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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so anxious about DS(20)

39 replies

AnxiousAboutDS · 18/05/2021 10:56

I'm a ball of anxiety today. I'm probably rambling, so apologies in advance!

DS (20) is very bright, and very articulate, but has always had poor social skills and very poor eye contact. Once people get to know him they really like him, but he's very hard to get to know - keeps very much to himself, says very little, always stays on the fringes. He's happiest with his own company, or that of his very close long-term friends.

We've always given him plenty of encouragement and praise, and he quietly confident in his own abilities, but the social side of things is always an issue.

He's started a new summer job today where he'll be on a team with a few others and I know he's going to struggle with it. I encouraged him last night to try and make sure to join in with whatever conversations are going on, trying to help him to keep this in mind, but I'm pretty sure I just upset him. I hardly slept last night because I felt like shit, and feel like shit today. He said nothing much as he was leaving this morning, but was in and out of the bathroom a number of times before leaving, so I'm pretty sure he was feeling very anxious.

Is there any way I can help him engage better with people without sounding like I'm criticizing him or making him feel like he's not good enough? I've told him before that the one constant he's going to have through life is people, and that a little bit of small talk helps enormously to oil the wheels of getting to know people, but is there anything else I can do? Or is it just up to him to realise that he has to push himself out of his comfort zone?

OP posts:

hopeishere · 18/05/2021 11:04

You maybe need to detach a wee bit. Being so anxious about him at this stage of his life. Don't keep reminding home of his perceived inadequacies won't help his self confidence.

Don't go on at him. My mum used to take every problem of mine and make it hers. It was so annoying.

Mandsy100 · 18/05/2021 11:06

Op my ds is 5 and exactly like this. It's just who is he is. There's nothing wrong with it or should I say he is perfectly fine as is. My dh is very introverted, very socially withdrawn etc but he is extremely well liked for someone who struggles with this. He makes a huge impact on people in his own way. This is very reassuring to us for my ds because we have accepted this is who he is. He is also a very well liked boy by everyone who meets him. I think your ds needs to find his own way. He will. Just keep supporting him but I think there are so many people out there like him. I think its harder for men/boys to be like this as there's alot of pressure to be a certain way. Your ds will be fine.

shumway · 18/05/2021 11:15

I think without meaning to you will actually be making him feel worse.

Nyfluff · 18/05/2021 11:24

You say how you've been so anxious about a comment you made. Maybe working on yourself would help, as it's not easy feeling that way.

I have a similar son. Asd and adulthood is very worrying for parents. Sometimes parents can't let go of what they wanted their child to be like, rather than enjoying them for who they are, like being quiet and having a small number of friends isn't what a parent perceives as a fulfilling life. It just comes from wanting the best for them, but for the child it feels like not being accepted or feeling critiqued.

It's really difficult, but I think the fact your son got the job is great and shows he'll probably manage and figure it out. Be open to talking if he needs it, but otherwise try to be pleased for his success.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 18/05/2021 11:35

Did he ask you for new job advice? If not I think you will have made him feel more nervous. How would you feel about advice like that from your husband or adult child?
I have a 20yo son who isn't NT and I wouldn't give unsolicited advice like that. He'd also do the going to the loo all night thing but that's how he deals with stress and anxiety.
Focus on the positives. Your son might have worked hard for his placement or might have a much more interesting job than you at age 20 or might have a natural talent and passion for this job which is something to get excited about.
If you have to give the advice about going out of his comfort zone maybe do it in a roundabout way. Talk about how you had to go out your comfort zone to find success in your job or life.

peboh · 18/05/2021 11:36

At his age, he doesn't need his mum telling him how to make friends. Let him find his own way. You need to realise that your son is an adult now, and having his mum push him and telling him how to do things is never going to go down well. Leave him be.

TwoAndAnOnion · 18/05/2021 11:39

He's happiest with his own company, or that of his very close long-term friends.

Stop trying to change him, he's managed 20 years.

tootiredtospeak · 18/05/2021 11:40

This is my whole life my son has ASD dont push just accept that's how he is if he is happy being on the edge. If its affecting him work with him to maybe use conversation starters. I tell my son to fake it....how are you...do you like working here.. weathers rubbish today ect ect. Something they dont know where to start.

OldkermitSippingtea · 18/05/2021 11:40

He's happiest with his own company, or that of his very close long-term friends.

So what's the problem? He's happy.

but the social side of things is always an issue.

For whom? Has he ever expressed unhappiness about not being as social as others wish he was?

Leafy12 · 18/05/2021 11:41

I think you mean well but the way I see it is that we learn these things at home. So if I can keep conversations casual, light and communication open then my kids will naturally learn about that chatty stuff as it is something they encounter daily at home. Your approach, although well meant, feels pressured and a bit rehearsed. It's ok if he is quiet to start with and then warms up. It sounds like you are perhaps the only one worried about this. Just engage with him at home and let him crack on with stuff without you.

queenMab99 · 18/05/2021 11:42

My son was similar, and when 18, had a part time job in a restaurant kitchen, I noticed him reading the football pages of a newspaper, and remarked that I hadn't realised he had become interested in football, he said 'I am not interested really, but I am practising being a bloke, to fit in at work'
They find their own way of doing things.

