Difficult mother of the bride

[LemoneyGin]

Hi all,

Looking for some advice as feeling at my wits end here. Just want to start by saying that if I’d known it was going to be like this I wouldn’t have had a big white wedding at all, I’m now wishing I could elope with no family there at all.

As soon as I’d told my Mum that I had picked my bridesmaids (my sister as MOH and 3 very close friends) she had a problem with me. She couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t choose my two nieces as they are ‘ready made bridesmaids’ as she puts it. One is 5yrs and I’m having her as a flower girl (my sisters daughter), the other is 13yrs but I have no relationship with her. In fact I don't really have a relationship with my brother (her Dad). Including her never even entered my mind when I was thinking about who to choose and I had no idea it would be such a big thing for my Mum. I never speak with my brother and we probably see each other maybe once or twice a year at a family event. Same goes for his kids, even when we’re together I don’t end up speaking with them as they are v quiet and keep to themselves. Worth mentioning I have 2 nephews & she's not bothered about them not being included. My OH has a toddler nephew who we're having as page boy so I thought it was quite nice to have one from each side.

Anyway my Mum is not letting this drop, I thought we’d resolved it all months ago but she’s brought it up again & we’re getting close to the wedding now. I have no idea if my niece even wants to be a bridesmaid - I asked my brother if she wanted to do a reading or play her cello in the ceremony and he said no she’s really shy and hates being centre of attention. I think it’s all coming from my Mum but it’s starting to affect our relationship. It seems my sister has also been talking about it with her MIL who has said she’s ‘heartbroken for my Mum’ and asked if it would be awkward for my niece. My sister relayed all this to my mum which has bolstered Mum. It was her big birthday a few weeks ago, I’d booked a half day, did a 2 hour round trip, organised all the food etc (I've also organised and booked a surprise summer holiday for her) and have spent around £300 on presents for her - I just wanted her to have a really great birthday even in lockdown as knew she would be upset if nothing was planned. She ended up bringing up the whole thing again & mentioned what my sister had said, it was v awkward and I left in tears (cried driving home not in front of her). I'm sad she brought it up on her birthday & that it ended like that. She hasn't spoken to me since. When it initially happened months ago she wasn't normal with me for weeks & didn't want to hear about anything to do with the wedding. Somehow we got past it but now back to square one.

I feel so down & am not looking forward to the wedding anymore. AIBU for wanting to pick my own bridesmaids or does family come first when it comes to weddings?

That's crazy! Do not invite the niece to be a bridesmaid now either jr will really set you up for trouble next time your mum disagrees!!
You've been totally reasonable

Of course you’re not being unreasonable

I wouldn’t ask any of them after all this nonsense tbh, tell them they can all stay home

Stand firm!! It's not up to your mum who you have as a bridesmaid, plus your brother has already told you that your niece is really shy - so how would she handle photos etc?!

Shut your mum down the next time it gets brought up - tell her it's settled and you're not discussing it again!!

I'm also saying this as someone who didn't have my mum attending my wedding in the end. We fought so much about things that I completely changed my plans and got married on an island with ten guests only. Every time I spoke to my mum about the wedding I ended up crying - all because she wanted to inviter her brother, who I don't get on with. We've reconciled now, and guess what? She no longer speaks to the brother, who simply had to be at my wedding!!

I had a heap of problems over invitations and none of it was the children concerned, nor their parents but the grandparents, set in their ways about how a wedding should be done.

With hindsight I wished I'd caved and not stood my ground because it would have made sod all difference to me on the day in the end but STILL comes up in conversation and means I can't talk about my wedding with certain relatives - you know, "the one Clara wasn't invited to".

It's crap and annoying but sometimes it is better to keep the peace.

(To be clear, option one would be talking your mum round but it sounds like she's not listening)

I'd be having words with your mum either yourself or through another family member telling her if she doesn't drop and start supporting you then she'll be uninvited!

Sounds like you Humour your mum too much! So much effort for an adult birthday??
I’d tell her to button it or she can’t come.

wow YANBU you have an very silly mother - tell her to butt out and be happy for YOU on YOUR wedding day and to stop causing you stress and agro.

