To be so anxious about DS(20)

[AnxiousAboutDS]

I'm a ball of anxiety today. I'm probably rambling, so apologies in advance!

DS (20) is very bright, and very articulate, but has always had poor social skills and very poor eye contact. Once people get to know him they really like him, but he's very hard to get to know - keeps very much to himself, says very little, always stays on the fringes. He's happiest with his own company, or that of his very close long-term friends.

We've always given him plenty of encouragement and praise, and he quietly confident in his own abilities, but the social side of things is always an issue.

He's started a new summer job today where he'll be on a team with a few others and I know he's going to struggle with it. I encouraged him last night to try and make sure to join in with whatever conversations are going on, trying to help him to keep this in mind, but I'm pretty sure I just upset him. I hardly slept last night because I felt like shit, and feel like shit today. He said nothing much as he was leaving this morning, but was in and out of the bathroom a number of times before leaving, so I'm pretty sure he was feeling very anxious.

Is there any way I can help him engage better with people without sounding like I'm criticizing him or making him feel like he's not good enough? I've told him before that the one constant he's going to have through life is people, and that a little bit of small talk helps enormously to oil the wheels of getting to know people, but is there anything else I can do? Or is it just up to him to realise that he has to push himself out of his comfort zone?

I would be careful about saying things just to fill a silence. I, too, am quiet, female in my 40s. Sometimes when I said weather wad rubbish other women would say I am moaning. I would be careful of asking people if they like working here. I did that once and they thought I was trying to trick them to say something negative about work. These are women in their 30s to 50s so it may be different with your son. He could ask them where they are from, talk about hobbies. He could ask about college if they are young and it is a sunmer job. I would be careful not to say too much about college in case the non college people get offended. It is easier to just join in with whatever is the topic of conversation. He should relax and not worry about some silence as long as he says good morning, good evening and is pleasant.

I am mid 20’s and prefer not to be pally with coworkers - thought I would ‘grow’ out of it but as Ive gotten older I’ve realized it just isn’t me and it never will be. I don’t have the social capacity to be making pointless conversation with people who I wouldn’t usually hang out with, 5 days a week. It exhausts me. I am polite/pleasant but just prefer to get on with my work.

My advice is to just let him be; he may settle in time or it may just be who he is.
I know it must be hard as a mum to refrain from ‘fixing’ the situation for him, but i know if my mum tried to put her 2 pence in I would be very irritated and tell her to butt out. He will likely navigate the situation perfectly well on his own.

Good luck to your son & I hope you start to feel less anxious soon!

Thanks very much everyone. You're very kind.

I'd say there's an element of ASD alright - we brought him to be assessed when he was quite small, and were told there wasn't but in hindsight the person doing the assessing was shite.

DH and I were very similar as kids but 'learned' to make conversation as we grew up and now it's completely natural to both of us. I was no good at initiating conversations when younger, but would join in to some extent - DS doesn't really join in at all, so I don't know how that comes across. I just hope they give him a chance and don't make a snap decision that it's not working out, as he'd be crushed.

I'm not looking for him to be best buddies (or even friends) with his colleagues, just to rub along ok with them. And I'm definitely not going to go in and have a chat with them about him!!

Is he NT? If so it’s unusual you are so invested in his work life at age 20.
I think you need to step back a bit and not mention again how he could ‘improve’ things as you’re just drawing attention to his perceived inadequacies! Everyone is nervous when starting a new job, it’s normal.

I would be thankful for the son you do have, not the one you think he should be.
My relatives son has a drug problem, tells lies, and attacks women and children , aggressively and verbally. He also attacks men, has put them in hospital. Your son sounds lovely, but if he likes his own company, so what.... too many people pleasers in this world. Am pleased he found a job.. so what if it lasts 6 months or 6 years. At least hes doing his best

Initiating conversations will come in time, when he gets to know people better. Also, people will make allowances for being a bit shy at first in a new job. Congrats to him for getting the job. In time, if he is in a large organisation, he could have more of a chance in finding his tribe.

