Difficult mother of the bride

[LemoneyGin]

Hi all,

Looking for some advice as feeling at my wits end here. Just want to start by saying that if I’d known it was going to be like this I wouldn’t have had a big white wedding at all, I’m now wishing I could elope with no family there at all.

As soon as I’d told my Mum that I had picked my bridesmaids (my sister as MOH and 3 very close friends) she had a problem with me. She couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t choose my two nieces as they are ‘ready made bridesmaids’ as she puts it. One is 5yrs and I’m having her as a flower girl (my sisters daughter), the other is 13yrs but I have no relationship with her. In fact I don't really have a relationship with my brother (her Dad). Including her never even entered my mind when I was thinking about who to choose and I had no idea it would be such a big thing for my Mum. I never speak with my brother and we probably see each other maybe once or twice a year at a family event. Same goes for his kids, even when we’re together I don’t end up speaking with them as they are v quiet and keep to themselves. Worth mentioning I have 2 nephews & she's not bothered about them not being included. My OH has a toddler nephew who we're having as page boy so I thought it was quite nice to have one from each side.

Anyway my Mum is not letting this drop, I thought we’d resolved it all months ago but she’s brought it up again & we’re getting close to the wedding now. I have no idea if my niece even wants to be a bridesmaid - I asked my brother if she wanted to do a reading or play her cello in the ceremony and he said no she’s really shy and hates being centre of attention. I think it’s all coming from my Mum but it’s starting to affect our relationship. It seems my sister has also been talking about it with her MIL who has said she’s ‘heartbroken for my Mum’ and asked if it would be awkward for my niece. My sister relayed all this to my mum which has bolstered Mum. It was her big birthday a few weeks ago, I’d booked a half day, did a 2 hour round trip, organised all the food etc (I've also organised and booked a surprise summer holiday for her) and have spent around £300 on presents for her - I just wanted her to have a really great birthday even in lockdown as knew she would be upset if nothing was planned. She ended up bringing up the whole thing again & mentioned what my sister had said, it was v awkward and I left in tears (cried driving home not in front of her). I'm sad she brought it up on her birthday & that it ended like that. She hasn't spoken to me since. When it initially happened months ago she wasn't normal with me for weeks & didn't want to hear about anything to do with the wedding. Somehow we got past it but now back to square one.

I feel so down & am not looking forward to the wedding anymore. AIBU for wanting to pick my own bridesmaids or does family come first when it comes to weddings?

I think I would have asked if the teenager wanted to be bm as you have the other Neice if you only have 2

Then her choice if wanted to , or would be too much for her

Which sounds like may be, tho easier to be bm with others then stand up alone to read sing or play

Please have the wedding that you want to have.

She sounds similar to my mum - things have to be done a certain way because that is how SHE thinks that they should be done.

I was worried about getting married due to my Mum falling out and blowing up at weddings before.

Some people are just drama llamas - try to ignore and focus on the good - your wedding should reflect what you want.

If your relationship with your mum is as good you think/hope it is then it can withstand you being honest about how much her interference and bullying is upsetting you.

If it can’t then you need to be honest with yourself that it only operates smoothly when you do what she wants and let her have her way. It sounds like she’s panicking about losing control of you and that’s why she won’t give up on this and keeps trying to get you to toe the line - when everyone involved knows your niece doesn’t even want to be a bloody bridesmaid!

She’s got a vision and she’s going to keep upsetting you until you give in and go along with it.

This is potentially more important than you realise. She needs to start respecting your views as the adult that you are. She might find that uncomfortable but tough shit.

You shouldn’t have invited the cousins. Why on Earth have people at your wedding you wouldn’t choose?! That was your first mistake. She now thinks if she makes enough fuss you’ll give in. So don’t.

This is your wedding. You do it how you and your fiancé want to.

There’s a line between going nuclear and uninviting her and “seeing how it goes” if you’re honest with her. Be firm and unequivocal. Make it clear her behaviour is upsetting you. She’s not the person you think she is if she hears that and carries on anyway. She’d literally be saying she cares more about getting what she wants than you, her daughter, being happy.

Just tell her it's either how you've suggested or to make it fair your sister's daughter won't be a flower girl.

That should shut them right up.

tell your brother??
shes his mum too(?)-his daughter shes championing. doesnt much matter you/him relationship.

Tell your mum to keep her neb out, it’s not her business. Please don’t let her bully you over such a non issue. If your niece doesn’t want attention by playing the cello/doing a reading, she’s hardly going to want to be bridesmaid, which is second only to bride re how much attention they get.