FilledSoda · 18/05/2021 11:44

You'd be better advising him not to worry how others perceive him . He's his own man . There's nothing wrong with being an introvert , it's not as though he's being offensive or obnoxious in any way so let him feel comfortable just being himself . We're all different .

70smillie · 18/05/2021 11:44

I have one of these too and to be honest you do have to detach. The only way he can learn these things is by being out there in the world and eventually he'll find his level. The fact he's gone out and got a summer job is fantastic, he isn't locking himself away.

One of the worst things you can do is make him feel even more self conscious.

vivainsomnia · 18/05/2021 11:55

You might be surprised. You could have described my ds. He wanted a job where he had no contact at all with the public. It didn’t work that way! He’s really learned to come out of his shelf. His confidence being with other people grew massively. He is now fully part of the team, very well liked and customers adore him. He still has to make efforts as it doesn’t come to him naturally but he really enjoys his job and feels part of the family.

The more anxious you are, the more you are giving him reasons to be.

Mamamia456 · 18/05/2021 11:55

OP - He may not struggle. He obviously did well at the interview to get the job. I do understand how you feel as I have a son with ASD and when he started work I worried about how he would cope, but he has been in his job for a couple of years now and is fine. Also don't forget in a work environment you are with people of different age groups which makes it easier.

Try not to worry, he will be fine.

diddl · 18/05/2021 12:06

Does it matter if he's not best buddies with work mates?

As long as he's polite, replies when spoken to & gets along with them well enough to work with.

VeganVeal · 18/05/2021 12:19

May be go with him one day and have a word with this work colleagues?

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 18/05/2021 12:20

I do understand the worry. We live in a society that lauds extroversion and tends to regard introverts as people doing badly at being extroverts. But it simply isn't the case. Quiet is fine. Quiet is natural for many people. I think you will find that if you accept quiet, then your DS will paradoxically start to talk more when he needs to because he won't think of himself as fundamentally lacking in some way and won't feel self-conscious and tongue-tied.

The summer job will be an excellent way for him to become more comfortable with communicating in a situation in which concrete information has to be exchanged rather than a dinner date, say, with no obvious 'scaffolding'.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 18/05/2021 12:21

Let him be who he is.

grapewine · 18/05/2021 12:24

@VeganVeal

May be go with him one day and have a word with this work colleagues?

Please don't do this.

MedusasBadHairDay · 18/05/2021 12:24

I was painfully shy and socially awkward as a teen, so being in a work environment where I had no choice but to engage with people was terrifying, but in the long run it taught me the skills I need to at least appear less shy and awkward. I still feel that way inside, but I can mask it for the most part. This job may do him good, give him the space and time to learn those skills at his own pace though.

Original poster

AnxiousAboutDS · 18/05/2021 12:25

Thanks all, I really appreciate the replies. I'm generally a very laid back person, believe it or not - I know I sound like I'm really anxious, but it's just the fact that I feel like I fucked up and and made DS feel worse.

I never normally say anything to him about any of this, and wish I hadn't. It's just so hard to see someone you love struggling with something, and not try to help in some way. But of course I didn't help and that's why I feel like shit.

DH got this job for him as he has lots of contacts - DS had nothing to do with the process. But it's something that should be right up his street, other than the team / interaction bit, so maybe it'll all be fine.

I'm really happy that DS is quietly confident and has a small lovely group of friends, and is so self-sufficient. I'd hate for him to be any other way really, but he did mention before (after a few drinks) about not liking himself so I do feel for him. He refused to discuss that the following day though, and I didn't press it. I just told him I love him exactly as he is and am always here if he wants to talk.

OP posts:

PandaLady · 18/05/2021 12:26

You must accept that he doesn't make small talk because he can't, not because he won't. By reminding him of the value of small talk, you are (albeit inadvertently) placing a huge stress on him.

I am married to a man like this and our eldest son is the same. I tell them both to just act in the way that makes them most comfortable. That might mean no conversations or socialising but I find with the pressure off, they both get there eventually.

I am a champion small-talker and see it as my role to help shield those who loathe it. I respect people who don't witter on and who kept their counsel - I think it is much more interesting than me bouncing about talking to all and sundry

Tal45 · 18/05/2021 12:27

Poor eye contact and social skills? Prefers his own company and needs time to get to know others? Pretty much sums up aspergers to me.

Stop pushing him to be someone he isn't, stop making him feel more anxious with your 'encouragement' and definitely don't speak to his work colleagues!! Let him find what works for him, stop pushing your agenda onto him.

PandaLady · 18/05/2021 12:27

That's perfect op - you sound like an excellent Mum. He'll be fine.

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