Sadly I'm fully aware my mum will be similar as both my siblings have already married in big lavish white weddings that she forced upon them racking up thousands in debt so only me left to terrorise!

She is behaving like a toddler. Do not give in to her demands. You will regret it.

You offered your niece a place in the wedding (to play the cello or do a reading) and your DB said she's too shy, so that's the end of it. Your mum needs to wind her neck in.

From what you've said about your mum's birthday it sounds like everybody appeases her: gives her expensive gifts, goes to huge trouble for her. Maybe that has led her ego to swell so much that she thinks she can dictate who takes part in your wedding day. She needs to be put firmly in her place or this will cast a shadow over the event.

Text her something like "Mum, I'm sick of listening to you talking about not being a bridesmaid. I asked if she wanted to do a reading and he said no because she's too shy. You keep pushing this and it's upsetting me. I don't want to hear about it again."

Why would your sister tell your mum about what her MIL said? It's just feeding the drama. It all sounds very over wrought, I feel for you.

Do you get on with your brother's wife/dp? If so, I'd ring her and say you are having adult bridesmaids and tiny tot flower girl and page boy, and you are concerned that their dd might feel left out, even though you have offered for her to participate in another way. Explain that your mum is giving you a really hard time over it, and you don't know what to do. They might then speak to your mum themselves.

Maybe make up a job for her to do - ring bearer, keeper of the photographer's to-do list, or handing out order of service etc, so she would be involved, but not the centre of attention.

Still time to cancel and get married alone.

Tell your Mum that’s the new plan and see what she says then - all that over a 13 year old in a nice dress.

Completely ignore every mention of it.

This is a child you have no relationship with, see twice a year, and hates being the centre of attention. So likely wouldn't want to do it anyway.

Ignore your DM.

Honestly it's you and your partners day. Yes family is important but it sounds like everyone is invited. Your mum is being very selfish. As others have said stand your ground.

Don't let her ruin your day. You might need a frank conversation pointing out that she is making you dread your own wedding and that she is running a risk of damaging your relationship.

Totally missing point of thread, but I have two adult daughters and if they get married I would not do this. Why do dm and mil do this?

My mother told me I was going to be a fat bride, I was 9 stone 4 ....when I lost weight years and years later on the cancer diet she told me with faux concern that I was too thin, I replied do you really think so, she said yes, so I told her what she had said to me. Reader she barely cracked a blush.

She told me that she had never been to a wedding where there were hot cherries and ice cream, I replied the groom likes them and I love stilton and celery, (next course) so this will be a first for you, then won't it.

When I took her to the venue the night before, she announced that the top table needed to be moved to the other end of the room as who wants to look at food coming out from the kitchen, I replied certainly not the bride and groom who are paying for all of this, there is less than twenty four hours to go, wind your neck in.

Point being they think it is their gig, it is not.

Hold hard and stop trying to make her happy, she is determined to be professionally offended.

I would ignore her OP. I know you love your DM and you want her to be happy, but you can't give in to emotional blackmail. Let her have a strop and enjoy your wedding planning.

I suspect your mum likes to persuade herself that all her children are close and this has been a rude awakening.

Don't really know what to suggest you should do - you either give in (but I guarantee you'll still never hear the end of it) or stick to your guns and she pouts all day.

FWIW I have a 12 year old girl and know a number of 13 year olds - as confident as they might be at home/with friends I think they'd all be very daunted by being a bridesmaid unless they were close to the bride/groom and feel comfortable with the other bridesmaids so I suspect you are doing her a favour.

When is this wedding?

I’d be tempted to cancel Everything and only have the wedding I wanted.

Tell her dammed straight that this is your wedding, she has absolutely no right to interfere at all and if that’s not possible or excuse herself and you’ll go on a lot happier without her there.

Mean it.

My friend is getting married with a couple of neighbours as witnesses and that’s it, back to their house for a lunch and that’s it! Sounds exactly what I’d want

Hasn’t stopped family trying to tell her what they want her to do tho!

Be firm!