I am thankful for the son I have! I don't think he should be someone / something else. I'm conscious that he struggles with social interaction and that I probably upset him, and feel bad because of that. Surely it's not unusual to feel bad that you've inadvertently hurt someone you love?

This is the first job he's ever had, and as I said I do suspect that he's not completely NT. I don't stop being his mum just because he's 20 - I'm sure I'll still love him and worry about him when he's 50!!

I sympathise with this, my nephew (aged 19) is similar, basically only sees his old school friends (some of whom have moved on, have girlfriends etc) and has been at college over a year and not spoken to a single person there. I think he finds it hard to think of things to say to people/maybe has a bit of social anxiety and feels he is not as interesting as others. My sister in law gets very anxious about it all and probably makes things worse by going on at home about it. I worry for how he will fare when he eventually has to get a job though. So don’t have much advice to offer, sounds like you are doing all you can, but it is hard not to worry. Deep down I feel that my nephew would be happier if he had more confidence/was chattier with people and it is sad to think that he is missing out on new friends and college experiences etc. Suppose we just need to try to support them and hope confidence will grow with time, age and life experience xx

Thanks very much @SussexSun25, all sounds very familiar. I also feel that ds would be happier in himself if he felt more at ease around people. Oh well - maybe this job will help in that regard.

He's just finished first year in college too, but never actually set foot in the place as everything was online, so the opportunity to find his tribe there didn't happen - fingers crossed that'll all fall into place in the coming year.

I know he'll find his way. I just luffs him and wish everyone could see him the way I do - lovely, articulate, funny, and all the rest.

@AnxiousAboutDS

I am thankful for the son I have! I don't think he should be someone / something else. I'm conscious that he struggles with social interaction and that I probably upset him, and feel bad because of that. Surely it's not unusual to feel bad that you've inadvertently hurt someone you love?

This is the first job he's ever had, and as I said I do suspect that he's not completely NT. I don't stop being his mum just because he's 20 - I'm sure I'll still love him and worry about him when he's 50!!

Sorry if I’ve upset you by saying you’re too invested at 20, I think I cross posted with you. I have DS17 & DS15 (and DD11) and with the boys, the absolute worst thing I can do to get their backs up is start suggesting things about how they should behave and react. Coupled with ‘nagging / going on about stuff’ would just cause them to shut down on me! Of course we still worry, even when they’re 6ft+ fully grown up, it’s just I find they don’t appreciate their mums butting in

I have a DC who is most definitely on the autistic spectrum, although never officially diagnosed.
Try to look at this a different way - he has successfully completed a year in college, and is working as well. That's massive, and something for you to celebrate (but not in front of him, because I would imagine he'd be embarrassed or perturbed).
Let him find his own way. Just be there to support with a gentle 'how was your day' when he comes home. If he wants to talk, he will, if not, let it drop.
It's tough being a parent as it is, but having a child who is a bit different makes it more challenging (I've been there, but I would not add to your thread to tell my story).
He sounds like he's doing well, and you are a lovely mum and clearly care, or you wouldn't be posting. Try not to worry.

Thanks all, and sorry if I got a bit defensive.

He got on well today, chatted away about it when he got home. And funnily enough it helped that a lot of the workers are not English speakers so he could sit peacefully in their company at lunchtime and not have to worry about joining in with their conversation 😅

That's brilliant news, OP!

Hi

I am a bit like your son. When I was much younger my parents would push me to do activities to help with my shyness. I hated it. And even though I was only 7 or whatever I knew that they were doing it because they wanted me to change and I think this has the opposite effect on confidence than intended.

I'm 40 now and much more confident. I think accepting who I am and stopping worrying that I wasn't good enough, being shy is holding me back etc has helped enormously. I've realised there are positives in being who I am such as I can work by myself easily, I am loyal, I listen. I have a good technical job and yes I would probably be more 'successful' if I could be friendly with everyone and give presentations easily but I have a decent work life balance etc.

I think I'd concentrate on trying to help him accept himself and think about the positives of his personality. Feeling like he has to pretent to be someone else is going to be exhausting and ultimately contribute to the feeling that extroverts are good and introverts are bad when in reality everyone is different and that's a good thing because most situations are better with a mix