

When she is about 2, your DD won't be letting any strange men pick her up and carry her around. As she gets older, he will be a remote figure she barely knows and you can have a special eye-roll you share with her when FIL is being annoying at family events.

By the time she is ten, she will have absorbed YOUR way of thinking, you will be able to talk to her about women's rights and sexism, and her FIL won't get a look in.

So basically my advice is, play a long game here and don't rush into making this into a huge marital crisis. You benefit long-term from being with your DH as then DD won't have to spend ANY significant time with FIL.

I’m assuming if you divorce that your DD will then spend 50% of her time with your DH and FIL.

YANBU. I'd allow a couple of photos a year, birthdays & Christmas or whatever is appropriate.

You can't allow your child to come under the influence of such a regressive mediaeval bully, so you need to limit contact and raise your DD to value herself and her freedom.

I'd hide her passport now (leave it with your mum) and if divorce is ever even mentioned I'd get a prohibited steps order before I let her out of my sight.