I think the reasons some relatives go batty is that they feel through marriage they are about to 'lose you' and with it their influence.

Your are forging a new life with your new husband and his opinion will come before your mothers moving forwards.

Your mums her way or the highway approach will stop being as effective for her. She will fight that at times.

The next time she mentions it try something different. 'Yes its a shame we don't see eye to eye on that Isnt it'. Then change subject. Or 'yes you have shared your opinion on that previously' or 'that's interesting'. 'Lets talk about something else mum as i'd hate to fall out with you over this'. You need to train her that her opinion is not relevant unless asked for. And to do that you have to believe it yourself!

I have rarely seen anyone posting on here who is less unreasonable than you are being.

You sound like a very considerate person.

It sounds like your brother has said no, he doesn't want his shy DD involved and has done it quite tactfully. That your mum can't accept this is actually going against the wishes of you, your brother and your older niece is quite astonishing. Can't quite work out why she thinks her wants are more important than everyone else involved combined.

All I know is that you need to stand your ground this time. Can you imagine being that shy teenager and being obliged by politeness to put yourself up front and centre when you don't want to.

I'd be careful with your sister over this conversation they supposedly had too. Something sounds like it got slightly massaged there and you don't want to fall out with your sister over something she didn't say.

Dd wasn’t asked to be bridesmaid for my sister in law. We didn’t give a shit but mil and fil went on about it so much that it caused a huge and totally avoidable rift in the family. Tell your Mum to do one.

I agree op, I don't think you should threaten to cancel or uninvited her as this will likely create drama.

But I wouldn't have a 'chat' with her either, you've tried that.

I'd simply 'tell her' that her behaviour around this subject is ruining the wedding for you, and taking all the fun out of it. You will not have anyone ruining the day for you, and that includes her. You and your dp are the ones getting married and paying for it, it's your wedding, so it's your decision and you don't want to discuss it any further.

You're a grown woman. Tell your mother you won't be speaking to her if she's going to put pressure on you. Why are you letting her walk all over you?

Of course you can choose your own bridesmaids but tbf most brides would naturally ask their nieces. I suppose its sort of traditional which is why your dm and your dsis mil think yabu.
Would it really hurt to include her? You could ask your brother if she would like to be one, if shes shy and a teenager she may say no , if she would like to be then youve done a kind thing for your niece ( it isnt her fault she doesn't see you much) Some girls love being a bridesmaid.
I expect your dm doesnt mind about your nephews as it isnt as usual to have pageboys . If cost is a factor then you could ask DM to contribute towards dresses.

Just to add being in a group of bridesmaids is a lot less daunting than a solo cello performance or a reading so dont think you can assume because shes too shy to do something solo she wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid

That’s what I said @Runnerduck34

Nice to ask her if other one asked

She may say no. That’s fine

@Tambora

Do you get on with your brother's wife/dp? If so, I'd ring her and say you are having adult bridesmaids and tiny tot flower girl and page boy, and you are concerned that their dd might feel left out, even though you have offered for her to participate in another way. Explain that your mum is giving you a really hard time over it, and you don't know what to do. They might then speak to your mum themselves.

Maybe make up a job for her to do - ring bearer, keeper of the photographer's to-do list, or handing out order of service etc, so she would be involved, but not the centre of attention.

That’s a really good idea - especially the last paragraph of the post.

Good luck op and congratulations on your marriage.

Could you ask your mum about her own wedding day, whether her own mother tried to interfere, exert pressure and make decisions that were nothing to do with her? It might make her step back and think?

Your wedding - your choices, her role is to support you in your decisions.

OP what you probably didn’t know as you were a child is that your mum could well have pushed for you to be a Bridesmaid but your brother but he put his foot down and had the frank exchange that you’ve been putting he off.

If she didn’t it’s probably because it bc was her sons wedding and she didn’t feel she could pressurise the bride.

You’re going to have to be frank with her. I’d send her a message which is clear that she needs to stop before she totally ruins your relationship

Who is paying for it OP?

I think that makes a difference. In the olden days the parents paid but then they invited guests to the wedding of their daughter x to mr y. And although lots has changed, maybe they think if they are paying towards a lot of it then they should have a say in it.

If you are funding it themselves it's nothing to do with you.

Either way I think they can offer an opinion but continually bringing it up and not speaking to you when you don't comply is a bit of a shit way of sorting out a difference in opinion