I couldn't get my mum to sow any interest in my wedding. Still upset about it, particularly the dress appointment, where she wittered on about other family members. Mil yelled at us about getting married, I'd always thought Pil were the normal ones&then they stopped about the arrangements & bullied me on the day. I don't know what it is about weddings, people go batty. 😳

Stand your ground...

The relationship with your Mum sounds tough - with or without wedding!

On weddings - the way to enjoy them is not to get too worried by any of the details. The day is about one really big thing - everything else is just frills.

No your mum should not be having tantrums and blackmailing you but don't let her spoil your day. She is not the important one.

You have to decide on this but I'd say, spread your happiness at every opportunity. It tends to wash back over you!

Do you really mind if the 13 year old is a bridesmaid? If you don't mind - why not get in touch with her and see if it is a big deal for her. She might love it - she might hate it. (Perhaps it would be lovely to be asked - and given chance to opt out.)

Reading this brought back memories of my own wedding. My Mom was also obsessed with my nieces and nephews being in the wedding party. (Even going as far as insisting on choosing their outfits and buying them)

I regret letting her walk all over me. Stand your ground.

J sometimes struggle to understand these threads a bit.

This is YOUR wedding. If my mum was doing that I'd literally say 'what the fuck mum? I don't know the girl, why the hell would I have her as a bridesmaid? Are you mad? This is my wedding and you're spoiling it already by demanding things that make no sense at all! Are you actually feeling ok? Mention it again and you won't be coming because I won't have you spoiling it'

Saying that my mum wouldn't be so weird as to make this a thing. Just tell her exactly how you feel. Madness!

What a selfish horror your mother is causing so much unnecessary drama.

Stropping at her birthday says all we need to know.

I think you would benefit hugely from speaking to someone about your relationship because you sound very dominated by her.

One thing that I can guarantee is that when this is all over and time passes you will be very angry with her for ruining your wedding and your anger will ensure you relationship will be utterly soured and you will not forgive her.

This is your day that she is deliberately spoiling because she wants her way.

Completely unforgivable IMO.

You need distance from your mother, she sounds toxic.

I feel very sorry for you.

Thanks all for the replies - I was nervous to post on here as I fully expected to be told I was being really selfish & a horrible person. That’s how I’ve been made to feel over all this. To answer some of the points raised...

I’m not keen to back down on this - I’ve already backed down on the guest list - I didn’t want to invite all my cousins (some I’ve not seen or spoken to in years) but my parents said they should be included. Funny that my brother didn’t invite them all to his and told mum that was his final decision & she respected it. I was also 14 yrs when he married and my mum didn’t push them to have me as a bridesmaid. (I didn’t want to be one anyway but different rules for him it seems!) I’m not close with his wife at all so speaking to her not an option.

I’ve explained my reasoning to mum a few times but haven’t had a frank chat about how her pushing it is making me feel so think I should do that. The wedding is in August & we would lose out on money from venue & other suppliers if we cancelled now. I do feel like it must be a generational thing given my sisters MIL’s reaction. And I have no idea why my sister did that. I told her that I thought it was stirring the pot & didn’t help at all. She didn’t really apologise & said that’s ‘not what I told mum’ so who knows what was actually said. I don’t have the patience to worry about any ‘he said she said’ business.

I put effort in with my mum because I love her very much & for all her faults she is a wonderful mum. She’s just very stubborn and has a her way or the highway attitude. My dad will go along with whatever she says for an easy life. When I was younger I always backed down even when I thought she wasn’t right, but I don’t want to do it over this. I doubt my niece wants to be one either but I expect if she was asked she’d feel like she had to accept and that doesn’t help anyone - I don’t want a junior bridesmaid who I’m not close to & she would feel awkward & on display.

I don’t want to threaten to cancel or disinvite her over it as that feels like a nuclear option - I will try having the chat and see how she takes it. And yes if I’m ever lucky enough to have a daughter I will never do this to her!

Also I’ve told her about my relationship with my brother several times but she ignores it and pretends that’s not the case. It must be upsetting to learn that your children aren’t close but I gave up trying to force a relationship with him years ago. Me and my sister are very close (usually! What a nightmare).